Last month while at Blogher, I was fortunate enough to attend a panel where Anissa, Tanis and Izzymom were speaking. It was about blogging identity. Two of the women have been open with their full names on their blogs. One remains anonymous.
When I first started my blog, It was for me. No one was supposed to read it. I didn’t even think anyone would ever want to read it. I’m just another small blog in a sea of AMAZING HUGE POPULAR blogs. I was sure this was my baby. No one would read it.
Since the age of 7, I have written in journals. I swear, I should post some of the things I wrote back then- because THEY ARE so funny.
Once I became an adult, I was scared. I was worried that one day, my husband or someone else would come upon my words, my secret thoughts.
Thoughts I didn’t want anyone to know.
The sentences and words that I strung together were a way for me to work out how I felt. I didn’t want an invasion into my soul. I didn’t want documented proof.
So I stopped writing.
And then I heard about something called a blog.
It was a time when I REALLY needed to sort out how I felt.
I was battling infertility.
I needed to write, to vent.
I was 25 and infertile.
No one else my age who I knew IRL was infertile.
But there I was, one of the lucky few who was in “the club”.
The club no one wants to be a member in.
Believe me.
I was worried someone I knew might stumble onto my blog one day, so I chose a moniker.
A name to hide behind if you will.
And then the blog took on a mind of its own, and people came by to see how I was doing.
People came by to offer support and encouragement- when I needed it the most.
And although I do not post my full name or my husband’s name, I do post my children’s names.
I’m ok with that.
Many of my blog friends, have turned into my real friends. They know what my name is, where I live, and where I work. They know everything except my social security number.
When my husband and I went to LA this past January and I told him we were going to meet Heather, Mike & Maddie : he thought I was crazy. “You don’t know these people” he said to me.
But I did.
At one point when we were all on the Santa Monica pier, Heather and Mike went on a search for Diet Coke (of course) and left Maddie with my husband and I. He just didn’t get how they could trust us with their baby (with their golden child). By the end of the trip, he “got it”.
I write about my family and my fucked up childhood. I write about how I wish I was more appreciated at work, and how I am not living up to my full potential.
My friends know I have a blog, but don’t know the name or anything else for that matter.
One of my best friend’s (who knows about the blog but never checked it) was on my blog for the first time the other day (he got the name via his boyfriend who is my twitter friend), and he called me to say that I post a lot of pictures of my girls.. and maybe that just wasn’t a good idea.
I know there are some sickos out there.
But I am living under the assumption that 99% of the people that come to my blog or read my words care for me in some way and are invested in my life and the lives of my children. These are people that were there for me through IVF, through hospital bed rest, throughout their premature births and NICU stay.
Why should I hide their beautiful little faces from all of their “Virtual Aunts & Uncles” ?
In retrospect, I maybe should have given them “fake” names, but what’s done is done.
My brother googled my first name and the girls names a few months ago, and my blog came up.
My nightmare fulfilled.
I started having to take down posts.
Why would I need to do that in my personal space?
I did it because I wrote about him, how I suspect he has Asperger’s Syndrome- even though he has never been diagnosed (we went to private school and people were unaware in the 80′s about Autism and such). I wrote about how his AS effects out relationship- and my (somewhat) acceptance that I will never have a normal relationship with my only sibling.
That’s why I don’t plaster my full name or too many intricate details about my life.
If I did, and was public about it- I wouldn’t be able to write how I feel.
And that to me is being untrue to myself.
It stifles my soul.
I wish I had the balls to be like Eden Riley… a woman who slashes her wrists and bleeds all over the pages of her blog.
She went by the name “Topcat” for a few years, but said fuck it and stopped hiding behind it.
She was now Eden.
I still cant do that..
I don’t know if I ever can.
Does that make me a sham?
I just want to be able to be free, and open… something that I wouldn’t be able to be if I was to come out from behind the facade.
Do you remain anonymous on your blog, or are you loud and proud about it? If so, why do you choose to do so?
Dr. Rona Michelson said
First of all, I enjoy reading your blog.
Secondly, to answer the question, I don’t hide anything. I never was a very secretive person, but there was on incident that would have changed that forever.
About 30 years ago I was talking to someone (fortunately I forget who, but it was someone of the male gender) in my living room when all of a sudden my one year old appeared wearing my underwear on her head. At that horrific moment of embarrassment, I realized that there are no secrets.
It seems to me, life got a lot easier from that point on.
stacie said
Well, you know me. I pretty much blog my life as an open book. Sure, I do the whole period thing so we don’t come up first on a search engine, but that was all I could think to do after the fact. I wasn’t clever enough to come up with a fake name in the beginning.
Not too long ago, a good friend I know in real life found my blog and started reading. Then she commented. I nearly freaked out and stopped blogging all together. I couldn’t get past the horror of someone I knew IRL knowing my true feelings.
Now, it doesn’t really matter. Like you, I think that 99.9% of the people who come to my blog care about me, so I just do what I do. My friend is included in that. And really, my thoughts are okay and I don’t have to care if someone disagrees with me because they are MY thoughts, not theirs. If someone can’t take the ugliness of some of my thoughts, then they have no business reading.
Hugs, my dear. You are not a sham. Blogging is a personal thing, and that includes how you choose to blog as much as what you choose to blog about.
Plus, I am really glad that I’ve found you!
Nanette said
I started my blog as a way to keep friends and family up to date, so I started by using my and my husband’s real first names. By the time I was pregnant, I had developed a readership far beyond my family and friends. When I got pregnant, I wasn’t sure about using my daughter’s real name or photos. (I have some mom-blogger friends who are VERY scared of what crazy internet strangers might do, like stealing kids’ photos to use as their own — which does happen, suprisingly — or other unsavory purposes, sadly.)
I continue to use a fake name for her online (a shortened version of what we called her in utero), but eventually started posting pics. (‘Cuz I was too lazy to write real posts, and pics are so easy.) Most of my pics of her on Flickr are approved for friends or family only, with the exception of a bunch I just posted for my daughter’s modeling agency. (Am I a walking contradiction or what?)
Avitable said
I don’t have any anonymity, and my family knows that if they don’t want to be horrified or mortified, they should stay far away from my blog. My brother gets pissed when I make fun of him, but he gets over it.
ali said
I have always shared my name and who I am on my site – - – but with that comes some drawbacks too…when I really need to bitch about some people – friends or family or whatever, I can’t…because either they are reading or people who know them are reading. I’ve even had to take a post down before. sometimes i wish i had an anonymous blog!
Lisa said
I don’t share my husband’s name, I never have. At first I didn’t share my daughter’s name either and didn’t post any pictures of her. However, I felt like I was hiding something from my readers and I didn’t see the big deal in sharing a little bit about her. Now I post pictures of her and share her first name.
I think most of the time the people reading our blogs are just friends, family and people genuinely interested in our story (and eventually become our friends). There are sickos out there, you’re right, but I’m like you I like to think that 99.9% of the people coming to my blog and blogs like mine aren’t of that mindset.
FPIESmommy said
I only started blogging a few months ago. Mostly because I had kept a journal during the first year of my daughters life and when I went back to work, I found that I didn’t have the time or energy to use a pen and paper at the end of the day. But typing on the computer was far easier to do. I also wanted to help one person like other bloggers and online community mom’s had helped me in dealing with my daughter’s severe allergy to milk/dairy/soy. I wanted to share my thoughts and experiences. But I was wary – who would read my blog? should I protect my daughter? I decided to go for it and after my first post I sent a big email out to all of our friends and family. I wanted them to know what I was doing and who I was doing it for – “A”. I keep her name anonymous by using her first initial – and decided to only show pics of her from behind (although I have been so tempted to show the adorable pics that I have of her – it makes my husband and family more comfortable if I don’t right now, I may change my mind and make an executive decision at some point – who knows? I don’t use my real name, but I do on twitter, which is linked to my blog, so really someone could figure it out if they wanted, I am okay with that. I don’t have many readers right now, but like I said, if I can help one person or even just let my family that we don’t see often enough know how we are doing then I am happy. I also think that the people that read our blogs are our family and friends (IRL and online). I feel like I really know that people whose blogs I read and I am so grateful that you and others like you let us see a little piece of your life.
Gail said
I share my first name, and use fake names for my husband and dog…but oddly enough, when my daughter was born, I decided to use her real name. Most of my readers are people that I know IRL, so I do have to be very careful about bitching. Sometimes I wish that I hadn’t shared my blog with everyone I know, but it’s too late now! The more I write, the more I am comfortable with sharing. You are right, people who read your blog read b/c they care…and that is what is important. If they don’t care about you, then you shouldn’t care about them.
AmazingGreis said
I definitely don’t hide my real name from my blog. The unique spelling doesn’t help me hide at all. LOL If you Google my full name my Facebook page is the first thing to come up and my blog is 1/2 way down the page. If you Google my first name my blog is the 5th choice on the page. See, not hiding, very easy to find, and sometimes I wonder if I’m ok with that.
I’ve been pretty open about things in my “real life” on the blog. I’ve opened up about my feelings toward friends/family, etc. I know that friends and some family do know about the blog, but I have no idea if any of them really come and check it out. If they do they don’t mention it to me.
Don’t think I haven’t considered starting over, anonymously, but every time I think about it I come back to the fact that my blog is my space. If I want to bitch about friends or family or life in general I should be allowed. Right?
You should do what’s comfortable to you. I can totally see the benefit to both sides. But just know I’ll continue to come and visit your space no matter where you are. XOXO
geminigirl64 said
I was just reading your post baout how you were holding back regarding writing about your friends, and that is the reason why I hide behind my blog. I WANT to write everything in my heart.
amy d said
My friends know I have a blog and I get crucified for it. I’ve been laughed at (to my face) and called weird. These opinions have hurt me so deeply that it has given me a sick feeling towards blogging lately. I try to not let these remarks stifle what I enjoy doing, but it still does get in the way. I’ve also had family members voice their concerns over posting pics of my son and divulging too much info as I blog under my real name.
Bottom line, these things hurtful. I like that there are fellow bloggers out there such as yourself who “get” the whole blogging thing. And yes, I agree that the good people out there reading your blog far outweigh the weirdos.
Just sucks that there are some things we have to censor.
itsallgood18 said
I don’t think it you are a sham! You have opened up and let so many people see the world of infertility…I can only imagine how many people have gained so much from your honesty. And as I told you before, your postings on your family actually helped me come to the realization of my feelings on my father…something no other doctor or book could do! You are sham free.
Rachel Inbar said
I write using my real name (in fact, my entire life is right out there) but there are things that I can’t write about because of it. It’s a trade-off… but at least I never have to worry about someone finding my blog.
eden said
OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!
I’m sitting here, in my MILs RIDICULOUS dusty house, fighting with Dave, feeling like shit …. and catching up on your blog. Got such a shock when you wrote that about me. Thanks, mate!
Blogging is so not popular down here yet, when people find out I blog they’re like, what’s that?
Sometimes I wish I was just all poetic and soft and conservative in my blog, but, like Jim Carrey said in Liar Liar …. “I CAN’T … LIE!!!!”
Sometimes I post then quickly write other posts on top, because THAT way, Gemini … no-one will ever know!!
I have really enjoyed reading your blog. You used to write every single day when you were pregnant. It was awesome, checking in with you first thing in the morning. You’ve gone through changes, but you are still YOU. I motherf*cking love you like a sister. XOXOXO
heather... said
well, my first blog, everyone I wrote about had a nickname except me. But I never came up on google searches or anything like that. My current blog was just supposed to be for friends and family but obviously it became much more than that. Being “known” does take away some of the freedom. And, honestly, I don’t think you need to worry about internet weirdos. There are weirdos everywhere – the park, the grocery, the subway. You can’t be afraid everywhere, know what I mean?
You’re awesome and you’re doing it right.
xoxo
pillarr1 said
I don’t have a blog for that very reason – I am too chicken to reveal anything. I guess you just have to do what is right for you. And, about putting your children’s names on your blog – I don’t think that it is a big deal. There are weirdos at work, at the grocery store, on the train, and every where else you go IRL. The internet is no different. It is funny that some people think that weirdos magically appeared with the internet. There have always been sick, weird people out there, internet or not. I think you are brave for writing as much as you do.
cuteellaisbold said
I write under a pen name, but I’m not anonymous by any stretch of the imagination. I just don’t want a prospective employer to Google my name and come across some of my more – achem – less than professional posts/pictures/thoughts. It’s also why I have a facebook page for me and one for work under my real name. It’s not a secret, but I don’t need to be advertised.