Archive for October, 2008
Why so scared Soleil?
So how should I feel?
Last night, I came home a bit early from work. My husband was in school, and my mother was in my house watching my girls. Her cousin came by to visit, as she hadn’t seen the girls since they were this small:
Once Soleil saw me, she started crying and clinging to my mother! She refused to come to me! She would sit in my mother’s arms and stare deeply at me, but when I would go to hold her, she would turn away and truly cling for dear life to my mom!
I am sure my mother was LOVING IT.
Why did she fear me?
I am her mother! She is my clone (she really does look so much like me). Why is she not bonding with me the way I want her to?
*Sigh*
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Dont forget there’s a conest going on!!! Be sure to leave a comment here and one lucky winner will recieve a beautiful gift!
No Noah Wyle in sight (now with extra giveaways!)
People, I am in party planning mode.
The girls First birthday party is quickly approaching (Nov 9th) and I am stressing over the details. Of course, there are worse things to be stressed out about.. like Soleil falling off the bed on Thursday. She was with her Dad, so at least I cant blame myself for that!
We have a queen sized bed in the nursery. We put our laundry on it, fold the laundry on it, and we play with the girls on that bed. I like to keep the bed in there if we have sleep over guest. When the girls were small, we could put them on the bed and go into the other room for a moment, bec they werent going anywhere.
I dont leave them on the bed alone anymore. I have been on the receiving end of a semi- heart attack once or twice- catching them one moment before a fall.
My husband put soleil on the bed, ran to grab wipes from the other side of the room- and down she went.
She didnt cry, and she hit herself on the forhead. She also has a red mark on the right side of her face. Them falling off that bed was my greatest fear.
I told him to keep an eye on her for the rest of the day to make sure she wasnt disoriented, which she wasnt.
Then on Friday afternoon, we put the girls by my parents house so that we could get some birthday party shopping done. My mom called, and said Soleil was acting strange, and unlike herself. I noticed it that morning as well- but shook off the feeling. Now that she was saying it, maybe there was something wrong!
We had a pediatrican appointment for the following day (Saturday), but decided to take her to the ER anyway- just in case there was a problem.
Two hours later we were seen ( “emergency room” my ass), only to be told that she was fine.
We decided that since we were in the hospital where I was on hospital bedrest, and where the girls were in the NICU, that I should go say hello. We first went to the NICU to find it EMPTY.
Turns out they built a whole new, state of the art- NICU down the hall. It was beautiful!!! Much different than the old NICU the girls were in.
I saw two NICU nurses and inrtroudced them to Soleil. I’m not exactly sure they remembered her, since they have many babies come and go from there… but I’m sure it made them feel good to see the product of their labor: A healthy baby.
Then we went upstairs to the Maternity ward where I lay for 6 weeks.
I didnt know if I would see anyone, but the first face I saw was of Grace, one of my FAVORITE nurses! This woman was beyond sweet. She took a liking to me, and we would always gab. She was there the morning when I went into labor. She also went to the gift shop after I had given birth and purchased two identical pink bear rattles for the girls. Her face lit up, and she was so excited to see us. She even held Soleil.
It was really nice to see her.
The following day, we had the girls 11 month check up (or is it the 1 yr check up?).
Stats:
NEVE
Height: 31 inches
Weight: 24 lbs
According to the growth calculator- that puts Neve in the 95th % for Height and weight!
The doctor said that she is fine, that she is on track and that she is a naturally big baby. Said not to worry, that they should thin out when they start walking. Of course, when your baby is in the 90th % for weight, you start to worry. I mean- I dont think we overfeed them!
Soleil:
Height: 29 inches
Weight: 23 lbs
The doctor checked her out and said that she is fine, that babies fall. The things to look for right after a fall are: Sleepiness, disoriented-ness, and vomiting.
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Anyway, this brings us back to this weekend: I am in party planning mode. My co-worker who was suposed to make an awesome fondut cake for the girls bday backed out (something about her just having twins and not being able to do it).. so I have decided to take on the cake myself. It wont be the same cake, but it will be made from love. I know I can do it.
Now all I need to do is get this:
To look like this…
Cake I will *attempt* to make
And if it crashes and burns, my husband can always run out and buy an ice cream cake!
The guest list has now reached 26 people. Where on earth am I going to fit all those pple in my two bedroom apt? AGH…
I definetly do NOT want this party to get out of hand, but considering the year we have all been through- I want to celebrate it for the girls- even if they only remember it through videos and pictures.
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The lovely people at Blankyclip have decided to let me give away one of their adorable blanket clips to one lucky reader! Their product is SUPER useful, as all of us know the annoyance we feel when our babies hurl the blankets out of their strollers only to land on the dirty floor!!
Contest Rules:
You must leave a comment!!
Contest Ends on Friday, October 31st at 11PM.
Random. Org will choose a lovely winner!
Toys, Toys, Toys
See Elmo…
Watch Elmo….
Fall….
We went to Toys R Us this weekend. Let me tell you, just being in there made me feel like a kid again. I wanted to buy stuff! How ironic is it, that when you’re a kid you want to buy everything in the store, but when you’re an adult and finally have money- you don’t buy toys anymore? Sad.
They had some really fun stuff:
Soleil on a rocking horse
MClaren doll stroller- pretty funky
A double doll stroller!
Twin dolls
Skanky bratz doll that you can make up
We actually went there to purchase a small 4 wheeled car that the girls could ride. They dont quite get it, but had a lot of fun being pushed around:
Step away Neve, it's my turn
A few random thoughts
1) Charlie Sheen is having twins. Whoo-hoo. join the club. Apparently it’s the hip thing to do these days. We all know that all these celebs that are having twins are using fertility treatments. Come on now, who do you guys think you’re fooling? I’m talking ot you J-LO!
What bothers me, is that I was reading an article that stated that he has three daughters. Umm, I know he only has two from Denise Richards. I did a little digging (OK googling) and found out that he does indeed have another daughter. She is 23, and was born when Charlie was 19 and a fledgling actor.
So wait, just because she doesn’t fit with Hollywood’s ideal, does that mean that she should never be spoken of? I mean, come on!
After writing that, I actually came across a pretty sweet picture of Charlie and Cassandra:
Seems a bit forced?
2) Apparently, Cosby sweaters are making a “come-back”
So my question is: Where did they go and why are they coming back;? I too had a collection of horrifyingly ugly sweaters in the 80′s. My excuse- I was 8.
People are actually having Cosby Sweater parties these days!
Jello pudding shots are provided.
That is all.. as you were.
A look back
Today I look back a year …..
This was posted October 22nd, 2007 while I was on hospital bedrest:
Another day in the hospital (day 15).
The funniest/ scariest thing happened this morning.
Around 6am a nurse came into my room with a baby in it’s little rolling cart. Since she didn’t turn on the light, my room was completely dark. I was sleeping but I arose when she came in. I looked at the nurse and said that although the child was cute- it wasn’t my baby. She said “Well how do you know- it’s dark in here?” I answered that since I haven’t given birth yet she couldn’t possibly be mine. She said “Oh” and walked out with the baby cart.
OK now let me ask you this- if I had given birth to one baby and they would have brought that child into my room in the dark, how could I have known it was mine? Imagine I would have started breastfeeding?
So that was the scary part of it all.
Seeing that cute little baby made me sentimental but also jealous. I’m jealous of the women in the rooms by me that have their beautiful babies in their arms. I’m jealous that everything is now behind them and they have those crying little angels. Everything feels so up in the air with me. I don’t know when my babies will come into this world, I don’t know if they are healthy or not. So many questions. So many worries.
On a brighter note, I had my growth sonogram today.
Baby A (lazy baby like her daddy) weighs 2.3 pounds.
Baby B (mover and shaker like mommy) weighs in at 2.7 pounds.
Baby A seems more passive than her sister already- she’s even getting less food apparently. Of course I know that being passive doesn’t have anything to do with weight, but I’m not surprised.
The fluid in both are good and nothing has changed in my cervix. Again, no news is good news.
I’m now 27weeks and 3 days. I am blessed that I got here.
Never talk about Religion or Politics
With the presidential debate soon approaching, I am finding my lack of enthusiasm alarming. I am not happy with either candidate
Sorry hardcore Obama fans.
My gut tells me that Obama is all talk. I think Barack’s speeches are mesmerising- they give us all hope. But I also think that he is a wonderful speaker, and hope is what we all need right about now. Our economy is in the garbage, our international relationships are in the toilet, and I think just about anyone who says the right things right now can reel us in. But does he have the experience to back up the dreams he’s selling? The media is putty in his hands, and that can sway the undecided voters.
I find it difficult to vote for a man who was associated with people who are anti-America. And maybe it’s just the Israeli in me- but it truly scares me. What if there is something going on behind the scenes that we DON’T know about.
Barack looks like a family man (and since my husband shares his name I am biased). He has two beautiful daughters and a powerful wife. I love Michele Obama- and you know what they say- behind every great man, there is a great woman. He is a man of color and I think the world needs that. I also admire the fact that he did not come from a well-to-do household- which means he got to where he is on his own merit.
It’s just that his lack of experience, his past associations, and his candy coated words scare me.
John McCain is getting on in his years. I am not age- prejudice, it’s just that IF something were to happen to him- SARAH PALIN WOULD BE PRESIDENT!?!
wtf?
The woman is NOT PRO WOMEN. Period.
I dont like the fact that he has voted with Dubbya 90% of the time, that he left his first wife once he was freed from captivity (she was a former beauty queen, had a terrible car accident that left her less than beauty queen like while he was a POW) and actually dated Cindy while he was still married! What does that say about his character? He comes from a well-to-do household and is married to a very rich woman. I feel like he truly wouldnt be able to relate to problems like ours.
I do like that Mcain served our country- and that he knows what it’s like to be on the front lines defending us.
I am sad to say that I am not voting. I know it is my right as an American to vote. Many countries don’t have a voting system. But if I did, my heart wouldn’t be into it… and I would ultimately be voting for the lesser of two evils in my eyes.
Oh, Hillary- Where art thou?
The Teen in Me…
Is it a crime for a grown woman to still swoon over her beloved boy band? If so, I should be arrested.
When I was 13 years old, I was with my cousin and she put on the CD. Their CD. My future infatuation: Take That.
Circa 1992
TT today
Just the name would make anyone in the US laugh- I mean, what kind of name is that? No one here knows who they are. It’s the Europeans who know TT’s worth. They started as a boy band, and evolved into so much more.
When I was 15, two years after becoming a huge fan of their music, I came across a teen magazine article that said they were going to be in New York participating in a “New Star Showcase” for new talent. Of course, they weren’t “new talent” as they were HUGE in Europe for 5 years. I KNEW I had to be there. I ordered tickets and anxiously awaited the day. I purchased a flirty, plaid, mini skirt, had my afro blown out, and poured on the make up. I convinced a friend of mine to come with me. We took a cab to the city- since my mother refused to allow us to take the subway at night. I brought along two HUGE posters with me and pushed my way to the front stage. I remember them singing and I even got a smile from Mark Owen (my favorite at the time) because I was holding up a poster of him (they seemed to be surprised that they had US fans).
At the end of the show, the talent was signing autographs downstairs. This was my chance to proclaim my love for them, I thought to myself. Unfortunately, the entrance to the lower level (where they were signing ) was in the back- and I had pushed my way to the front of the stage- so it was a long trek. The line took about an hour, but I could finally see them and hear them! I was shaking. I was 5 people away from meeting them when security announced they were leaving.
WHAT- WAIT!!! No, they couldn’t leave- I was 2 minutes away form them!! But alas, they got up and were gone. I was hysterical. How could my luck have been so bad? There were others on the line who had met them that had pretty much NO IDEA who they were- and me a HUGE fan, not meeting them!? How unfair.
I refused to listen to their music for two years. It hurt too much.
They broke up shortly after the concert.
Help lines were set up all over Europe for teen girls who were devastated.
Then, two years ago- they got back together and are making amazing music- and winning many awards. Their concerts sell out in a matter of hours- much like the New Kids on the Block- of course, I am not comparing, as the New Kids SUCK.
All the teen girls who were in love with TT or KNOTB are now women in their late 20′s and 30′s who have money to now go to concerts and buy more CD’s.
I always tell my husband that if TT’s lead singer ever wanted me (Gary)- I would have no choice.
Swoon
My dream in life is to meet them… how sad is that? How wrong is that!? I am a mother of two!
What or who still makes you feel like a teenage girl/ or boy? Come on people- fess up! I’m not alone!
** I am now a contributor Blogger to the NYC Silicone Valley Mom’s Group! Come check us out!***
Therapy Time Again
Therapy has brought me a lot of self-revelation.
I don’t know what compelled me to go back to therapy. I had felt a bit rejected by my first therapist last year. I missed an appointment (pregnancy brain) and she called me and sounded upset (because I was the last appointment of the day and she could have went home). I never called her back.
Then I went through the hardest year of my life, and was sad. I don’t know if I would call it Post Pardum Depression. I mean, if my pregnancy was normal (IE not premature, one baby with no complications), and I would have felt the way that I did, I would automatically label it PPD. But considering the infertility, the hospitalization for 6 weeks, and the premature birth of my girls- along with caring for two crying infants for 4 months… could I truly call it PPD?
My new therapist says that I had a traumitizing year. I didnt allow myself to think about it all, to sink in. I felt guilty about saying it out loud. I mean, I’m lucky- my girls are fine! Who am I to complain? But I needed to in order to heal. And I am healing.
The funny thing is, with the emotional healing- comes some physical healing too. I am finally starting to lose much of the weight I gained during my pregnancy, and that is what is helping me feel like myself again. It feels so nice for people to notice ( since it is a gradual process) and to be able to pull clothes out of the back of my closet again! I have put away all my maternity clothes.
Finally.
Putting the clothes away, almost one year after their births…. is like coming full circle. I am healing, but the scars will always be there.. (much like my many stretch marks). I believe I will always fear becoming pregnant again. I will always fear a premature birth. I don’t think I will ever enjoy being pregnant because the fear will haunt me. I envy pregnant women- the hope, the happiness, the lack of fear.
I am about to make another payment for my egg storage. I make payment bi-yearly. My husband asks me why we should spend money on storing the embryos (I have 6 left ), when we could just go through the process again- with a fresh batch. First of all, I refuse to destroy the eggs/blastocyst- whatever you want out call it- because in a weird way, they are my children. They could have easily been Soleil & Neve. Secondly, I refuse to go through the shots, retrieval, transfer… emotional roller coaster- if I don’t have to.
The lab at the fertility center looked at my chart and said that I shouldn’t have a problem becoming pregnant with my frozen cycle when the time comes. My husband and I have discussed when we would try again… and although I had been pretty gung-ho about getting pregnant again after the girls were first born, my husband was completely against it.
He couldnt have been more right. I was dealing with emotions that were eating me up inside- and I was in no way ready to have another child. I guess I just wanted to know that I could get pregnant again, and that I could be able to carry a child to term. I thought getting pregnant again was what was going to heal me.
I was wrong.
We’ve agreed to start trying again when the girls turn 4 (3 years from now). A part of me truly wants to know what it’s like to parent ONE baby. That is why I will only have one embryo inserted. Although the percentage of success will be lower (by only inserting 1), I am willing to take that chance. My body cannot carry twins to term. And frankly, I don’t think we could handle it again emotionally .
And the girls will be old enough to be “Mommy’s little helpers”- getting me diapers, a bottle… whatever it is I need. I love that I have twins- they will have one another, even if mommy can never have another baby.
It saddens me that I have not truly enjoyed their first year. I was vacant for most of it. I am only now just starting to unpack my old clothing… and my old self.
