2010 February « Gemini Girl

Archive for February, 2010

Fleeting Moments

February 26, 2010 at 1:00 am · Filed under My daughters, Purim

Purim is this week.

For all of you who don’t know what Purim is, it’s pretty much like the “Jewish Halloween”. Go HERE to learn more about it.

The girls daycare center had a party this week where all the kids dressed up in costumes.

I happen to have a zillion costumes, so I decided to try them on the girls to see what would work.

Neve was not amused.

Oh The humanity!

She hated the feel of the dress, so I had an idea to use the tutu’s from their first birthday party and make them ballerinas…

Neve was NOT AMUSED:

Soleil on the other hand, was more than happy to try on her costume:

This just goes to show you that just because you were born with a sibling, doesn’t mean you are anything alike!

I took my camera to their daycare center on a very SNOWY NYC day so that I could capture these very fleeting moments…

This will be the girls last Purim at their daycare.

They love it there.

I know that as long as the girls are together, anywhere will be home.

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Just when I started sleeping again.

February 23, 2010 at 10:22 am · Filed under Family, From my mind's eye

*Hi*

So I have decided to share with the internetz (because I will need your good vibes).

I am currently starting my second round of IVF this week.

This time, it will be a frozen cycle.

The whole concept of a frozen cycle freaks me the hell out.

To think that all of the blasts (multi celled organisms that form a baby) were created at the same time and some stored away for future use, while 2 others were chosen to come into this world- FREAKS.ME.THE.HELL.OUT.

AHEM.

So technically, does that mean that they are all the same age- you know, my girls and these frozen babies?

I have 6 blasts in the freezer.

Not MY freezer (imagine if it were in my freezer, next to the frozen bagels and mac and cheese from 1989?)some state-of- the- art/ high-tech sub-zero something or other in my fertility clinic.

When I called the clinic to talk to them about coming in, I made it VERY CLEAR that I would only be having 1 placed.

As much as I would LOVE to have a million children (ok, 4) I know that:

a) My body is too weak to carry twins to full term- see archives Oct/ Nov 2007

b) I am not mentally prepared to have another set of twins.

c) Me have no $$ for 4 children. Not now anyway.

Now the rational side of me says ”Don’t do it. You have no money! You are moving to Israel because you can’t afford to pay for everything.” To that I say…”OK, Maybe… BUT”…

I am lucky to work for a company that PAYS for fertility treatments. I have 6 frozen in storage which makes the process so much easier (mentally and physically).

We are also moving to a place where we wont have to worry about rent for a long time. I am NOT getting any younger (turning 29 this year- what kind of age is 29 ??Not here nor there) and these are 25-year-old eggs- so I best get on it now.

I kind of feel like it’s now or never.

I know it’s not going to be all rainbows and sunshine. To think that I may have 3 under 3 kind of scares me. Now imagine those 3 running around a farm- IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS!? HAZARDS everywhere-” look out for that peach orchard, oh no a plow!!” with one tired mommy, while daddy works to get a degree (which poor guy has taken him FOREVER). Plus- we will have SEVERAL sets of hands to help. We have one big amazing extended family.

We have always wanted a big family with many children.

I can’t look back and say to myself “I could have had that 3rd child, but it wasn’t the right time”

I have learnt in my life that there is no such thing as THE RIGHT TIME.

It is always the wrong time.

But I will make it the right time.

You never regret what you did. You always regret what you didn’t do.

I grew up with an older brother. It was just us 2, and I always felt like something was missing. My brother and I aren’t very close..I always wanted more from him.. something I only learnt later.. that he wasn’t capable of giving.

I always dreamt of a sister, or a sibling who too would roll their eyes at my parents shenanigans. Someone from my own gene pool who would understand me.

My husband was so against the idea of having another one now.. but with some convincing from me and my aunts (while in Ireland-I will write about Ireland soon!)… he lifted his arms up in a way that indicated “Do what you want” – I love when he agrees with me (I just think he is too tired to argue with me- I can put up quite the fight).

I know that by putting 1 blast in, I am considerably lowering my chances of becoming pregnant… but again, I CANNOT have twins again. There are some women who are built for that… I with no shame say: I am not one of those ladies.

So.

I go in to the clinic this Thursday with my husband.

We will meet with my doctor. The doctor who made it possible for me to be a mother.

I will try not to bear hug him.

Then we will meet with my nurse to discuss meds/ dosage/ etc.

This is a process that will take about 4- 6 weeks.

I am nervous, scared, tired.

I’ve already started pre- natal vitamins.

To go through this again is stressful.

I truly hope this leads to another family member.

I miss that new baby smell.

But if it doesnt, well… I will still be thankful.

After All… have you seen these little ladies?

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What I Love About Blogging

February 22, 2010 at 1:00 am · Filed under From the heart

This post can pretty much write itself.

Today is my 3 year blogging anniversary.

Looking back, I realized just how much blogging has changed my life.

Three years ago, I was a young woman who couldn’t get pregnant. I was scared that I might never have children.

Here I am 3 years later with two beautiful little girls who call me “Mommy” (the same little girls who stand next to me in silence in middle of the night in pitch darkness and scare the shit out of me).

This blog has been my therapy.

It really really has.

I have always found writing to be therapeutic. Even as a child, I liked using my diary to document my life. I wanted to be able to look back and remember a certain time and place that would have been long forgotten if not for the written proof.

For years I stopped writing.

I’m not even sure how I started a blog. I don’t exactly remember.

But I know that it has been one of the best most surreal experiences of my life.

I have made friends-DEAR DEAR friends via this outlet.

Women who I know in my heart of hearts that I will call my friends forever.

Women who were there for me while I underwent IVF, through my difficult pregnancy and the very difficult birth of my daughters.

Women who got me through my first years as a mother.. holding my hand. Wiping my tears as I cried.

The community of bloggers….

A community I never even knew existed. A community who wrapped their arms around me. A community who told me that no, I was not alone. That they too had screwed up childhoods, or doubted their ability to parent….

I have learnt more about myself in these three years of blogging, through blogging, then I have in my29 years on this earth.

In 3 years , I have only received 1 Judgemental comment.

That alone should attest to the love that is within this community.

I witnessed how Bloggers and Blog Readers surrounded one of my very best friends when her daughter passed.

The love overwhelmed me.

And as I sit here and type …. I cry because even though my husband doesn’t get what a blog is…and 99% of the people in my life have no idea that I even have one… I know just how much I have gained from this outlet.

I don’t use my name in this blog because I put it ALL out there.

I don’t filter.

I don’t want to filter.

I want to be real and I am scared that I wont be able to be if everyone knows about my blog.

I have no idea how you got here, or why you read my blog… but I want to thank you.

Thank You for the support.

Thank You for the love.

Thank You for being a witness to my life.

I hope you stick around for the rest of my journey.

XOXO,

Gemini-Girl

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Never Take Candy From a Stranger

February 10, 2010 at 1:00 am · Filed under Childhood

When I was 6 years old and spending the summer in my grandparents house in Israel, I would often play with the neighborhood kids.

It was a lot of fun just running around being free.

I grew up in New York and didn’t have much of a backyard… actually, I didn’t have one at all. I longed to run wild and free, so every summer while in Israel, I got my chance.

I remember on one particular day, I was playing with a neighbor who was just around my age. She had older brothers who would play with us as well.

I remember one of her brothers was 12 years old.

I don’t recall too much about what happened, but I do remember sitting on the steps with him- while he confessed that he liked me as more than just a friend. Some sort of emergency sensor went off in my brain. I knew that it was WRONG. He was 12, and I was 6.

Sure, I was in love with Fred Savage who was 12 at the time- but that was a crush.

This pre- teen wanted me to be his” secret girlfriend”. I remember running back to my grandparents house after rambling off some excuse to him about missing an animated program of sorts.

This got me thinking about growing up in a city.

I guess when you are brought up in a city, you don’t have too many opportunities to find yourself being inappropriately propositioned. Our house was an iron wall- no one was to get in or out. My mother did a VERY good job and teaching us to pay attention to strangers and their motives.

When I was 9, my mom was very sick and couldn’t pick me up from the bus stop. I remember having to walk home by myself, and a strange man LITERALLY asked me if I wanted candy. Literally. He opened his palm and showed me candy. I ran away from him quickly. Of course, he may have just actually wanted to share some candy with me. Who knows.

Then there was the store keep who always smiled and winked at me. I knew it wasn’t in a friendly way. You sort of sense sinister from a mile away. I was 8. I remember telling my mother how it made me feel uncomfortable when he did that, and she like a mama bird protecting her young pounced upon him and warned him to not do it again. His excuse in broken english was ” No, I have sons and I wanted to possibly set her up with them when they all got older” - UMM NOT AN EXCUSE PERV. I WAS 8.

So now that we are moving to a big, open community- I worry. I worry that there may be undercover predators who are willing and waiting in the wings to harm my young. I will do my best to teach them about the bad in people (as well as the good) and to ALWAYS trust their guts and remain alert. I hope I manage to do a good job at this, just as my mother did with me.

How do you plan on teaching your kids about evil people?

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My Shoulders Hurt.

February 9, 2010 at 1:00 am · Filed under From my mind's eye

I’m sick and tired.

I am sick and tired of always being the one to lift everyone else up.

Who the fuck is around to lift me up?

I have been the sole bread-winner in my household for some time now and I am tired.

I am tired and fed up.

I REFUSE to allow more time to go by where all I do is work, not see my kids- all for what? For more fucking roadblocks in my husband’s education?

I can’t do it anymore.

So we decide on Israel and he has “doubts” he’s “scared”

Yes, we’ve been over this.

I lift him up daily only to have to give him the positive, rainbow- filled, speech EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.

I am tired.

My neck and shoulders are sore.

I feel like my insides are eating away at me.

I’m scared too, but who is there for me to tell me it will be OK?

Certainly NOT my husband. He’s too busy cowering in the corner, clutching on to his “doubts” and “scary scenarios”.

I tell him we can’t stay here- WE CAN’T PAY THE RENT DAMN IT. What the fuck else are we suppose to do?

If he wants to go to school and have a career- this is the only way to do it.

I can’t always be the strong one.

I just can’t.

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So It’s Actually Happening.

February 8, 2010 at 1:00 am · Filed under Family, Moving

My husband and I had thrown out the idea of moving to different places this past year. First it was after our trip to L.A last January when we absolutely fell in love with California. That was scratched when we realized that L.A was just as expensive as New York.

Then it was Atlanta, where we could totally make a go of it on one income.That was scratched as well when we realized that we would have no safety net.

But this time it’s different.

We are really moving to Israel.

I’ve been feeling so conflicted about it.

When we took the girls to Israel when they were 6 months old to meet their family, we kind of mentally assessed the living/lifestyle there. We liked it. It was different this time around because now we had a family. It was such a wonderful place to raise a family. We were engulfed by so much love it was overwhelming. It really feels nice when you receive love when you didnt know just how much it was missing.

So for my girls, I know it is the right move.

My husband also looked into a school which is known to be the “Harvard of Israel” and will work VERY HARD to get accepted into that school. It is not easy to get accepted there, but once in – he can pretty much have any position he applies for. Just knowing that he might have a chance in that school is lifting his spirits.

His brother called him last night and tried to convince him to stay in America. Says that it would be a waste to lose all the credits he’s acquired so far. You know what I think? I think his brother is a douche who only thinks about himself. He knows damn well that we don’t have much of a choice. His brother is also the kind of guy that ONLY thinks of himself (even before his wife and children) so I know that by us moving back home, he is worried that we will somehow take his share of things (land, etc).

He can suck it.

Oh, and by the way- did I mention I am moving to a farm?

Yes folks- that’s right.

“Farm Living is the life for me….”- singing that in a za za gabor voice

This should be interesting.

Me and my high heels.

I don’t like dirt and my girls will be COVERED in it.

But at least I will know that they are having fun.

I can always hose them down outside.

I broke the news to my OVERLY DRAMATIC mother who happen to take the news surprisingly well. She knows its the best thing for us right now. It felt so out of left field to hear that from her.

On Thursday, we have an appointment with the Israeli Embassy.

I guess we will be much smarter then.

***

This weekend was spent cleaning out our closets (no small feat since we are hoarders) and it was NOT PRETTY. We threw out soooooooooo much unneccessary crap. We needed to throw a lot of things out because we are hauling our crap over via shipping container, and the more stuff you have – the pricier it is!

Box taken from apt building's basement- don't judge.

It feels therapeutic to let go of stuff.

Things I threw out:

Autographed Pictures of” Actors” who were on the soap Passions.
A poster board that I stole from props when I was an extra on Mad About You. What- I never told you about that?
My headshots from 1998 when I tried (and failed) to be an actress.
A painting that I made when I was 16 that was ALL BLACK with a tiny person huddled in the fetal position on the ground. Teen Angst much?
SCRAPBOOKS. so many scrapbooks.
Poems from the teen years. I will totally scan them one day. I promise. One the lines may or may not be “At Night I cry into my pillow so tight”

I could go on.

But I wont because I love you all too much.

What kind of random stuff have you found cleaning out your house?

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We’re Going Where?

February 4, 2010 at 4:56 pm · Filed under Say What?

Whoa is me Blog Friends.

Whoa is me.

So remember when I wrote about our plans to move to Atlanta?

Well, that’s NOT happening.

You know what is?

We are moving to Israel.

Like soon.

Like by summer time.

How did this happen?

OK.

Well, as most of my readers know, my ENTIRE family lives there (besides for my parents and brother). Mom is eldest of 7, Dad is 1 of 9. I have about 60 FIRST COUSINS, 28 Aunts & Uncles and that does not include my husband’s side of the family (husband is from Israel).

So.

We have a big family there.

Picture My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and Multiply that by 3.

I am an Israeli citizen (you become a citizen automatically when your parents are citizens even if you were born elsewhere)

If you are an Israeli citizen who has lived abroad for more than 5 years – the Israeli Gov helps you out financially They pay you a lump sum every month, and there is Universal Heath Care.

We. Just. Cannot. Afford. To. Live. Here.

I feel defeated, my husband feels defeated.

If we were to move to ATL, he would have at least another 3 yrs to finish his degree. If we move to Israel (where we have a roof over our heads) it would take 4.

I am ok with 4 years, as long as I am not homeless.

I am ok with 4 years if we are surrounded by our loving family who miss us and want us back.

I am ok with 4 years if that means my girls will have ACRES of land to run around in and play with their TWIN COUSINS who happen to be 5 months younger than them (oh, sweet irony)

Twin Cousins

I am ok with 4 years because we wont have to worry about how we are going to pay our rent while only living off of one income.

Am I scared?

HELL YES.

New York is all I have ever known.

I can navigate these streets like no one else.

I have been to all the hip bars and restaurants.

I have worked for a WONDERFUL company which has allowed me to go to VIP events and enjoy myself.

BUT ALL I DO IS WORK.

I don’t get to be a mom.

I am a weekend mom and I hate it.

Yes, working has afforded me some piece of mind.

But I don’t want to JUST WORK.

Why did I have kids- so that I can see them on the weekends?

NO.

This move will be good in many ways.

It will be scary in others.

But to know that I have a father- in- law who is waiting for us with open arms… that is adamant on us living right above him (in a separate apt) and to pay for my husband’s schooling?

How many people have that?

And then to complicate the matter, I want to go through IVF again before we leave.

It’s free to have it done here (via my company) and I already have 6 frozen blasts. I don’ want to have to go through all the daily shots and blood work again.

The mental anguish.

If we do it here- and if by some grace of G-D I do become pregnant, I will be able to take a year off and just stay home.

To be a mom.

To bond 1:1 with a baby.. something I couldn’t do with the girls.

Something that was robbed of me.

We so terribly want another child.

It may not be the right time, but I am NOT getting any younger.

Plus, I have fertility issues.

My husband thinks it’s the WRONG time. But then again, he felt the same way last time. If I would have listened to him then… we wouldn’t have our beautiful girls.

So I just called the IVF clinic. I am making an appointment for sometime next week.

There is a saying in hebrew that goes “Leshanot Makom… Leshanot Mazal” – which mean you change your luck when you change your location.

I pray that it applies here.

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Melawah Anyone?

February 2, 2010 at 8:20 am · Filed under I'm Yemenite Yo, what we eat

As I’ve mentioned before, my maternal grandparents and my husband’s (paternal & maternal) grandparents were from Yemen. Yemenite people have amazing food- albeit artery clogging.

The Yemenites use a lot of dough and butter (yummmm butterrrrrrrrr).

This dish below is called Melawach and it is STORE BOUGHT (who has time to prepare such a thing? not I my friends, not I)

The packaging- takes 3 minutes to cook

Put the dough in a buttered pan and close lid

Getting crunchy on the outside.. yum

Ready to eat in all it's glistening glory

Oh wait.. hello there, sour cream. Let's hook up

On second thought, let’s leave the sour cream out of it… how insanely fattening is this piece of flat fried dough-bread, you ask?

400 CALORIES & 19 G OF FAT!!!

We do not eat it often (mommy almost never), but when we do- there may or may not be melawach stealing going on:

She took my fried yummy goodness!

Enough said.

Is there a dish that you make or enjoy that may not be considered “main stream”? If so, share!!

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Meet the Newest Member of My Family

February 1, 2010 at 1:00 am · Filed under My daughters, Pictures

My Canon Rebel!

I have wanted one since I first saw the pictures they produce. It is a bit expensive, so I kept putting it off. That is… that is until I realized that I am OMG going to Ireland in a week and a half.. and I cant take my crappy Point & Shoot. I am so not knocking P& S it’s just that with the amount of pictures that I take, I pretty much ruin them.

My husband knew just how long I’ve wanted one, so when I told him I ordered one- he was actually ok with it.

Little did I know, my husband is now OBSESSED with the camera- he takes pictures of everything.

Don’t believe me?