I know it’s her because no one else calls my landline.

I know she’ll try calling again in a few minutes, first my landline, then my cell phone, then my landline again, then my husband’s cell phone.

She doesn’t “get” why her only daughter doesn’t want to speak to her.

It’s been almost 2 years since I moved away from the US. 2 years since I felt free. Free of her, free of my father, free of my brother, free of my dysfuntion.

I grew up in a house of cards.

Always waiting for some shit to fall, and then being blamed for it.

For 20 something years I grew up in a house, a miserable house, a house where the only escape is medication. Xanax, Prozac…

Often times, I say to myself that I’m just being a whiny little bitch. I was never abused, always fed and sheltered, had vacations to Disney world and abroad..  Holidays were celebrated, gifts were in abundance and yet… yet I can only remember the feeling of being an outsider in my own home. Always feeling like something was wrong with me,, because I was different, because I chose to speak up- because I refused to accept the dysfunction. I was always taught that it was my fault. It can’t be that 3 people are wrong, while 1 is right.

I guess I was the dysfunctional one then.

So I kept that locked away for years.

In my psyche it went.. hidden under old books and dreams.

But then my husband joined the picture- and finally I had a witness. A witness to it all. He often stares at me in wonder and says that he doesn’t know how I came out so functional in such a household.

My therapist once told me that she felt bad for the little girl that I was.. always crying out for normalcy. Much smarter than those around her. Not knowing that it’s not her fault.

I can’t be myself with my mother. She doesn’t like the person that I am. A strong willed woman, something she is not. “I don’t like how vocal you are” she said to me this past December while visiting. But mom, this is who I am.. and if after 30 years you can’t accept who I am then it’s now your problem.

The thing is for so many years, I was taught that I shouldn’t be who I was. A girl should be more gentle, less outspoken, less opinionated. Stop acting like a man, you’ll never get married that way…

My mother used to tell me that I should act more like so and so… never just “be yourself, Maya”

My father was hardly ever around. Always working. But it wasnt about the quantity, it was about the quality.

Once I reached a certain age, it’s like he just didn’t give a shit anymore. Threw me into the ocean without a lifeboat. He did his part, I was 18. But no, no he didn’t.

We never shared anything, it was always surface. Not a hug or a kiss. Not a “I’m proud of you”

But I tell myself he just wasnt raised that way.

I was always seeking approval.

approval that I never received.

I still do- To the point where it takes me over. It envelopes me.

And when I do receive some, I don’t believe it.

Here I am, a 30 year old woman and a mother of two, and I am scared to death that my kids will hate me one day.

I look at my beautiful little family, with the most amazing father I could have chosen for my girls and  I fear that they wont answer my calls because just the sound of the ringer will send them into panic attacks.

I can’t be the only one who still harbors so much hate for their childhood so many years later.

I just can’t be the only one.

I’ve been missing lately.

Not sure if I’ve ever taken such a long break from this blog before.

I’ve been so overwhelmed with work and deadlines that I feel like steam is coming out of my ears.

March is just about to close, so trying to recap the month.

The month started with the Jewish Holiday- Purim, which is all about costumes and dress up. My girls have only recently started comprehending holidays and they were insanely excited to wear costumes.

I work with a large Costume manufacturer, and I got to choose costumes for my girls, of course- they chose them, I brought them home.

Soleil wanted to be a princess. She didn’t care which one, she just wanted a long flowy, dress.

She is such a girly- girl.

So Snow White she was:

Neve, always the “rule breaker” wanted something more original:

“I want to be Swiper the Fox”

AKA this guy:

Her reasoning:

“Because I get to swipe things from people”

You can’t argue with that logic.

                                                                                                                         ***********************

As you all  know I currently live in Israel.

There are several pros and cons about living here, and one major con being all of the “East Coast vs West Coast” wars… aka, Palestinians and Israelis constant battles.

I live in the south of Israel, which means I am a bit close to where bombs are thrown (when there is tension- rockets are not always thrown). Earlier this month, there was turmoil, which meant no school for the girls, or college for my husband. They stayed home together and ran to a bomb shelter when they hear sirens.

Lovely, isn’t it?

I on the other hand had work. My place of business is in Tel Aviv, which is out of the danger zone so to speak, so I was ok.

Thank G-D, there was a cease-fire, and all is quiet again in my neck of the woods.

A pro about living where I live, is the vast land I am surrounded by. We live on a farm, and get to take my brother-in-law’s ATV out for a spin. The beauty around me reminds me why I moved out here… warts and all.

                                                                                                                                               *************

My husband started his Spring semester and his schedule doesn’t allow him to pick the girls up from school twice a week (he’s been the one picking them up every day). That meant that I had to rearrange my work schedule in order to be the one to pick them up. Up until now, I had been leaving for work at 6:30am, and returning home at 7pm. That meant that I didn’t get to see my girls more than 15 minutes awake, during the week. This hurt my heart in so many ways.

Now- I actually get to see them awake twice a week- to be the one to pick them up from school, take them to the park, and put them to bed (even though often times they fall asleep in my bed!).

 I feel like a mom again.

**************************

In addition to writing on ye old blog, I am also a contributing writer for Curvy Girl Guide.

These are the topics I wrote about in the month of March:

Life Doesnt Begin 10lbs from now

Siri, Can you Hear Me? Maybe Not.

As Long as We’ve got each other (That is, as long as you’re straight)

“#fashiondiaries :

 f21 short sleeve sweater with bedazzled shoulders (purchased that way!), H&M cotton skirt, JCrew green tights, boots

#fashiondiaries :

JCrew button down, Zara pants, F21 Necklace & Headband (raining outside!), my grandmother’s watch (doesn’t work but I wear it anyway)

#fashiondiaries {must clean top of my mirror!}

Zara mini dress, jeggings, steve madden boots, h&m belt, h&m sweater, f21 necklace

New Glasses & Headband

#fashiondiaries :

black sweater, black pencil skirt, electric blue tights, leopard scarf, brown boots, headband

“#fashiondiaries :

Zara jeans, F21 Tank & Cardigan, wooden necklace, jacket and scarf (again, f21

“#fashiondiaries:

Black Harem pants, tank with black glitter ribbon, Gap Cardigan, f21 ring

“#fashiondiaries

 Friday night dinner with family. Black harem pants, white v neck tshirt GAP, black Banana rep cardigan, F21 necklace (also my kid photobombed me)

fashiondiaries :

black top mossimo target, short sleeve grey cardigan f21, skinny jeans, boots, f21 necklace

Harem Pants, Black Button down, Tall Boots, Beaded Necklace

Zara mini shift dress, Black f21 blazer, Electris blue tights, Ankle boots, Sequined necklace Aldo

Heart Tunic with Gap sweater vest, jeggings/ Gap tshirt, H&M skirt

Old Navy Cardigan, Long dress shirt H&M, Black leggings, Tall chocolate boots, Beaded necklace, f21 ring

Dress: Primark UK

h&m jeggings, boots, tunic h&m, brown cardigan, bird cage necklace Claire's

Zara Athletic Navy Pants, F21 Print shirt & yellow cardigan, necklace h&m, headband f21

Rocking my old Motherhood cable knit sweater, Benneton jean skirt, tall boots

F21 Print tunic, grey sweater vest h&m, leggings, boots

 As my diary, the way it once was.

So here goes.

There are days that I am off.

That even the best meds in the world can’t make me smile inside.

Because I ALWAYS smile on the outside.

ALWAYS.

People think I am so chipper.

Nobody can be this chipper all the fucking time.

*****

I’m in a hard place financially right now.

Well, I have been for a few years now.

With a husband in school, and only one income- you get stretched to the MAX.

I feel like I am constantly on a treadmill- walking… running in place- but going nowhere.

All I want to do is scream- I mean how the fuck long will this have to go on???

My husband is an amazing person.

A wonderful dad.

Sometimes though, I don’t like him.

I love him, but I don’t like him. I feel like I am always being picked apart. At home, at work… within myself.  I take care of EVERYONE, without anyone taking care of me.

I wish I could take a break from marriage and just be with myself and with my thoughts for a while. 

Doesnt everyone feel that way?

 Often I wonder if I made a mistake marrying him. He’s a wonderful person, but we don’t mesh a lot of the time. We’re so different. It’s hard. That’s what happens when you marry at 24 after being with the same person since the age of 20. You make a decision that is too big for you. I mean, I’m not saying that I regret it. I love my girls. I love him as well. But I still wonder. I Wonder if people shouldnt be allowed to marry so young.

***

I have been feeling so run down lately. Sleeping so much. I fall asleep at 9pm, and on weekends at 7pm.  I know that a sign of depression and what not, but I’ve been taking anti depressant for a year now.

Does it mean they stop working? I need them to work.

I can’t keep this smile painted on without them.

A clown without his makeup, is just a sad soul.

I am lucky to be a part of this campaign, and when I was asked for my number.. it took me a while to come up with one. Yes of course, I want to lose 15 lbs or  go to the gym 3x a week. I want to travel to a new country this year or climb the Alps (well, actually, I don’t want to climb the Alps it’s hard yo).

As I began to think about it, the first person that popped into my mind was my husband.

This man is a Full time student who gets our girls ready in the morning and makes their breakfasts (because mommy has already left for work). This is a man who is there to pick up his girls from school. A man who showers them, feeds them and then packs them all into a car an hour later to pick me up from the train station.

We need to spend more time together.

As a couple.

When you’ve been with someone for 10 years, you fall into a routine.

It’s  normal and natural.

So this year, my number is 12.

I resolve to have a date night with my husband once a month.

Our date nights don’t actually have to consist of the going out to dinner kind. After all, he is a student and money is tight. So a date night can consist of opening up a bottle of wine and watching a movie on our TV while the girls snore away.

It’s important to us as a couple, it’s important to my husband and it’s important to me.

To read more about the CGG “Take Back Your Number” Initiative, click on this link.

So……What’s Your number???

For most of my blogging “career” I’ve been hiding behind a curtain.

Never told anyone I was close with about it.

It was my place to vent- to bitch about everything: my family, my fucked up childhood, my infertility – my world.

The way I see things.

And I hid.

I hid because I can’t tell people things to their faces.

I can’t tell things to my own face as well.

The truth sucks sometimes and blogging has been my therapy for so many years now.

But recently I became a contributing writer for Curvy Girl Guide- an online women’s magazine which I love.

It’s all about loving yourself- empowering yourself and who you are.

And I write.

And my full name is on the site.

And it freaked me out at first.

I never set out to have a name that could be googled.

And traced back.

But here I am, exposed.

And so I linked to a post I wrote on Facebook.

I jumped head first into freezing cold water.

And I’ve received such positive responses from people.. people who I know.

before I started writing for CGG I was thinking of finishing up this blog.

I have been struggling for a while to share.

I’m becoming less and less vocal.

I have struggles.

Just like everyone else.

And I feel like for come reason, I can no longer write about them here.

My secret place is no longer so secret.

It makes me resent it all.

So my new years resolution is this: return to the place when blogging was my diary. 

So what if I’m exposed? I need to be real to myself.

What are your resolutions?

- In Advaita Vedanta philosophy, Maya is the limited, purely physical and mental reality in which our everyday consciousness has become entangled. Maya is held to be an illusion, a veiling of the true, unitary Self — the Cosmic Spirit also known as Brahman. -

So it’s been a while since I’ve updated.

It’s cool.

I didn’t “fall off the wagon” so to speak.

I have continued my weight loss journey, although it really is like watching paint dry.

So far in total, I’ve lost 8.4 lbs.

Which is a whole size if you think about it, so not too shabby

Starting Weight: 169.8

Current Weight 161.4

Total Lost: 8.4 lbs

(Goal: 16 lbs more to shed)

And considering that I lost (or didnt gain) during Hanukkah which is also known as the oil based get fat holiday, I am pretty proud of myself.I mean really- everything is fried in oil: Latkes, Sufganiot  (Doughnuts)- which are not just jelly filled anymore mind you: there are gourmet flavors now:

Pistachio, Macroon, Halva, cheesecake... yum

 (FYI if you want a super easy and yummy recipe click here for my Sweet Potato Latkes recipe at CGG)

Adults don’t really recieve Hanukkah gifts. It’s more of a children’s holiday. Thankfully my girls arent really aware of that so I have yet to receive a gift wish list. As it is, they are so beyond spoiled- I work in Children’s media- I get LOTS of branded crap for my girls: clothes, shoes, games, toys. I keep a lot of it locked away in a closet to give as gifts or to distribute throughout the year, because their little minds will not be able to handle the amount of stuff they can truly have.

Plus, one of my daughters- one who shall remain nameless, has begun DEMANDING things.

Hells to the No little girl.

You are on watch little lady.

Speaking of Hanukkah, my girls had a Hanukkah Party at school the other week:

I’m always the mom holding up her camera. Trying to capture every moment. But I realized something. Sometimes, you are NOT in the moment when you are behind the lens. I am learning to put the camera down more and more. To enjoy the moment, and not try to capture just the right light or movement.  Because at the end of the day these moments are so fleeting.

How has your holiday season been? How much weight have you put on?

That doesn’t necessarily mean that I want to move in with them and have their babies, but  I present to you my very eccentric list:

Minka Kelly

 1. Minka Kelly: My crush started when she was on Parenthood- not Friday Night Lights. Really, I tried to watch FNL but couldn’t make it through the second episode. It’s very football-y and I am not athletically inclined at all. Minka is super adorbs. So I either want to be her, or take her on a date and get her pregnant.

Sara Gilbert

2. Sara Gilbert: I find her comedic timing impeccable. There is something so cool about her.

I miss the holidays.

I have so much to be thankful for this year.

January:

• I am thankful that I admitted to myself that I was depressed. I am thankful that I took the steps to get help. I am SUCH a better mother and person because of it.

February:

• I am thankful that I got to go home to New York to visit my friends and family. Although it was a business trip, it was the much-needed breather I needed to fill up my heart.  I am thankful that I got to spend time with some of my favorite people while I was there
  

  Miss Annie Spohr

• Also? Thankful for being close to family- and being able to celebrate my sister in laws wedding day.

March:

• I am thankful for being able to spend Holidays with family.

Purim

April:

• I’m thankful that my girls can play and run around outside with their cousins.

May:

• I am thankful that I finally mastered bread making!

June:

• I am thankful that I had a chance to visit Paris for my 30th birthday, and to have been there with amazing friends who i love.

July:

• I’m Thankful that we have a pool for the kids to jump into when it gets hot outside.

August:

• I’m thankful for hot summer days.

September:

• I’m thankful that my girls are adjusting to school in Israel

• I am also very thankful to have celebrated my 6th wedding anniversary with my amazing husband (who yes, can drive me insane on most days)

2005

October:

• I am thankful for my amazing husband who turned 32  this October. He is the bestest Daddy ever.

• I am thankful that my girls can spend time with my grandfather.

November:

• I’m thankful that I had a chance to go to London (although it was a business trip):

• I’m also VERY thankful that I had a chance to celebrate my daughters 4th birthday… life could have taken a different turn when they were born 10 weeks early..

But more than anything I am thankful for these little girls who brighten up my day.

Every day.

What are you thankful for this year?