Gemini Girl

My daughters are Two years old today.

Two years ago today, they came into this world tiny (red and hairy), and before their time. “Well aren’t twins born early, anyway?” is the question I am always asked.

“Yes- but not 10 weeks early” -is what I ALWAYS answer.

They were supposed to be Capricorns. Their due date was Jan 18th. Truth be told, I was never really happy with the thought that I would have Capricorns. I just don’t get along with them (my brother & former best friend are Caps). Then I thought, well maybe they will be born in December and be Sagittarius (since Twins are often born FOUR weeks early)… then I realized that it would be WAY worse since both my parents (and my boss urgh) are that sign.

But they decided to be born in November which makes them Scorpios. All I hear from people is “Uh oh” when they hear I have two Scorpios on my hands. Apparently, Scorpios can be very suspicious and vengeful. But then again, what teenage girl isnt?

The first year with the girls was NOT easy to say the least.

Going from a couple to a family of 4 virtually overnight was as shock to our systems.

I try not to dwell on their early births that often. Those first two months after their births were the hardest of my life.  Of course trying and succeeding are two very different things.

Realistically, I know that they are beautiful, thriving and healthy (B’E'H) today.Yet the way they entered this world was engulfed with so much worry, stress and fright.

All I remember when I awoke from my emergency C-Section at 10:00AM on that Tuesday morning was being told “Your daughters are fine. Baby A (Neve) came out screaming , and Baby B (Soleil) came out crying but had some trouble breathing so she needed to be intubated.”

The Doctors acted as though there was nothing to worry about, and that they would be fine.

I didn’t trust the Doctors.

I hated myself for failing them.

It’s guilt that  most preemie moms feel.

My body failed them.

I felt helpless and defenseless.

 I needed to leave those two baby girls in the hospital and go home.

Imagine being wheeled out of the hospital with pink balloons tied to your wheelchair, and everyone wondering where your baby is?

Those balloons mocked me.

I went home to an empty house.

An empty nursery.

And even when Neve came home (2 weeks prior to Sol) we never felt complete.

A part of us was missing.

The first few months of caring for newborn twins was probably 100x worse than basic training.

I would stay awake ALL NIGHT and take care of the girls (since they were never on the same schedule) and my mom would come and take over for me during the day so that I could sleep (my husband worked at the time).

And somehow.. we managed.

We even formed a routine!

A good one!

Then they started to laugh, and move and giggle… and they became little people.

And although they are only 2 years old, I dont remember my life before they were in it.

A love of a mother for her child is all- encompassing. When your child is sick, you are a wreck.

I was talking to someone the other day (OK my therapist) and I told her how as a mom, I need to have it all figured out, but I don’t.

She said that NO MOTHER has it figured out and we play it by ear. As a child, you just think that your mom is the knower of all things (I know not a real word).

I know that I learn every day.

I know that I make mistakes.

I know that without them… without them …

And yes- it’s hard.

It’s hard to be responsible for 2 little people when you hardly feel like you can take care of yourself.

But I do my best.

And one thing I do know for sure…

I love them more with each new day, and I am proud to be their mother.

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Dear Neve,

Neve, Neve , Neve. My sweet Nevey.

What can I say about you?

 This year, you learnt to do many things.

You started to walk and talk.

You were a BAD teether, so I am so glad that’s behind you little lady.

You have a very strong personality and know what you want.

Kind of reminds me of me.

You also have an angry streak (which IS SO your dad’s side) 

 If you dont get your way, you scream, scratch, throw yourself back onto the floor and bang your head.  You  ALWAYS seem to have a bump in the front of your forehead from said tantrums.

Classy.

You are very independent and not very ”touchy feely”. When anyone tries to hug you, you fight it. But when you do want to hug and kiss, you will randomly walk up to me and kiss my leg- and my heart smiles because I know it’s from your heart.

You don’t like meat and DESPISE vegetables.

You will pick through your dinner, and leave all the veggies behind.

Right now, you are enamoured with your father. He is your sun and sky. That used to be me, but alas- this too shall pass. It’s funny to see you two together because you are pretty much a cloned version of him.

Even when you push your sister away when she tries to hug you, we know how much you adore her. Every time you get something you always say “Neve” (which is what you call her since you can’t say her name yet) – to make sure there is one for her as well.

 You always do things to get a laugh from us, no matter how silly:

And even with that strong, unyielding personality I am so proud to be your mother (BRING IT ON BABY!)

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Dear Soleil,

My sweet little Loola.

You are my sweet, gentle soul.

You love to cuddle and hug on us.

You eat everything on your plate- and ESPECIALLY love your vegetables!

You get frightened easily by people in costumes, slinkys, or anything else you don’t quite understand.

You like to help us out around the house

You worry very easily over EVERYTHING

 

and adore your twin sister beyond words.

You are a ray of sunshine in our lives, and love to challenge us by doing EVERYTHING we tell you not to do!

I love you and am so proud to be your Mommy.

Happy Birthday Little Ones… Mommy Loves you