Oh J, how you open up old wounds.
I go to therapy once a week on Mondays. The Dr.’s office is located right across the street from my work office, so it’s pretty convenient.
This week I focused on my mother… like every other freaking week.
Turns out, she totally f*cked me and my brother up… like majorly.
I touched on my spending habit in this blog a few times, but I am delving deep into the reasons as to why I spend.
Turns out, when children are young, they are looking for their parents to mirror their emotions. For example, when Neve gets up and starts walking, she looks for me and my husband to cheer her on. She gets SO EXCITED and every time she or Soleil gets up and takes a step- we all cheer!
My husband asked me the other day, how much longer we’re going to cheer when they take a step (until college, no?)- and I said that every time we cheer, we are building their self confidence.
Children are pretty much always looking for approval from their parents. That is where their confidence comes from.
I didn’t get much approval from my mother.
Most of the time, it was disapproval.
I just wasn’t the daughter she wanted. She would often say to me that when she envisioned having a daughter- she imagined a sweet, gentle little girl who would twirl in dresses- a hair never out of place.
I was rough and tumble. I liked to play with the boys. My hair was ALWAYS mess, and I was opinionated.
My mother was NEVER happy with me.
So as I grew, got older… I seek approval from others. Most approval came in the form of:
“wow, what a great shirt”
”wow, what a great apartment”
… etc…..
So thanks Mom- for my spending problem!
I am definitely peeling back some layers, and I am proud to say I have not obsessively purchased anything for myself or for my apartment -that was not absolutley needed in about a month.
That’s a long time for me.
To top that off, after getting my tax refund- I paid off most of my debt. I also opened up a second checking account so that I can automatically deposit money for the girls daycare fund. They are starting school in September, and I want to be prepared with at least 3 months worth of tuition.
I am starting to feel like maybe I am freeing myself of these shackles… always constantly needing reassurance from others that I am in fact, OK.
I just know that my daughters will always have approval from their parents for who they are. I may not always approve when their behavior is out of line- but I WILL ALWAYS support who they are as people: a hair out of place, and all.
