Gemini Girl

It never ceases to amaze me how I feel as though someone punchs me in the gut every time I hear that someone that I know is pregnant. That tinge of jealousy, even though I am not prepared for another child, overtakes me to my core.  I guess this is something all of us IF’s will always feel.

I was watching Oprah this week with Nadya Sulman’s father. Dr. Oz was on, and stated that there are over 100,000 embryos in frozen banks because people do not have the heart to destroy them( because they feel as though they are their children). He spoke about this with regards to Nadya placing all 6 in because they were her “children”.

Fine, I totally get that feeling of knowing that you have  “children” or embryos (however you look at it) in frozen storage. I have six more myself. And I do think about that almost EVERY DAY.

I wish I could have them all, and give them all a chance. Maybe one day I will. Of course the difference between me and Nadya is that I am not crazy enough to place 6 in. Next time, I will only place 1 in.

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Anywho, moving on…

Here are pictures of my girls. I used to write A LOT about them until I realized that only my husband and I truly care about all the little things that go on with them- so I didn’t want to bore you. But I so will now. Let’s proceed.

Neve:

Neve is a DRAMA Queen people. I don’t know where she gets it from *ahem*.

Oh My Gawd- it's Oprah!

More drama

You so crazy

Neve hitting her head back

SHe makes this face every time she sees a camera

The face

She has 4 top teeth, 4 bottom- and the poor thing has her two top and two bottom grinders coming in (which makes for a sad baby at 3am).

Neve can pull herself up to a standing position, and she cruises. She weighs at least a pound more than Soleil, I’m thinking about 25 pounds now (this was my smaller baby 3.4 lbs). Her hair is growing super AFRO- like, but since mommy has experience in that- Neve always has her hair did (most of the time).

Even though she looks so much like her father, I totally see myself too.

She cries more, laughs more- very dramatic. She is more attached to me than anyone else, and is weary of new people.  I think I have more patience for her because I see myself in her.

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Soleil:

Soleil is my sweet, tortured soul. I know it’s strange to use the words “tortured soul” for a 15 month old, but she is. It’s like she was born that way. Her eyes are sad.My husband sees himself in her, because he too has felt that way since he was a child.

Get that camera outta my face

Wonder how this tastes..

Soleil with Neve making the face.

I'm on the phone.. ghost of christmas future

Soleil keeps to herself and likes to suck her thumb. She is super attached to my mom and husband, which means she pretty much is not a fan of mine. After a long day at work, I come home and ask her to come to me, and she shakes her head no and looks away.. I know it’s because she is currently more attached to her full time care takers, and that it will pass… but I will remind her of this when she is 16 and wants a new pair of jeans.

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Both girls understand Hebrew. English, eh- not so much.

My mother and husband speak to them in Hebrew all day- and since I’m not home enough, they understand Hebrew alone. They aren’t speaking yet, but if you ask them “where’s Elmo, or a picture or a hat” they will point to it. This totally freaks me out because I am not used to my children communicating!

They don’t really play together yet, it’s more parallel play (which my physiologist friend says is very normal), but when I put them in their cribs together in the morning, it is the sweetest thing…

They also love to watch Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers, and Barney.

This whole motherhood thing is hard people. I wish I had more time with them, but someone needs to be the bread winner. The lack of time spent with them adds to my guilt (and we Jews have a lot of it)! But alas, my husband is a college student, and  I need to deal. I just hope they wont hold it against me when they get older.

Waving Bye to me as I leave in the morning

But as of right now, I am enjoying them. I love this phase way more than the baby stage. They are a riot.

xoxox

Gemini

Neve & Daddy

Originally uploaded by gemini-girl

I awoke  on that cold winter’s morning, excited and scared about what I was about to embark on.

I ordered a cab ( my husband had to work)  and relayed the address to the driver.

Entered the building, wrote my name down by reception and waited. I was alone, but surrounded by several more women.

I seemed to be the youngest one there.

My name was called. I grabbed my coat and purse and proceeded into the hallway, where many more women were sitting and waiting.

I was lead into a large office that had a couch, two chairs,  and many books. On the walls were Ansel Adams photos.

I took a seat.

A middle-aged man, small in stature, with kind eyes ,walked in wearing a white lab coat.

He pulled out the paperwork which I had  filled out with all the answers to the questions he might have about my medical history.

“So why are you here?”

“I’ve been trying to conceive for a year to no avail”

“Well, let’s get you  into the sonogram room and see what we can find”

After having a sono and assessing my medical history, I was brought back into the office.

“Let me break it down for you. You are a young woman who has been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant for a year. You are in good health. Your husband was ruled out as the cause of the IF. You have had exploratory surgery to rule out a number of infertility barriers. I will tell you what I think. I think that because you have had three surgeries in and around your uterus, you have much scar tissue that is preventing you from becoming pregnant. It’s a mechanical issue. If you go through IVF you will be extremely successful. I don’t see a problem with it not working. Another option is to keep trying, but you have already been on three rounds of clomid, have only one fallopian tube and one ovary. The chances of you conceiving naturally are about 10%.”

I sat there, taking it all in.

I was 25.

The weight of his words hit me hard and yet brought with it relief.

“So, when can we begin”? I asked.

“Today”.

Of course, I couldn’t actually begin that day because I was set to leave the country for two weeks for my cousin’s wedding the following month. The process would have to wait for another month.

And here I am, two years later to the date (Feb 19th)… a Mother with two beautiful daughters. How did I get here?

My first blog post was on Feb 22, 2007; three days after I was in his office. I even wrote this post.

Sometimes I think of these past two years. I feel like I was a girl when I sat in that office.

Today, I feel like a woman.

Like Ive aged about 10 years.

I have been through much these past two years. My pregnancy was NOT an easy one to say the least, and neither were the first few months of my childrens lives.

Only now, after all this time, am I starting to feel like myself again. All I wanted was to be a mother, to have a child. And now, after all the drama- I need to try to live in THIS moment.

Ali from Cheaper Than Therapy sent me some interview questions…

1. What is your favorite movie?? Now tell us the one we REALLY want to know…the movie that you are embarrassed to admit that you love and can watch over and over and over?

A: This is a bit difficult, because the movie that I have seen AT LEAST 50 times is Dirty Dancing- and I am not ashamed of it.

But a movie that I have watched a few times, and actually enjoy is -

“The Son-In-Law” with Pauly Shore. You cant get worse than a Pauly Shore movie.

"Dont harsh on my mellow"

2. If you could have any superpower, what would you choose? And what would your superhero name be? any ideas what your costume might look like?

A: I would totally choose teleporting abilities, totally cuts down commute time. Not sure what my name would be, but my costume would definitely be black as- black has the super powers of making you appear slimmer than you are!

Or I could look like this...

3. What is your biggest pet peeve? What is one thing that you do that might drive other people crazy?

A: I am a HUGE complainer. I cant stand my complaining sometimes. Seriously.

4. Choose one moment in your life you could go back and do over…what would you do differently?

A: I would go back to my wedding day… enjoy it more, and not take my cousin having sex on my veil or trying to punch me out- so personally. Totally ruined my wedding.

 5. Create the play list you would choose if you could hijack a radio station and be a dj for an hour

A: I am such a nerd. I totally enjoy me some Bryan Adams

but I am also obsessed with Gary Barlow and Take That.  It would be one boring radio station, that’s for damn sure.

Me:  Where did the computer mouse go?

Husband: It fell behind the keyboard

Me: Well- why didn’t you pick it up when it fell?

Husband: The same reason you don’t shave your legs- laziness.

Me: Tou-ch’e

I’m not going to lie to you people, I’ve been sick- really sick on and off for two weeks and I am tired of being sick. First it was the stomach bug from hell that went around my family last week. Then after finally starting to feel better- bam!

Monday night as I was about to leave work I felt as though I was going to pass out…my throat was closing up, I couldn’t stand straight. I cabbed it back home because I was not going to make the subway ride without being a mess.

I got home and didn’t leave my bed for days. I had a fever of 103. I could hardly keep my eyes open. Went to a doctor (since I don’t actually have a family practitioner) and he suspected I may have had pneumonia. Went for a chest xray, where the xray tech was being nasty since he couldn’t get a good picture of my chest because I couldn’t stand upright for longer than a few seconds (jerk). Was finally told it was just bronchitis and strep, and was told to stay in bed the week. I’m sure my boss was OVER THE MOON that I have missed 6 days of work in the last two weeks, but I fell like a deck of cards people.

I couldn’t be near my kids for days in fears that they might get whatever it is I had, so my mom would bring them by my bed for a moment to say hello. I’m sure they didn’t get why I wasn’t playing with them.

You have always got to look at the plus side though- lost seven pounds ( whoo-hoo!).

I still feel like a rag doll and definitely NOT like myself.

Is it just me, or have you ladies noticed that after giving birth you get sick way more than you ever had before? My body is just different. I never had allergies prior to giving birth, now I have to take allergy medication every morning. I also get sick very easily. Every sniffle that someone has I manage to catch it. I was an OX before.

I’ve had many thought laying in bed fore these past two weeks… I am going to make a change in my life although I am not quite sure what it will be. First I wanted to chop my hair off (into a bob) but my facebook friends all warned me not to.

I feel like I am getting sick because I have way too much responsibility on my shoulders. I am the one keeping my family afloat financially. My husband is still a student and is in school almost all week. I haven’t payed my rent this month because if I do- I wont have money for anything else (including food)- and I cant use my credit cards anymore.

I have never been in this situation before and it is making me sick- physically.

I’m not trying to cry and be all “wah wah” in my post, I know everyone these days is feeling the pinch.

Once this semester is over (in May) the man will be looking for a job, because I just cant do it anymore. I just cant.