Gemini Girl

Day 7

Someone who has made your life worth living for.

SomeoneS who have made my life worth living for are my two little girls.

G-D how much I love them.

After going through infertility, then having a difficult pregnancy (5 weeks of hospital bedrest), my girls made their big debut 10 weeks early.

Needless to say, those months were the HARDEST months of my life.

I battled PTSD & PPD for a long time after their births.

It made me feel like the worst mom in the world, because after all why was I depressed? I had two beautiful little girls.

I felt guilty for feeling the way that I did.

Us IF’s (infertiles) don’t like to talk about PPD because we don’t feel like we have the right to.

We are the ones who know just how hard it is to become pregnant.

We cried rivers of tears with each menstrual cycle.

The truth is, it took me a long time to bond with my girls.

I didn’t have the whole “love at first sight” thing that many women talk about when they see their babies.

After all, how could I?

They were attached to tubes and monitors and were so tiny.

I didn’t want to get attached… just in case….

It took me a few months, but I finally made that connection… once I knew they were going to be OK.

It took me about a year and a half to crawl out of that hell that is called PP Depression.

And since then, I find myself more and more in love with my girls.

You know, until this day I find it strange to say “my girls”.

I still can’t believe that I am a mother.

and that I have daughters nonetheless!

I have a really BAD relationship with my mother.

The whole mother/daughter bond thing that everyone talks about is lost on me.

So I needed to piece together what I think a mother/daughter relationship should be.

And I think that I am doing a damn good job at it.

My girls are wonderful.

They are not yet 3 years old, and they are polite little girls.

They are creative, and funny and smart and warm.

And somewhere in there I know that it has a little bit to do with me.

I am always one to berate myself.

Not think highly of myself.

Beat myself up for a lot of things.

But through them… through them I can see.

I can see that I AM a good person.

That I AM doing a good job.

They are proof of that.

Who makes your life worth living?

Day 6

Something you never hope to do

I think the answer is obvious.

For almost every single one of us.

I pray that in my life, I will never have to bury a child.

That is the greatest fear when you become a parent.

One of my very dear friends had to do it.

I cannot even begin to fathom what she went through, and what she still must be going through.

My heart aches at what could have been for that beautiful little girl.

I cry as I type this.

I cry for the loss of her life.

I weep for my friend’s pain and despair.

I hurt for the presence that this world has lost.

I think that when we hear a story of a child passing, we automatically imagine ourselves in that situation, and then put it out of our minds as quickly as possible.

No one wants to EVER think about that.

And yet some have to live with it every.single.day.

I pray to G-D that I never have to do that.

What do you hope you never have to do?

Day 5

Something you hope to do in your life

I dont feel like there is anything truly special about me.

I can cook- but I’m not the best cook

I can draw- but I am not the best artist

I can sing- but I am not the best singer

I am a mother- but I am not the best mother

I am a wife- but I am not the best wife

I am a daughter- but I am far from being the best daughter

I am an employee- but I am not the best employee

I am a friend- but I am not the bestest friend

I dont feel as thought I am truly wonderful at anything.

I can do many little things and I am many things to many people… but I dont feel as though I am living my best life.

I am not true to myself.

I am not authentic.

No one really knows me.

I hardly do.

I hope to one day lead an authentic life.

That is my hope for myself.

What do you hope to accomplish one day?

Day 4

Something you have to forgive someone for

Hmm..

Lately I have been trying to make amends with everyone who I have hurt and who have hurt me.

The only person who is in constant battle with me is my brother.

I have to forgive him for being who he is.

He has Aspergers and sometimes when he acts a void, with no emotions… it’s hard for me to not be hurt.

He is my older brother and I do love him.

I just hurts to see how he self sabotages himself.

He is very high functioning, so sometimes I forget that he has AS… but when he does or says something that hurts me to my core.. I need to remember that his mind doesnt work like your or mine does..

it’s just who he is.

and who he is is someone that I love.

Who do you need to forgive?

Day 3

Something you have to Forgive Yourself For:

As much as I know that it wasnt my fault…. I feel like I failed my daughters.

My body failed them.

They were thrust into this world 10 weeks early.

I know twins often come early… but not that early.

I almost lost them at 25 weeks.

But by the grace of G-D my body held on for another 5 weeks.

Enough to bring up the viability rate from 40% to 97%

But I cant help but wonder why I went into labor at 25 weeks.

Did I stand on my feet too much?

I did move into a bigger apartment the week prior.

I got on a chair the day prior to hang up a happy birthday sign for my husband.

I was exhausted.

But I thought I was superwoman and kept on truckin’

And although I look at them now, almost 3 years later and they are beautiful and healthy… the start of their lives was anything but easy.

I still see them as 3 lb babies….with tubes and monitors and ivs….

I need to forgive myself…

I hope I can one day.

What can’t you forgive yourself for?

DAY 2

Something You Love About Yourself:

I love that I am usually a really good judge of character. I can meet someone and within the first 5 minutes I know who they are… what kind of moral fabric they are made of. That is why I am always surrounded be really wonderful people. Of course, I wasn’t always like this… which would explain my ex boyfriend I suppose

Oh, and my REALLY STRONG intuition is not too shabby either…

What do you love about yourself?