Gemini Girl

I mentioned that I want to start using this platform as a place to vent.

 As my diary, the way it once was.

So here goes.

There are days that I am off.

That even the best meds in the world can’t make me smile inside.

Because I ALWAYS smile on the outside.

ALWAYS.

People think I am so chipper.

Nobody can be this chipper all the fucking time.

*****

I’m in a hard place financially right now.

Well, I have been for a few years now.

With a husband in school, and only one income- you get stretched to the MAX.

I feel like I am constantly on a treadmill- walking… running in place- but going nowhere.

All I want to do is scream- I mean how the fuck long will this have to go on???

My husband is an amazing person.

A wonderful dad.

Sometimes though, I don’t like him.

I love him, but I don’t like him. I feel like I am always being picked apart. At home, at work… within myself.  I take care of EVERYONE, without anyone taking care of me.

I wish I could take a break from marriage and just be with myself and with my thoughts for a while. 

Doesnt everyone feel that way?

 Often I wonder if I made a mistake marrying him. He’s a wonderful person, but we don’t mesh a lot of the time. We’re so different. It’s hard. That’s what happens when you marry at 24 after being with the same person since the age of 20. You make a decision that is too big for you. I mean, I’m not saying that I regret it. I love my girls. I love him as well. But I still wonder. I Wonder if people shouldnt be allowed to marry so young.

***

I have been feeling so run down lately. Sleeping so much. I fall asleep at 9pm, and on weekends at 7pm.  I know that a sign of depression and what not, but I’ve been taking anti depressant for a year now.

Does it mean they stop working? I need them to work.

I can’t keep this smile painted on without them.

A clown without his makeup, is just a sad soul.

My left eye has been twitching on and off for 3 weeks now.

What the hell dude?

I look like George Costanza when “PULP”! was flung in his eye from across the table.

I keep winking.

But not a sexy kind of wink.

And not to sexy people.

I winked at my office’s Russian cleaning lady who speaks not one word of hebrew or english.

This might get me in trouble soon enough.

***

People, I need book advice!

I want discipline books.

Actually, I NEED them.

For the girls.

I mean, how do I get 3 year olds to listen to me?

Sometimes I forget that they are 3.

And I find myself arguing over Dora Memory Cards with them- because dude, they TOTALLY cheat and I don’t think that’s cool.

And then, I remember that wait.. they were only born in 2007.

But then again, I totally paid a guy in college $20 to sit next to him and cheat on my chemistry final. This was a class that I NEVER showed up to. I took the mid-term, and final and ended up getting a B- in the class. It was an anomaly. Best $20 I ever spent (Esp considering it was the last class I needed to graduate).

I guess cheating does wonders sometimes.

***

 So I just downloaded a book that turned out to be a POSITIVE discipline book. As in, NO PUNISHMENT. What the hell?

I’ve been trying out a few techniques and they are working so far.

It teaches you to not put them in time outs, but to create a question and answer dialog with them.

This was my conversation last night with S:

Me: “S, You need to take a shower.”

S: “No.” (ignoring me and playing with her stickers)

Me: (now this is the point where I would be frustrated)

“So, what do you think will happen if you don’t take a shower?”

S: “Nothing”

(touche)

Me: No, you’ll be smelly and there will be bugs in your hair.

S: “I don’t feel like it”

I mean seriously, how do you argue with “I don’t feel like it” because you know, sometimes you just don’t feel like doing something. I get it.

I just kept repeating the question and answer portion until she eventually hopped into the shower (that, and I promised her that she could return to play with her stickers when she was finished).

I mean, I’ll give this whole positive discipline a try. But it will be hard I’m not going to lie.

so, share your mommy advice with me ladies- bring forth your wisdom on to me.

Because at this rate, my three-year olds attitudes will only get worse when they become teens:

You just don't get it Mom!

So I am going to *try* to stop bitching now.

I can’t stand myself sometimes!

2 heavy posts in a row.

URGH.

Anyway.

So 2011 huh?

What can I say?

2010 has pretty much gone by in a blink of an eye for me.

Let’s see what I did this past year.

Winter 

•  I went to Ireland.

I had never been to europe before so I was so excited.

 Ireland was breathtaking.

There are a crazy amount of crows there though.. so I’m not thinking that’s a good sign, right?

• we decided to move to ISRAEL.



Spring

• Came and Went…

• and then we packed up our lives and moved halfway across the world….

Where I got the balls to do that, I will never know.

•  I had a miscarriage.

blah blah blah… I was sad. let’s move on.

 summer

•  I realized something important.

I am NOT  STAY AT HOME MOM MATERIAL.

I alsways thought that I might enjoy being at home with the kids.. but let me tell you.. that aint no easy job. Too hard.

I literally was on the brink of medication.

The girls drove me NUTS.

They were in a new place and were not in their comfort zone. I was all alone. 2 against 1.

They werent in school, and my husband was in a school program so he was never home.

Going from zero to sixty in the course of a month was very very difficult.

It was hard yo.

• But we had a fun-filled summer filled with sun!

Also?

• I went on a cruise for the very first time.

•  and visited Cyprus and Greece.

I even rode a donkey down the white city of Lindos.

Breathtaking.

Fall

• My Girls started Preschool

I cried that morning.

I mean, how did that happen?

• My husband became an American Citizen.

So proud of him.

• ALSO…, I decided to put  aside past anger and start anew.

 I realized holding on to anger does nothing but make you miserable. I let it go.

 I forgave.

•  I  started a new job my first in a different country.

I was scared shitless.

But this time I have a title, an office.

My opinions matter.

I am viewed as a commodity.

That’s awesome.

It kind of does something for my self-worth.

• My girls turned 3…

• We started exploring this new country of ours…

• Enjoyed the holidays with the family..

So all in all.. this has been a pretty nice year…I truly hope 2011 is filled with nothing but joy and happiness to you and yours!!

Now let’s go get drunk.

I came across this in the blogosphere and thought I would jump on the wagon. I think this is great.

This is the list if you want to add your own:

DAY 1

Something you Hate About yourself:

I wish I didnt care so much what other people thought of me.

I always act as though I could care less if someone thinks ill of me.

But it couldnt be farther from the truth.

I care too much.. and it effects how I feel about myself.

What do you hate about yourself?

I feel lost.

Wish I could post more.

I will.. I promise…

it just might take me a little  bit…

So, I have a confession to make.

I am not a housewife.

Well, I’m not a good one anyway.

I don’t do laundry.

I don’t clean the floors.

I don’t do windows.

You get the point.

I grew up in a household where I NEVER had chores

Like ever.

My mom would tell me to clean my room, but that was all.

I didn’t have any basic skills when I was listed on the market as a wife.

But my husband knew this.

Though, I am not one that anyone would expect to do ALL THE HOUSEWORK AND CHILD REARING.

No Siree.

Not me.

I remember being a kid and having dinner at my grandparents house. My grandmother along with all of my aunts would run around cooking and preparing for the sabbath dinner. The men would go to synagogue and come home to a set table. Then once the meal commenced, the men would get up and leave their dirty dishes behind. It was expected that the women would pick up after the men as well (lest I not even bring out the dessert platters that the women would bring out when they were done washing the dishes).

I remember feeling that it was completely unfair and wrong.

I mean, why would us women have to do everything?

At that very moment I became a feminist.

Well, you know… I’m not running around with picket signs, but I believe in equality.

That’s why I married a man who agrees with me.

He is a VERY hands on Dad and we share a lot of the household responsibilities.

I never did laundry before in MY LIFE.

We didn’t have a laundry machine in our apartment, and the machines were in a super scary basement so it was up to Mr. GG to do our laundry. This caused many problems because he would only do laundry once every 2.5 weeks and there were MANY times, more that I would like to remember that I had to go commando because of the lack of clean underwear.

Moving on…

I have now done laundry more than once.

 I am pretty proud of myself (shut up).

So liberating to have clean clothes several times a week!!

 Is this what normal folks feel like?

Oh, I’ve also been throwing out the garbage!

That chore was also bestowed upon my lovely husband.

 He still does it, but I have been doing it too.

Since we live in the apartment above my retired father in law (who is home ALL THE TIME) I feel like he needs to think that I am somewhat domesticated (Donna Reed I am Not)… so I am now playing the part, because I live in an old school setting.

I think this whole farm living thing might make me the marrying kind, you know for a farmer.

And when I am tired after a LONG day of cleaning and cooking, I always have my little helpers

You missed a spot

What is your most HATED household chore?

I started my Lupron shots last week. 

Lupron shots are given to suppress your body from ovulating (since the clinic needs to manipulate the environment). 

The shots are making me a bit crazy and cranky. 

Not like I need an excuse, eh? 

I am getting my body ready for a baby who has been frozen in time and space. 

The funny thing is, every time the girls are at their MOST ANNOYING, my husband looks at me and says “So, you REALLLY want another now, huh?” and I laugh and say that G-D is testing me to see if I really do want another. 

Which I do. 

We are slowly introducing the girls to Mr. Potty. 

Their potties are green and shaped like a frog. 

You're going to do what in my where?

I wonder if when they get older, they will feel the need to “go” whenever they see a frog. 

I bought 2 of the same potties. 

I learnt to do this when I saw an episode of the now ill-fated life  of Jon & Kate. Kate was trying to potty train her kids, and they would fight about a specific color of potty. She said that she should have bought them all in the same color. 

I made a mental note when I saw that. 

So, they are excited about the actual potty, but not going in it per se. 

Any potty tips that I need to know? 

 ANYONE?

My back has been out since Friday.  I awoke with a soreness, but it got worse as the day progressed. On Saturday it was so bad, I couldn’t lift the girls.

 At all.

Or move my neck.

On Sunday I woke up feeling better. That is until I sneezed.  My neck and back stiffened up and I could not move.

My mom massaged my back. I asked her to do this since they say that the first-born child in every family has magical healing powers in their hands. Umm, no idea who came up with this old wives tale, but it’s sort of been passed on from generation to generation in my family. Since my mother is the oldest, I asked her to massage me. She had no problem. I told her I asked Neve to massage me, but she didn’t want to. My mom responded “Well, she’s a baby. She’s not going to massage your back!”

My humor is obviously lost on her.

***

I had company over last night. This was a toughie for me because of the pain I was in, but I had already made the plans.

My husband’s former neighbor from Israel lives in our city. it’s kind of strange that from a tiny farming village in Israel, they both ended up here. And ironically, he ran into her where? At our IVF clinic when I was going through fertility treatments! She was older and newly married, and after having 3 embryos implanted, one of them took and produced a son.

Gotta love our fertility clinic.

***

I went to a chiropractor today for the first time ever. I searched for one in my insurance directory and came across one who was located a block away from work.

 I went during lunch.

 She has a small office and no secretary.

There were no other patients.

 I started to wonder.

She was also a bit off, but aren’t we all?

She did some sort of ultrasound on my back and pushed and pulled on me and determined that I have some sort of slipped something or other in my neck that is pretty bad.

 I left there feeling MUCH better.

 I have another appointment  this week. I always knew my back was not aligned and funky. Now I have the proof.

***

So, we all know that Baby Spohr was born on Friday. I sat and cried when I heard. I needed for this to go right. I needed this for Heather and Mike.  Heather and I are sort of intertwined by fate. We both had the same type of pregnancies with our firsts, at the same exact time. Hell we would even watch the same episodes of Fresh Prince sitting in our respective hospital beds across the U.S. Our girls were born 2 days a part. They were preemies. A few months after my girls were born, Heather found my blog and emailed me. We call one another soul sisters…. and always say that our girls were intertwined somehow.

When Maddie passed, it was personal. I always saw her as an extension of my girls. I always had fun sending her things. She was so animated. And then she was gone. And it broke me. And then Heather told me she was pregnant when she was 8 weeks along. And I screamed.

I kind of knew it was going to happen, because I had a dream.

I can’t wait to love on Annabel.

Shamelessly stolen from Heather

***

I came into work today and there was a voicemail from my cousin. This cousin.

My partner in crime.

She has been married since March of 2007, and has been trying to get pregnant ever since.

 Until now.

She’s pregnant.

 I am over the moon.

 She told me she’s thinking of the name Anna for a girl.

Two important Anna’s in my life.

***

2010 is kicking ass so far.

Ever been to a chiropractor before? I’ve heard some horror stories. If so- please share.