2010 May « Gemini Girl

Archive for May, 2010

My Maybe Baby

May 30, 2010 at 5:22 pm · Filed under From the heart, Infertility

Being an Infertile means never having to worry about birth control.

It takes a team of medical professionals to help me get pregnant.

I am 28.

This past month, I had my second frozen transfer. I decided not to write about it online, for fear of disappointing myself again.

So quietly, and without telling anyone but one or two of my best friends, I walked into the fertility clinic on a beautiful Sunday morning.

Mothers Day.

The doctor said it was a good omen.

I lay in bed for 3 days.

Waiting for my baby to grow inside me.

6 Days later, I couldn’t wait any longer.

I bought a HPT.

I peed.

2 lines.

I was pregnant.

My little frozen encino man.

My blood test confirmed it.

Here I was, a week away from moving out of the country and I was finally pregnant again.

My family would now be complete.

We started packing our baby items away for our little January arrival.

My stomach started to pop, my breasts sore.

I looked pregnant.

I bought some maternity clothes.

And just like that…. it was gone.

I lost my baby.

My little encino man.

My frozen warrior.

I had a sonogram done the morning of my flight. All I wanted to see on the screen was 1 embryo and not 2. I was scared to have twins again. I didnt think that there wouldnt be 1.

I found out that my HCG numbers dropped later that day

My stomach started to cramp.

I still looked pregnant.

I sat in my empty apartment waiting for the taxi to come pick us up to take us to our new life thousands of miles away… with tears in my eyes.

We infertiles never think that once we ARE finally pregnant…that it will be taken away.

I mean, it’s just NOT FAIR.

Yesterday I started to bleed lightly.

My cousin who I adore came to see me and the girls.

I hadn’t seen her in 2 years.

I hugged her and her baby belly.

I didn’t feel jealousy.

I love her.

The pain that I felt overnight as my period came in was UNBEARABLE.

Something to do with the uterine lining.

I held my cramping belly all night while I slept on my cold bathroom floor.

I lost my maybe baby.

Gone just as quick as he was conceived.

My heart is broken.

I wonder why it had to work, only to be taken away?

I wonder why I put myself through all of this ALL over again.

I look at my two precious miracles and can’t believe that I got them on my first try.

I never realized what a miracle that truly was at the time.

Now I do know.

And I hug them a tad tighter because of it.

If I never have another child…I am so GRATEFUL AND BLESSED to have these two beautiful daughters.

With them…my heart is complete.

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I Scare Semi- Celebrities

May 20, 2010 at 3:11 pm · Filed under Me, Moving is.. fun?

I have had quite the past couple of weeks.

WHIRLWIND.

We are ALMOST done packing, which is good considering the shippers are coming tomorrow to pick up our boxes and furniture. I CHOSE not to be home for the chaos of that. I told my husband that I HAD to work. Tomorrow also happens to be my last day at work.

Speaking of work, man am I going to miss my co workers.

I have been lucky enough to work for the most AMAZING company for the past 4 years. The people who I have encountered have been nothing but wonderful (with the sometimes exception of my current boss).

Last night, I went out with a bang.

My company had a HUGE party.

Me & a Golden Owl (this is how we roll at work)

Everyone was sloshed out their minds, besides me of course. No I didn’t drink. I HAVE SO MUCH PAKCING TO DO TONIGHT I thought it would be best if I was NOT hung over.

I even got to meet Seth Gr.een last night. He is short. As short as you would expect.

This was my conversation with him:

Me: I am a huge Family Guy fan.

Him: Oh really? (faking interest)

Me: Yeah, I was even one of the people who wrote into Fox when Family Guy was cancelled a few years ago and demanded it back on the air.

You’re Welcome.

Him: (Laughing) well thank you!

I should have stopped here, but I didn’t

Me: I even have the Family Guy Game App on my iphone

Him: What’s that?

Me: (Takes out my phone to show him) It’s a Family Guy Arcade game. Someone owes you royalties I guess!

Him: Nah, I don’t own the right to Family Guy, they can do what they want.

Me: It must be so fun to have your job!

Him: Yes, it’s my favorite job that I have (he has many)

Me: It must be great to work with Seth McFarlen!

Him: *crickets*

Then I congratulated him on his marriage, he asked me my name and we went our separate ways. He seemed to be on some sort of muscle relaxer (correction: I was just told it was weed).

FIN

*****

As the days wind down to our departure, I am getting nervous.

This was always the ultimate plan, but it happened so quickly. We decided in Feb and here we are 3.5 months later..(almost)all packed and ready to go.

These next few days in New York should be amazing. A friend is coming to visit me before I leave. And I need just that… to have fun and be surrounded by people who I love.

It’s been hard to say goodbye to people.

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Bumpy Ride

May 6, 2010 at 11:55 am · Filed under Moving is.. fun?

What do you get when you take two toddlers and throw in a case of the stomach flu?

One EXHAUSTED mom.

They’ve had a stomach bug since Saturday night. Apparently I just found out from their daycare teacher that its been going around for the past 2 weeks.

After throwing up last night in her crib, Neve complained of a tummy ache. It’s so strange when your child gets to that age that they can verbalize what is bothering them!

It’s so innovative!

She complained and let me tell you, the amount of bodily fluids that came out of her would make anyone grumpy.

Oh the joys of motherhood!

And of course, who is the one that had to clean it all up because the other has a broken hand? Why me of course!

Oh and guess who is also doing all the packing?

If you guessed me, go get yourself an ice cream cone!

My husband helped pack one night, and started taking random things and putting them in the trash pile. I looked at him and asked what the hell he was doing. Who says I wanted to get rid of that vase I bought from Daffy’s on sale?

He obviously makes a good point,.. something about paying the shipping company per square foot, so whatever is unnecessary should stay behind… but you know dude, I need a moment. I need a moment to internalize and see how bonded I am to a certain thing before you hastily throw it in the trash bin.

I am having a problem parting with my pretty unnecessary things.

I am having a problem parting with the only life that I have ever known…

I have been taking on a lot lately and I think I am cracking. Cracking I tell you!

I am flooded with emotions regarding this move. I am leaving in less than 3 weeks. It’s so huge.

I havent let it all sink in yet.

I have worries too.

I worry that I wont fit in.

I worry that I will feel trapped.

I worry that I will be judged from everything to the cleanliness of my home to how I parent (by the insane amount of relatives that we have there).

I worry that I will feel as though I made a huge mistake.

I worry that I will never feel as though I am “home”

I worry that my husband wont be as attentive to the girls and our home and obligations because I will now have to share him with his entire family (and their needs and wants).

I worry that I wont find a good job.

I have so many worries, and yet the only thing that is keeping me going is my girls.

Just the thought that they will have a magical childhood because of where they are going to grow up (G-D willing) makes my heart happy.

I grew up in a city and didn’t have a backyard. I dont consider my childhood “magical”.

My husband had acres of land to run around on and just enjoyed being a kid..surrounded by loving family.

I want that for my girls.

Plus I think the financial pressure will be off us a bit (considering we don’t have to pay rent and utilities for a while) will lift a weight from my shoulders.

Maybe it will make me like my husband more? Or at the very least make us fight less?

Dunno.

All I know is that I am headed for a HUGE change and I need to hold on tight. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.