2011 started out like any other year.
Except it didn’t.
My precious iPhone fell to the ground and my screen cracked on my way to work.
Once I got to the train station with my cracked iPhone, I realized something; I had forgotten my purse at home. I mean, who just forgets their purse?
Luckily, I had some money in my coat so that I could buy a train ticket.
Then that same day, I had a snafoo at work.
I emailed a client with some information, and instead of cc’ing my boss- I cc’d the email recipients competition who happens to have the same name as my boss.
Oy.
The week was just sucky all around.
And I started to get sad.
And quiet.
Thursday night, I came home and sat with my husband and girls.
He was playing with them and laughing and their giggles made my heart smile.
But I started to cry.
I cried because I felt empty.
I cried because I didn’t enjoy that moment. I wasnt really there. You know?
I go through the motions every day.
But I’m not there.
Friday morning I woke up and cried.
I ran into my husband’s cousin who is due any day.
She was my due date buddy.
except I don’t have a baby.
I’m not pregnant.
I told my husband I feel sad.
He said everything happens for a reason.
I told him that wasnt what I needed ti hear.
I know all the reasons all too well.
I just needed to feel sad.
I was allowed to feel sad.
At night I have tremendous anxiety.
Only at night-time.
It’s dark and if something happens, I have no control.
As though I have control over things during the day..
On friday morning I decided to go to the doctor.
I told him that I am not a fan of anti depressants for myself.
I like to work through the highs and lows in life.
But I wasnt coming out of my low.
I have been here for years.
Since I was pregnant.
And he wrote me a prescription.
And I was afraid to take it.
I don’t like pills.
But I took it.
And I feel so so…
So…
numb.
I don’t feel anxiety, but I don’t really feel too much of anything else either.
I know there is an adjustment period.
But yesterday I sat with my girls and actually sat.
My mind wasn’t anywhere else.
And they hugged me, and my entire family was more relaxed.
Relaxed because mommy was relaxed.
Mommy wasn’t trying to clean the house the moment she walked in the door.
Mommy just sat and played.
On the floor.
With the legos.
And then watched a cooking show with them.
And I wasn’t all about counting down the moment until their bedtime.
It’s like someone took the battery out of my ass.
And I like the way it feels.
It will take a few weeks, but hopefully I can feel like myself again.
Just without all the pain.
