2010 December « Gemini Girl

Archive for December, 2010

There’s No Place Like Home

December 29, 2010 at 8:51 am · Filed under Moving is.. fun?

Been feeling really spent lately.

Feeling very homesick.

I miss everything so much.

There was a major snowstorm in NYC this past week and all of my friends and former co workers kept posting pictures of the snow. And it made me sad.

A friend even wrote that she wished that her sushi place would deliver in the snow.

I miss my sushi place.

I miss my pizza place.

I miss the chaotic busy streets.

I miss people watching and wondering what fabulous lives they lead.

I miss supermarkets that have EVERYTHING.

I miss my old place of business (albeit not the position)

I miss feeling as though I am “Home”

I am not home.

I am in someone elses home.

I feel like I fucking take care of everyone and no one takes care of me.

I’m here mostly because of my husband.

Because I support him.

Because he wanted to go to school and he couldn’t do that, be with the girls, and work.

He deserves a degree.

He deserves to feel proud of himself.

But I resent him.

And I loathe myself for resenting him.

It just feels never-ending.

Like I am walking on a treadmill straight to nowhere.

I got a job here in October, through connections to my previous job in New York.

And I have a title.

And an office.

Something I so so wanted in NYC.. but didn’t get because I couldn’t put the time in due to my mothering duties.

I know that when I do eventually move back to the U.S (when he’s done with school I hope) I will have this wealth of knowledge and something amazing to put on my resume.

But….

I can’t even BEGIN to imagine being here for another 4 years.

I’ve been here for 7 months now.

And yes, there are pluses don’t get me wrong.

I live rent & utility free on a huge piece of land where my kids can run around and be… kids.

I have so many wonderful relatives that surround us with warmth and love.

Those things lacked in the US.

But other things lack here.

I wish that I could tap my shoes and be home.

There truly is no place like home.

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I will always remember.

December 8, 2010 at 8:32 am · Filed under From the heart, Infertility

I should have been 33 weeks pregnant right now.

Wow.

I can’t even believe that.

I wish I understood why it feels like someone keeps punching me in the gut every time I find out someone I know is pregnant.

It’s not like I havent been blessed with children.

I have these two gems:

And yet…

I long for a full term and fruitful pregnancy.

When I had my miscarriage back in May.. I blamed myself.

I didn’t rest.

I was on my feet, walking all over NYC.. to have just a few last memories of new york before I moved 6,000 miles away to a little Israeli farm.

Maybe that was the reason it happened?

Maybe the years in the freezer didn’t produce a healthy blast?

I don’t know.

I do know that for a few weeks I was pregnant.

The second line showed up.

And I am so so so thankful that I didn’t miscarry halfway through my pregnancy.

I am glad it happened early.

But still.

I am allowed to mourn what could have been.

I need to remind myself that it is ok to be sad.

I am always the one trying to find a bright side to situations.

That means that I don’t usually allow myself to dwell on something when it doesn’t work out.

I have such a strong belief in God that I know that everything happens for a reason…. Or doesn’t happen for a reason.

I never thought I would know what it’s like to miscarry.

It hurts.

It’s like menstrual cramps times a thousand.

And the blood…

The blood doesn’t stop.

And with every drop of blood… a tear falls… because it was still my baby.

The pregnancy app on my iphone is a constant reminder of what could have been.

My husband’s cousin is just as far along as I should have been.

It’s hard when you see someone you know who is due around the time you should have been.

I look at her and that too is a constant reminder.

And I will look at her beautiful little girl and watch her grow up and in the back of my mind… I will remember.

I will always remember.

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Sheepy

December 7, 2010 at 7:13 am · Filed under My daughters

OMG I cannot believe I never wrote about Sheepy.

What kind of mother am I?

I didn’t introduce you to a member of our family.

It goes like this:

Mommy, Daddy,Thing 1, Thing 2 and Sheepy.

Sheepy has been a part of our family since roughly 2 years ago.

I wish I could remember the exact date.

Sheepy has been with us since the girls started daycare 2 years ago, our big move to Israel and preschool.

This is Sheepy:

And this is Neve on Sheepy:

Any questions?

***

It started out innocently enough.

Ne*ve was a bad teether.

So she would often take her shirt and shove it in her mouth to calm her pain.

She would wake up with a very wet shirt and develop a rash.

She then moved on to a blanket that I would cover her in at night.

She proceeded to sleep with the blanket lodged in her mouth.

The blanket was too long and I was worried it would smother her at night.

So I took out a small blanket the girls received as a baby gift from one of my husband’s former co workers.

And that was it.

She CANNOT go to sleep without it.

OMG We have tried.

She will literally cry NON STOP if she doesn’t have sheepy.

We cannot leave the house for an extended period without bringing it along.

She goes to bed gladly if Sheepy is by her side.

She places it in her mouth and takes one end of the blanket, and caresses her hand with it, then her eye lids. There is a very specific routine that she does.

She even once refered to Sheepy as “Sheepy ~~our last name~~“

I often post pictures, but these are the ones you havent seen.. with Sheepy!