Gemini Girl

As I sat in my therapist’s office yesterday, the words come out of me.

I become jealous when I see women with their infants, smiling, as they walk down the street.

What do I have to be jealous about? I not only have ONE, but TWO infants. They should be jealous of me, not the other way around, right?

This jealousy started when I was so desperately trying to conceive, and I would walk by a woman with a  belly that was full of life. I wondered to myself if I would ever to be lucky enough to know what it would be like to grow a child inside of me. I mean, surely- once I would become a mother this feeling would no longer reside in my heart.

As I explored my feelings with my new therapist, I started crying. 

I felt guilty saying the words, I feel guilty just writing them now.

Having twins is not what I expected.

There, I said it.

I was reading “Emotionally Healthy Twins” by Joan Friedman (which by the way is a MUST READ for twin parents) and read that Women who have had fertility treatments in order to become pregnant with twins (and then have trouble raising them) feel so guilty about their feelings that they dare not speak about them. I mean, THEY wanted the children. They went through 7 levels of hades just to become pregnant and to carry their babies to a point where they would survive.

Do you know how many children are not born OK? How amazing it is, and un-ordinary to have a healthy child? And to have two of them? It’s like you hit the lotto.

But my feelings still fester.

I don’t feel as though I have truly bonded with my girls. I don’t feel like a mother, and often I don’t feel maternal.

I leave my home at 7:30AM for work and return at 6:45PM. Almost 12 hours out of the home. When I get home, my girls are  tired and ready to go to bed. They don’t want to play, they don’t want to interact. They want to eat, and sleep. So that precious mommy and me time- I don’t have it.

I couldn’t breastfeed.

I couldn’t even hold them for longer than 5 minutes at a time for their first few weeks of life (because they were in the NICU).

I didn’t have that rich, beautiful experience of having everyone come visit me in the hospital with a beautiful, healthy baby/ies in my arm. It was all clouded in fear. The weeks leading up were all full of fear and helplessness.

When I do have some time with them, I feel as though I have to split myself up into two. I cant hold both of them, and they cannot have my undivided attention.

Sometimes I envy women with a singleton. The bond that they have time to form…. something I have missed out on.

I was watching an episode of Oprah when she had on The Goslings aka John & Kate Plus Eight.

John recalled the story that Kate had begged him for one more child after she had the twins. She said she wanted to know what it was like “just to have one”… of course, she then said “I guess I’ll never know”.

I am so beyond thankful that I had two children. I just didn’t know how hard it would really be. Externally, I can manage. I mean- I can feed two, change two, bathe two etc… But the internal conflicts I feel about raising two is something that I did not expect.

What people don’t tell you, is that sometimes you favor one twin more. Apparently, this is very natural and the twin you favor often changes. Of course knowing that this is normal, still does not make you feel any less horrified with yourself.

I grew up in a home where I was NOT the favored child. That title landed on my brother’s shoulders. I VOWED to myself that I would Never Ever favor one child over the other.

Of course, feeling favor for one child, and acting on it are two different things.

People don’t tell you how when you pick one child up, the other looks at you and cries because they want to be picked up too. They don’t tell you your heart breaks when this happens and how you hate yourself for not being able to fulfill their needs simultaneously. And although there is no way you possibly can tear yourself in two to do everything, you wish you secretly could.

I feel as though I have failed.

I cant do it all.

I cant work full time, keep my house clean, cook and be a perfect mother and wife.

I wish I could be.

I just thought that this would be different.

I am not supermom. I’m not even superwife.

It doesn’t help when my husband tells me that he wishes I was a more enthusiastic mother. As if I don’t feel guilty enough.

A friend of mine who I saw last weekend asked me if my life is fun. She says that when she sees my pictures on Face.book she says it looks like I  have the perfect life.

I told her I don’t. Those sites make everything look beautiful and perfect. I mean, who is going to put up a picture of themselves looking horrible, pictures of their kids crying, the house being a total mess?

what a facade.

I am living a facade.

I try to get  through each day.

Day by Day.