2010 July « Gemini Girl

Archive for July, 2010

Stream of Consciousness

July 28, 2010 at 7:06 am · Filed under From the heart

My mind still goes back to that moment often.

I try to put it out of my mind, but like a ball that you submerge in a pool.. it just pops right back up.

I am reminded when I am folding my clothes into my new closet and come across maternity shirts that I bought 2 months ago.

I am reminded when I am unpacking a box of baby bouncers or toys.. when I packed it I was pregnant and imagined my little one playing in it.

I am reminded when I see a pregnant belly.

ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

Even when I had just given birth to my girls and was sleep deprived and exhausted, I would still get a twinge of jealousy when a pregnant woman walked by me.

It’s because I can’t have it.

I cant have what is “normal” and “natural” for 90% of women.

I can’t have it on MY TERMS.

The day of my flight I went to my OB and peed in a cup.

The nurse came up to me and said that the pg test came out negative.

My heart dropped.

I mean, how could it be negative? It was positive a few days prior?

It was a blur.

And I know that NOW is just NOT the right time to have another.

Not emotionally, financially, mentally.

Hell, I am juggling so many damn balls in the air, I am afraid that everything will come crashing down.

I wonder why I have to dwell about this when I have two little girls at home.

Being a mother is so fucking hard.

I was a working mom since they turned 3 months old and am just only now realizing what it takes to a be a mom.

It is so much work.. and I find myself hating myself for being such a pussy about it.

I don’t measure up.

I wonder if everyone feels this way.

If it’s ”normal”.

I give my girls love and warmth.

I let them be who they are.

I shoot down people around us who try to compartmentalize them because they are two little girls who happen to have been born at the same time. Because its comfortable for people to do that and ask who the “good twin” is.. and this happens more often than you would believe.. right in front of them.

I give them individual time which is SO VERY important for twins to have.

I read all the books about what to do and what NOT to do.

I discipline my girls to make sure they grow up to be proper adults and good people. People around the girls (teachers, family members, friends) even comment about how well-behaved our girls are often. That warms my heart because there was NO discipline in my house growing up. And when there isn’t any discipline, a child can’t control his impulses and loses his self-confidence.

But I STILL don’t feel like I am ‘mom of the fucking year ‘ because I lose my patience so quickly, and I don’t often get on the floor and play games with them.

(Hell, they are in their room as I type playing.. and here I am hiding in my room… hoping to finish this stream of consciousness before someone screams.)

Its like I disconnect.

I’m here, but not really.

I go through the motions.

And yet here I am crying about my lost baby… my “what if”

And maybe it just wasnt meant to be right now.

Maybe I just have to wait until my girls are older and more independent to truly enjoy another set of tiny hands and feet.

Until I am more connected to myself.

Because I havent felt like myself in years.

I hope I do one day.

Permalink Comments (17)

Send Deodorant.

July 24, 2010 at 3:38 pm · Filed under Moving is.. fun?, My daughters

OK why did no one tell me that this stay at home mom thing is freaking HARD?!?

I dont know how anyone does it. i really dont.

I am truly tired and exhausted by it all.

My husband started a school workshop that takes place every single night SUN- THU (sun in Israel is the start of the workweek.. i don’t think I will be able to get used to that) from 4pm-10pm which means he leaves at like 3:30pm every day. Which means I have the pleasure of keeping the ladies occupied during those times. Who but the crew from Yo Gabba Gabba can keep 2.5 year olds occupied for more than 2 minutes in a row? I mean maybe if I had a Technicolor, psychedelic background when i spoke, the girls would listen to me more? Or maybe just a fuzzy hat?

So this will be our schedule until the middle of OCTOBER. Hold me.

I just dont think I will make it.

The good thing about living here in this particular house is that my sister-in-law has a house out back with her twins as well.

Yes, my husband’s older brother has twins.

Born 5 months after our own.

Everyone happens to think that twins run in our family.

Well, they do now!

The dynamics between them are so interesting to watch…

They dont get that they are cousins, and they are all around the same age, and yet its apparent that my girls are older (even though my niece is taller than my daughters!)

It;s great that they have one another to play with.. it does make it much easier (until they start fighting that is)..

***

My batteries are running out a bit these days. I think that only now.. just about 2 months later, I am starting to really feel the effects of the move.

I am not sad in any way, and I don’t think that I made the wrong decision whatsoever.

This decision was pretty much made for us, but I am A-OK with it. It’s funny how when people ask me how I am doing and I respond positively, it’s like they don’t believe me. People expect me to be shell-shocked, but I am not really.

I mean, yes moving from the states to the middle east is VERY DIFfERENT to say the least.

People here can be abrasive, rude and pretty much tell it like it is (even if you didn’t ask them to)

And some very random things are super expensive.. for example why does deodorant cost $10.00 (US Dollars) here? It’s a little much if you ask me.

Cars are also INSANELY EXPENSIVE.

we bought a car 2 weeks ago.. that was made in 1994. My sister-in-law who babysits my girls was born in 1994.

And get this, no POWER WINDOWS.

You have to roll it down the old fashion way.

Also? If I want the air conditioning to work I need to give the vent a good punch to the face.

I am not joking.

I literally have to put my standards aside for a while… otherwise, I will be miserable.

But the up side of having a junky car? I am finally learning to drive on the highway.

I have NEVER driven on the highway in the 5 years since I’ve had my license. I always drove in my city.. but now, unless I want to stay in my farm town.. I MUST drive on the highway.. and I am! Which to me is A BIG DEAL. I just need to not focus on any big trucks driving next to me and I will be ok. I hope.

Anywho regarding the first half of this post, I need suggestions! What to do with 2 toddlers and 1 mommy every afternoon.. I am slowly losing my mind, or whatever is left of it.. I need ideas people!

Oh, and send deodorant!

Permalink Comments (25)

This is what it Sounds like when Doves Cry.

July 14, 2010 at 2:11 pm · Filed under Moving is.. fun?

I knew that living with family was going to cause some drama… I mean, it comes with the territory I suppose..

But considering that I have been independent from an early age, it seems to be quite an adjustment.

We moved to Israel for many reasons, one of which is that we financially could not afford to continue our lifestyle in the US. I had a good job, with an amazing company which I adored, but it wasnt enough to keep us afloat. My husband was a student and worked when he could, but his good intentions couldn’t pay our rent.

My father in law told us to come and move in with him. He lives in Israel and owns a large home with acres of land. My brother-in-law lives out back with his wife and 3 kids which includes a set of twins that are 5 months younger than my own.

My husband was hesitant to move in with his family again, because as we all know, not all families are like Donna Reed.

We have our own apartment upstairs from his dad, his dad’s wife, and 16-year-old sister. It is a very large apartment.

I am so thankful for his dad’s help.

But then again, his dad can be unbearable to live with. I only see this now. and he is making me regret this move in so many ways.

This morning we started clearing out the apartment since our own furniture will be arriving tomorrow from the states. We are so excited to see our stuff again, and make this place that we are living in, a home.

My father in law likes to keep crap.

I mentioned it in passing in a recent post, as a joke.. but it’s starting to not seem so funny anymore. We started clearing out today, and my husband told his father that he wanted to remove an old cabinet from the living room. My father in law had a shit fit and said we were in no way moving it from the living room. That it is his house and he will leave whatever he wants in it. Now mind you the thing is large and quite the eyesore.. also, it’s from 1971… and NOT PRETTY.

This led to a screaming match between him and my husband.. I have NEVER seen my husband fight with his dad… but what came next was shocking.

As my fil was helping my husband clear some things out, he saw a part of the wall off to the side that I had painted. I like painting my surroundings with warm neutral colors.. I always have. I had only done a few strokes to see if I liked the color…

The man LOST IT.

He started yelling at my husband that we were NOT ALLOWED to paint HIS apartment and that if we didn’t like the current color, then we could leave.

YES, he said that.

I was in the kitchen when this went down.

This led my husband to tell him father that he never ever tells his brother what to do (his brother does what he wants, when he wants and is never appreciate of his father) and that he should ask his brother to keep the eyesore in his living room. He also proceeded to tell him that allthough he does do things for us, he ALWAYS throws it back in my husband’s face…so it defeats the good will.

He pretty much made my husband break down.

My husband cried.

I wasnt there, I didn’t see it.. but I heard it in his voice.

He made my husband cry.

My husband who has not cried since he was 10 and his mother died.

My husband who feels like he failed his family by not being able to support us there…

He made my husband cry.

And I am tearing up while I write this, because it’s not about fucking paint.

It’s about pride.

We have been stripped of any pride we may have had by picking up and moving into my fil’s house.

All he kept saying over and over again was “It’s my house. If you dont like it, leave”…

and mind you, he NEVER comes up to our apartment. It is separate from his.

He broke my husband.

We didn’t have a choice. We had to come here. And in so many ways, we WANTED to come here.. I mean, we have so many family members here who love us and support us. It’s so nice to be surrounded by love and warmth… something we were so missing in the US.

I support my husband and his decision to go to school. He has worked so hard to get an education.. and by coming to Israel, he knew not all his credits would transfer… but we did it for the well fair of our family overall.

I see my daughters and the freedom they have here.. they roam around the land and play.. like little children should. I grew up in Brooklyn, where all I had were 4 walls and a warning that I should watch out for myself when I left the house. I would come to Israel over the summers and feel like a kid. It was magical. And I want my daughter to have that.. and when they run around playing with their cousins, I know that I made the right decision…

But this whole power game may just break my husband… and if he breaks, I may crack and give my fil a piece of my mind… or whatever is left of it… even though I know it would be like arguing with a wall.

I know that no new beginnings are easy.

Especially when you move to another country…

But I just need to keep reminding myself that I am doing it from my girls…