Gemini Girl

OK, so it’s happening again.

Sigh.

Shopping.

Out of control shopping.

The shopping that you have to hide from your spouse lest you want a big blow -out fight.

I used to think that it was me appreciating the good things in life, while my husband only throwing out underwear when it has virtually disintegrated into nothing more than a man thong.

That’s only partially the case.

I have a problem.

I sense the urge and I cannot control it.

I usually feel this way when there is a deep sadness weighing on  me. Depression, if you may.

I feel better emotionally than I did a few weeks ago, when it was at it’s highest. It stopped for a week or two, only to be brought back full force with the discovery of an unused credit card with a high limit.

Stores beckon me with a promises of sales, with the promise of happiness.

The things that I buy make me feel happy.

The things that I buy make up for me always having to rely on my parents for things as a child. My father hardly ever gave me a dime, while my mother did at times- but it was ALWAYS with conditions. Always with her bringing it up later.

When I became an adult, I said “Fuck it- now I dont have to rely on anyone but myself. If I want something, I will go and get it”….if it only had ended there.

I have put us in a good amount of debt from my purchases. Whether it be for the home, for vacations, for myself, for the girls….

It’s like I am trying to prove something.

I am trying to prove something to the world.

Trying to prove that I am “worthy” in some way.

The thing is, I know that I am worthy.

But maybe I dont really.

I know that it’s not the things that make me happy- that’s only temporary. With an addiction, once is never enough… not if you are addicted to drugs, food, exercise, shopping, alcohol- anything. You always say to yourself “just one more time and I wont do it tomorrow”- but you are only lying to yourself.

Yesterday, after making another purchase I took the card and cut it in half. It’s kind of like what I do when there is an amazing  slice of cake sitting in front of me  (like Stone Cold’s Red velvet ice cream cake- OMG). I need to throw it out, or spill something on it in order to control myself.

When it comes to food, I know damn good and well how to control myself. I know the consequences of my actions. My addiction in a former life (when I was a child/teen) used to be food. G-D I used to eat so much. SO FUCKING much. I am surprised that I wasn’t heavier than I was with the amount of food that I ate every day.

 Food was my comfort.

Of course, when I was one of the heaviest girls in my class… that saddened me. I hated it. I hated the lack of attention I received from boys because of my weight.

But when my health was at risk, I took a good look at myself and stopped eating to the point of no return.

When I was pregnant, I ALLOWED myself to eat what I wanted, when I wanted. After all, I was eating for 3.

But I ate too much.

When you have an addiction  to something, and someone gives you the green light to go for it, who are you to say no? In my case, my OB told me that I was expected to gain at least 45 lbs during my pregnancy. I accepted that as a challenge. Game on.

Because my addiction had shifted from shopping (since I hated clothes shopping during my pg) to food again, it was easy to get caught up.

I gained about 60 lbs during my pregnancy.

That would have been a good amount if it werent for the fact that my girls WERE PREEMIES.

I wish I could just find the off button in my brain that fuels my addictions. I wish it were just that simple.

I may have failed yesterday, but today is a new day.