Gemini Girl

I am on a mission people.

I want to change 2 Things in my life right now:

1) Stop spending money in a OCD way

2) Lose these last 20 lbs that my little angels put on me during my pregnancy.

Of course, I cant blame my girls for the 60 + lb weight gain, because after all, they only did weigh in at 3.4lb & 3.10 1bs respectively.  Include placenta and all that other good stuff, 40 lbs was all from eating 2 bagels on bagel Friday’s at work (don’t be jealous).

Oh, and the pizza cravings I had.

Oh and having to eat not one but TWO grilled cheese sandwiches in the AM so that I wouldn’t throw up on the subway (shut up- that makes total sense).

It’s pretty easy to put on weight when you know you are eating for 3. Of course, it doesnt help that I was eating for 5.

I have done a good job at losing most of the weight, and keeping it off. I rock with keeping weight off… it’s losing the rest of this mommy weight that is proving difficult.

Last year, I did Jenn*y Craig and lost about 12 pounds. I have kept them off.

Today, at work- our company is offering Weight Watchers weekly meetings.

Let me tell you about my foray into WW.

I had joined a few months prior to my September 2005 wedding and lost a bunch of weight. I was so inspirational and knowledgeable, that they approached me to be a WW leader.

You know, when I looked like this:

Pre Baby body

I almost became one, because it was such a great feeling to inspire others,  but I ended up getting a real job with real health insurance.

As I was TTC and went through IVF, the weight started packing on. IVF does that to you- something no one tells you. I kind of had an idea- but was all ready for it. I wanted children.

And now, two years later, 2 children later, 20 lbs heavier… I will stand on that scale and see a number that will for sure make me cringe… and I will get ready to make a change.

Join me on my journey.

What’s helped all of you lose weight?

Date: June, 4th @ 7:00pm (AKA MY BURFDAY)

Setting: NYC Bus

On my birthday two weeks ago,  I was on the bus on my way home from work and two young lovebirds board. They have a few metrocards that they are attempting to use, but none of them seem to have any cash left on them.

The young man tells his love to go have a seat and he will take care of it. As she sits down, he keeps searching for a working card to no avail.

He goes back to her to continue searching. I proceed to go up to the bus driver and pay for the young man’s ride. I mumble something about karma.

The bus driver looks at me and says “There’s still a second fare to be paid”- my mouth dropped (as in I paid for the guy, I may as well pay for his girl).

I mean, really?

Really?

I try to do a nice thing, and the bus driver wanted to be a douche?

So I paid for her as well.

I then tell him that it’s my birthday.

He’s uninterested.

I get off at my stop, and hear a honking coming from the bus as it passes me.

The young man is standing in the front, waving to me as in to say “Thank You”.

You’re welcome stranger, just pay it forward.

The bus driver though- MAJOR ASSHAT.

Bus Driver

Last night my husband told me that we have a decision to make about land that we own.

We have land abroad (in Israel) that is currently undeveloped. The city wants to  start building homes in that area, and has asked for those who own property to either:

a) give a down payment for the development in the next two months ($35,000)

 or

 b) sell.

The problem is, which I have spoken about countless times (and screamed from the rooftops) is: we are a ONE income household barely making ends meet. On top of that, we are about $30,000 in the hole. That’s right, student loans, car loan, credit card debt has brought us to that point.

1/3 of the debt is all me.

My fault.

I did it.

I wont lie.

I cant sugarcoat it.

I do have a spending issue.

The thing is, I work ALL THE TIME. I work because, I have no choice. I work because I have two children and a husband who decided late in life to get a college degree. I get home right in time to help feed dinner to my girls, change them in to PJ’s and put them to bed. They don’t see me at all.

No wonder they refuse to get off their dad’s lap to hug me. He’s with them all the time. I cry because of this.

The guilt kills me.

The pressure kills me.

So of course, the only outlet I have is shopping.

I buy everything.

Just this past week I purchased:

• Shoes for my husband and I ($150)
• A pressure cooker                    ($50)
• A bread maker                           ($70)
• A cookbook for the bread maker ($20)
• Two mini sofa chairs for the girls   ($50)
• Brazilian hair straightening ($250)

Did I need all this stuff?

No.

Did it make me feel good buying them, and receiving them in the mail?

 Yes. 

Is it temporary?

Yes.

I have all these underlying issues that are keeping me from being financially secure.

I told my husband that we should sell the land, pay off ALL OUR DEBT and have his dad keep the rest of the money for us for when we move to Israel in 3 years.

My husband refuses. He says he doesn’t trust me and that if we get our debt down to zero, I will bring it back up again.

I want to tell him he’s wrong… but I cant.

I want to tell him that this time will be different, but I don’t trust myself.

I told him that if we paid off our debt, we w0nt have to pay interest fees anymore- that’s money we are throwing away. He says that it makes total sense, but still doesn’t trust me.

My husband doesn’t trust me.

It hurts, but I cant blame him.

He heard that his best friend just bought a house. It really hit home for him. I told him that his friend graduated college a few years ago, that this friend is expecting his first child only now, and that our paths are different from his.

I want to be able to tell him that will be us in a few years, but can I really?

Can I really trust myself?

I want to make a change,  I want to have a financial future that is better than my parents. They have never owned a home and have lived from hand to mouth even when they had a lot of money.

I want better for  myself and my family.

I want to make this change.

I need to make this change.

I’m just not sure how.

You all have a special treat today- a guest post by Eden or the artist former known as “Topcat”.

If you aren’t reading her- START NOW. She is one of the strongest people I have ever known. She is no holds bar and writes about everything and anything (Drug addiction, sex, parenting, bodily functions, toe hair, crazy family, etc).

I started my blog over two years ago. I didn’t think anyone would read it. Eden was one of my first readers. She is now one of my very good friends, even though we have yet to meet “IRL”… I fear that when we do, we will take over the world… and that scares me a bit.

********************************************************************
“Irish, Italians, Jews and Hispanics
Religious nuts, political fanatics in the stew
Living happily not like – me and you
… in New York, New York.”

- U2 ‘New York’

I have been cyber-friends with Gemini Girl for TWO YEARS. She knows more about me than most people who know me IRL. We met back when we were both doing IVF ..having just got two embryos transferred, Maya was waiting to see if she was pregnant.

I was totally star struck … not only was she young, pretty, and cool ……. but she lived in New York!!! The town that tops my list of places to go before I die.

Here’s what she wrote on my blog, two years ago:

“ …. Do you know how hot it is in NY? The humidity is fro-ing up my hair and the subway lost power last night. I still think its nuts how one side of the world is freezing while another side is melting.
Yeahy- your starting bcp’s!  (birth control pills- you start them right before you start IVF treatment)

You are on your way!
Mwaa!””

I was getting to know a real, live American.

 I first visited America when I was in fifth class (grade). I counted down the days until we flew out … my green velvet knickerbockers and frilly white shirt laid out on my bed, ready for the early flight the next morning.

I got off the plane and fell in love.

I kept getting accosted by Hare Krishnas everywhere we went …. L.A., San Franciso, San Diego … I was like a magnet, stopping to talk to them in their long robes, giving me free red roses.

It would piss my mother off so badly … one time she came right up, screaming at them and me, and dragged me away. It was because her brother went to America in his twenties and became a Moonie, I’m sure.

America. Oh my God. The people, the food, THE HAMBURGERS. Best fricking
hamburgers on the planet. I’ll never forget watching T.V. in the hotel rooms,
bewildered and yet so very at home with the seven hundred million channels.

My sisters and I were in our element, having been brought up by shows like
Bewitched, Mr Ed, I Dream of Jeanie, Brady Bunch …. and our unanimous favourite of all time, M.A.S.H.

I tried to convince Dave to call Max “Hawkeye” when he was born, but he wasn’t having it. Just yesterday I was having a conversation with one sis, about whether we loved Hawkeye as a father figure or a lover, so deeply was his character ingrained on us as young girls. I smell my food before I eat it, which drives Dave CRAZAZY.

Hawkeye taught me.

I remember going to San Diego Zoo by bus, the lady next to me had the biggest fattest piece of gum in her mouth. “Wow!” I thought, “They even chew GUM better here!!”

We went back again a few years later, this time to Hawaii for a few weeks. We
sailed on the S.S. Constitution and I fell in love with a square jawed American
waiter named Steve. I joined a different, nicer family. They all spoke to each
other, and had FUN! I went in the fashion parade, choir, and talent quest. To
this day I can sing and do all the actions to “The Hooky Lau”. We stayed back in Oahu at The Royal Hawaiian .. the big pink hotel. Years later, I got a job as a receptionist for Jetset travel and could fly for free to Hawaii …. I walked
past, sadly remembering one of the very few times we all had a “proper” family holiday.

So. America. I love it.

Maya is not the only Americano I know now … I have met so many wonderful and cool women online. I love blogland, and wish so bad I could come to BlogHer this year. I’m coming next year …. Maya has to go next year, too. I need to say thank you to the girl who always makes me laugh, sometimes cry.

We have matching man hands!! She makes fun of her Jew-fro, and posts pictures of her messy BEDROOM on the internet. She reminded me last May that the birth of my baby should be a celebration. Even though I am TEN years her senior, I know we would totally hit it off in real life. She has ‘tude, and, like myself … is NOT afraid to tell people what she thinks. Heh.

The only problem is, if I do come to America, I may never leave. Because, you know ….. HAMBURGERS.

Every Friday night I light the Sabbath candles right before sundown and say a prayer. I say the prayer that my mother, grandmother, and great-grandmothers have said before me. I say it in hebrew, but the english translation is:

“Blessed are You, Lord our G-d, King of the universe, who has sanctified us with His commandments, and commanded us to kindle the light of the holy Shabbath”

When I say the prayer, my hands cup my face. They say that this time is considered especially propitious for praying to G-d for health and happiness. The prayer is readily acceptable because it is offered during the performance of this great task.

My eyes usually tear up when I am in this safe place. It is other worldly and I cry from its power.

Near the candle light I pray. I speak to G-D and ask him to remember those who passed in loving memory so that they will be rewarded in the next world for the things that they did while their soul was on this earth.

I pray for my grandmother- who was taken from me two years ago this month. I tell her that I love her and that I miss her with an ache in my heart that will never go away. I tell her I miss how she made me laugh and her heart that never ever stopped giving.

I pray for my mother-in-law-who was taken away at the young age of 37- just one month shy of her 38th birthday. I know she is always with us. I know she is the one that protected my girls while in utero. I know she bought us 5 extra weeks in the hospital. How? I just do.I ask her to watch over her grandchildren and son. To offer my husband strength when he needs it. She does.

I pray for my paternal grandparents-All though my grandmother died a year before I was born, I have inherited some of her traits. Her eyes, her forehead, and her creativity. I pray for my grandfather’s soul. I know he wasn’t perfect in this life. He drank, he physically abused my father and verbally abused my grandmother. I know toward the end of his life he regretted it. I saw it in his eyes.I know he is still beloved by G-D.

I pray for my beloved high school Principal- who passed away while I was a Junior. My high school was very picky and didn’t want to admit me because I seemed “nonreligious” but she took a liking to me. She told me all the time how much she cared for me. I was the “teachers pet”. I adored her. She died of kidney failure after an unsuccessful transplant. One month shy of her son’s bar-mitzvah.

I pray for my husband’s  amazing cousin-who has been married for 7 years. She has been trying to get pregnant since her wedding night. Everyone knows of her infertility because she is religious (and in Judaism you are not allowed to take birth control which usually results in several children) and asks her about it. Her heart aches for a child. She has seen her younger sister marry and birth 3 children. I pray with all my might that GD blesses them with a child. I know just how lucky that child would be.

I now sadly pray for little Madeline Alice Spohr.

I tell her, with my hands cupping my tear filled eyes, that I know who she was. That I know she was an old soul who came to this earth for a reason. I pray to her to give strength to her parents who desperately need it. I pray for her to help bring joy once again to her family.

She will.

I then uncover my eyes and behold the Sabbath lights.

Saturday

Sunday