Gemini Girl

Today, I give you 1-50. Why don’t you guys do your own as well!

1. When I was in the 5th grade, I purchased globe earrings (you know, earrings shaped like a globe?

Before my teacher walked in, she called me aside and said that they were “inappropriate” and proceeded to tell me to remove them. I never wore them again.

2. I used to have a belly button ring. I took it out when I had one of my surgeries, and it never made its way back. The hole is closed now. Of course, with my deflated balloon belly- I would not dare to put it on!

3. I don’t eat beef. Neither does my husband.

I don’t know where I can come up with any more topics to write about!

Hmm… OK.

Did you all know that I was in a sorority? I was.

Let me take you back to 1999. I had just graduated an all- girl school that had about 80 kids. When I entered college- I knew no one. My college was HUGE!

So one day, when I was using the ladies restroom, a girl looked at me and asked if I wanted to join a sorority. I figured “why not?” so I went to a Rush meeting.

I quickly realized that it was Rush Week and that there were many sororities to choose from. I didn’t quite like her sorority since the girls seemed a little weird (accept for one or two girls). So I shopped around. Another friend who I grew up with, was rushing a bigger, more well know, more popular sorority.

Naturally,that was the one I wanted!

Sorority # 1

So I attended their meetings. They would ask us questions about ourselves and I would answer truthfully. They asked if I wanted to join a sorority to meet boys. I said that was one of the reasons.

That made them unhappy (since joining was about “sisterhood”), and so they didn’t want me to pledge for them. I was just being truthful! I mean, I attended all-girl schools my entire life, so yes- I did want to hang out with guys.

Sorority #2

The loved me. I learnt from my mistakes, and didn’t say anything about boys. I hung out with them a lot. During this process (few weeks), I came across a boy that I thought was cute. He hit on me and we hung out once, although nothing happened.

As I was hanging out with said sorority sisters, they asked if I thought anyone in the fraternities was cute. I said yes and named the boy. Apparently, that did not go over well. He was the president’s ex-boyfriend. I was out of the running yet again.

I felt so rejected- as if I was back in High school!

*BTW- the cute boy that I hung out with? Turns out he came out the closet. Not the first time gay boys wanted to make out with me, but alas, a story for another day.*

Sorority #3

The original girl who cornered me in the bathroom still wanted me to pledge. Their pledge night was that night and she called to see if I still wanted to join. I felt defeated. I didn’t want to join their sorority! They seemed off. There were some “freaks” and “nerds” – don’t you love the terminology?

But she convinced me to come that night.

It was at a sister’s house and all the girls that wanted to join, had to enter a room (one by one) with all the sisters of the sorority in a dark, candle-lit room. You would stand in the dim room, not allowed to make eye contact, while everyone took their turn interrogating you. It was scary.

All the other girls that were there that night that wanted to join were awesome though. A lot of “cool” girls. So when they asked me to pledge- as if I passed their test- I was excited!

We had to wear our pledge outfits for many weeks- consisting of :

White t-shirt

Red zip up sweater

light blue jeans

white tennis shoes

(Red and white were our colors)

We weren’t allowed to wear make up, and had to wear a big huge pom-pom on our ring fingers (made of red and white yarn naturally).

We had to walk around with pledge cans (since we were “pledges”), had to carry around an “Essentials Bag” which consisted of :

gum, tampons, sanitary napkins – just in case one of the sisters needed it.

We had to study and memorize a huge pledge book with info such as:

• Our sorority’s history
• All the sisters names that have been in the sorority and their lineage (the sorority had only been around since 1992, so it wasn’t so bad)
• Our songs (which were all in the tune of little mermaid songs since she was our mascot)
• We had to call all the sisters weekly, so that we could bond with them- and get to know them. We had scavenger hunts, mixers, and hell week.

My pledge name was “Tai“- as in Tai from “clueless”, since they said I reminded them of her:

The funny thing is, a few friends in high school called me tai because they said I reminded them of her as well!

Anywho, after 6 weeks- I joined/ became a sister.

Of course, don’t forget, I was in the “uncoolest, most unpopular” sorority on campus.

But don’t you worry- my pledge class turned it around- since we were all such awesome girls, we eventually became the most sought after club to be in. While the “popular” sorority’s lost out on competitions (to us) and lost their title as the most awesome- we took their place.

Ahh.. the underdog. Gotta love it.

I should totally post some pictures of those glory days if I find any!

Our beautiful uniforms

At our sorority formal. My date was off getting drunk somewhere Me trying to scrape off plastic from my friend’s grandmother’s toaster that I had burnt accidentaly. Fun times.

So tell me- did any of you join a sorority? if so why or why not?

BTW- The girls have been waking up every 3 hours to eat lately. I want to shoot myself in the foot! Maybe they are going through a growth spurt?

On another note, I cannot wait until my “vacation” at the end of may. I don’t know if it’s really a vacation when you take kids, but I am super excited to introduce the girls to their family.

I leave you with this:

I am so bad, I didn’t blog yesterday! I guess the april 30 days of blogging is out the window for me then?

I had a long weekend.

The girls did get their ears pierced on Saturday.

You know, I want to write about it- but I am so pissed off right now that I cant focus on that. I need to vent a bit, so bare with me ladies. I hate venting on here, because it is supposed to be a place of happiness and milestones. But sometimes, i just need to get it off my chest and maybe get a little advice on the side from all you amazing people who read my blog (so many women who I wish I knew in real life).

Warning: Long post

My mother.

I have written about her before. Is it sad to say that I don’t love her? Today, that reality has officially sunk in.

I don’t love my mother. It’s not like I have never loved her, it’s that she has done so many things and said so many things that have lead to this realization.

I know that I need to be thankful that I wasn’t physically or sexually abused as a child.. I know that others have had it so much worse than I. But just because I wasn’t abused, does that make her mothering enough?

I came from a very dysfunctional household.

Although there were no drugs or alcohol involved, there was a lot of anger and resentment that manifested itself on the children.

My parents never loved one another. My dad was 34 years old, and twice divorced when he married my 22 year old mother.

They married after knowing one another for 3 months (and not because they were crazy in love). Although my father was born in Israel, he moved to New York in 1970. One day while vacationing in Israel in 1977, he was at his brother’s wedding. There he and my mother met (she was the brides cousin). From the information that I have pieced together, she wanted adventure- she was from a small town and wanted to get away, and knew that the only way she could was to marry someone who lived far away (because if she did leave by herself, her parents would be shamed and then of course- what would the neighbors think?!)

Quickly though, my mother realized that she had made a mistake… but alas, she was pregnant with my brother (he was a honeymoon baby- apparently those actually happen!). They moved to New York and my mother knew hardly any English. She was alone and away from her family. She didn’t have a job, and she put her entire self into raising my brother and I. She never thought of leaving my father because again, What would her family say, or the neighbors (constant theme in my life)!?!

My parents constantly fought and never did anything together. They never vacationed together- only a part, and never just went out to dinner and a movie. That was quite strange for me to see as a child, when all of my friend’s parents went out and seemed to care for one another.

This marriage in turn, made my mother bitter and her bitterness eventually turned to us. I wasn’t the daughter my mother dreamed of having. She wanted a girl- girl, and I wasa tomboy. On many a occasion she would say “You should have been born a boy”. Imagine what those words does to the self esteem on a 6 year old trying to figure out her place in the world? When I was a little girls, I couldn’t pronounce “th” as in the, mother, father. I would say “f” instead of “th” as in mofer, fafer,brofer. My mother would often say, “Why cant you speak normally like your brother? Even my friend’s child who wasn’t born in the US, speaks better than you”.

Now, if I ever retell these stories to my mother today, she calls me a liar. Today for example, when I retold the story about the doll that never came in the mail, she called me a liar- then went on to say what difference did it make since she bought me many toys.

My brother is 30, lives at home and has never had a serious girlfriend. He also has OCD. Something is just “off” about him. He is very intelligent, but lacks basic people skills. For many years I just could not have a conversation with him since he would always solely talk about himself. When I would try to bring up something about myself, he disconnected. He is very selfish. When I was on hospital bed rest for 5 weeks- he only came to vist me once- two weeks after the fact- and left early because he had a date.

Then once the girls were born, and in the NICU, he wanted to come see them. He apologized for the way he had acted and really just wanted to see his nieces. So we took him one day with us. Right before Neve came home, my friend threw me a baby shower. He was supposed to come with a girl he was dating at the time. As the hours passed, he never showed. I called him and he didn’t answer. Suddenly I got a text message that said “Please note, we will not be attending because we are both under the weather”.

Yes- he wrote that. NO gifts for his nieces, no participating in a party for them or for me after all that I had went through.

And after all of this- he is still my mothers favorite. He sits there and shares his life with her. Tells her about his dating, about work etc. I don’t. She loves that he shares things with her. She hates that I dont.

I don’t because my experience has taught me otherwise. Once you tell her something and open up, she knows your weakness and uses it against you in a time of anger. She did this constantly when I was a child. Imagine your mother throwing your insecurity’s in your face when you are young? What does that do to you? She even did that to me today.

When I was leaving for work, she said “You think you are so important (because I am the only one in my family with a degree) ,that your job is so important? You are one step up from serving tea to people (implying that my job as the executive assistant to the EVP of the company is degrading)”. She knows that I have said that this job was only a stepping stone in my career, since this is the company that I have dreamt of working for since I was a child, and that working for the EVP for a while pretty much guarantees that I will get a great position in the future within the company. But alas, she had to berate me and my accomplishments.

But again, if I bring this up she calls me a liar.

Everyone said that once I would become a mother, I would feel differently about her.

I don’t. I cant stand her even more so. To think that I would put down these two precious little girls who I brought into this world and hurt them to the point where they couldn’t trust me, or hug me? I cant imagine it.

I don’t care what kind of marriage she had with my father- that is no excuse for behaving the way she does.

Today we fought. Words were said.

It started when I had said to her not to talk so loud to Neve when she wakes up (since Neve is very sensitive to noise, especially when she wakes up). My mother told me to “Shut up”. She doesn’t respect me as a mother. She says that I am not her boss. I’m not a boss- I’m their mom and entitled to tell her how I feel. She proceeded to tell me that she raised me and I’m fine. I proceeded to tell her that I am only fine because I went to many years of therapy (she thinks only crazy people go to therapy).

After this, words escalated. She even proceeded to talk badly about my husband (because I was talking badly about my brother)- as if that is equal in some way? My husband has been nothing but nice to her and to my dad. When my father redid his kitchen floor last month, he called my husband for help. He never asked his own son. As my husband, and 65 year old father were on the floor, my brother- walked past the mess making sure not to step on anything! What kind of man is this?

I need to find another child care option. This just will not work. And its not as if I’m not paying her anyway. Yes, it would cost so much more than I pay now, but she has way too much power over us because she knows we don’t have too many options.

I know she loves those girls with all her being, and that she treats them well. But when we fought today- the girls were just sitting there with puzzled looks on their faces. Why do they have to witness that? Why?

I am just up in arms right now. I am so hurt today.

I am hurt because it’s official- I don’t love her. I don’t love my mother.

I worry that my girls will one day feel the same way about me. But I know that I will NEVER be the same way or treat my daughters the same way my mother has treated me.

I will talk about happier things necxt post. I just cant bring myself to do it now.

The girls got their ears pierced today- pics to come.

Please go over to Petal and congratulate her on the birth of her beautiful daughter Maya (beautiful name, eh? *wink wink*)

What to write about?

My obsession as a teen with a one Mr. Joey “Whoa” Lawrence ?

And when I say obsession, I mean CRAZY.

I was a 300 Poster hanging, every episode of Blossom taping, every magazine article cut out and placed into a scrapbook nut. I had his doll (yes, there was a joey doll), the blossom phone (which essentially was a aqua phone with a sticker that you place on it that says “Blossom”- I had to send in 3 proofs of purchase off of Kellogg’s cereal boxes and 12 bucks).

Which reminds me of a sad story in my childhood.

1989: I was 8.

I was looking at the back of the toilet paper rolls. The mascot was a pretty little girl. They were selling her doll: in blond or brunette.

I wanted that doll with all my being. It was a proof of purchase and $8.00. I saved my allowance, asked for advances, did chores until I finally had the money. I was so excited!

I gave my mother the envelope and the cash.

Weeks later, every time the UP*S truck would come by, I jumped- “Maybe it was my doll?” But no, it was always something my brother had ordered.

“Special Delivery: Not for you”

After waiting many months, I was disappointed but always held out hope that one day, it would come. my mother said it would.

Fast forward 6 months later: I was looking for something in my mother’s closet (probably candy) and what did I come across?

The open envelope, with the proof of purchase: sans the money!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My eyes, filled with tears, ran over to my mother. She didn’t send it, plus she actually “stole” my money. She said that she forgot to send it.

And she wonders why I cant hug her!

*Sniff Sniff*

Let me ask you ladies that are married or taken.

Was your significant other your “type”?

Everyone has a type. Either in looks or in personality.

For example:

I was always attracted to men who were really tall (6″4) and were fair skinned. My first boyfriend, the one who was my “first love”, was 6″4, blue eyes, light skin, blond hair. It seems you are always attracted to what you are not. He was also not a skinny guy, he had a nice built, I liked that he wasn’t scrawny- it made me feel small and dainty. I was also interested in men who were well read, all American- pretty boy. If he was artsy, it totally added points.

Totally my type:

I ended up marrying my husband- who was none of those things.

He is 6″0, weighed about 150 pounds (totally skinny), is much darker skinned than I am, and is a foreigner. He didn’t graduate high school since he was a rebel. I actually believed he dropped out because his mom died when he was 10, and he didn’t have any parental control after her death. He did what he wanted, when he wanted.

So on paper, he was absolutely NOT what I wanted.

I mean, I had a crush on him when I was a young girl. He was dark and brooding. I thought that if I could only have his heart, his walls would come down, and he could share his inner world with me. Isn’t that what all pre-teens want in their secret crush?

My first love, was a dic*k. I had a pregnancy scare and he bounced. Ha- little did I know that to get pg I would have to endure ivf. Anywho… he left me in shambles. He “broke” me. He was quite selfish. After that relationship ended I promised myself to never put up with jerks again.

Along came my husband.

I was on a mini spring break in Israel in April 2002. I ran into him, we hung out.. and it was great. I knew that there was something special there so I returned that summer.

The thing that made me fall for him? We were thirsty, and he took the bottle of water, and poured my glass first. That was it. I was hooked. He thought of me, before himself. This was the kind of guy I wanted- against type and all.

Do I regret this: hell no.

He is amazing (when he wants to be). He is thoughtful, a hard worker and loves to learn. He got his as*s to school at the age of 27 where he is taking classes with 18 yr olds. He works full time, and goes to school full time. He is a great father to our daughters and takes care of them with patience and love. He has gotten me through tough times… ivf, pregnancy, hospital bed rest, prematurity, and new parenthood. He has calmed my fears.

When we were TTC, and I would get my monthly flow, he would calm me and say that it would happen when it is supposed to.

When we were going through IVF, he injected me with the medications daily.

While on Hospital bed rest, he would come visit me every single day. He would call me and ask what I needed and would run to my bedside. He would bring me milkshakes every day when I was too nauseous to eat, but knew that I needed the extra calories just in case the girls were preemies and the bigger they were, the better they would do.

He has held my hand when I could not stop crying at the sight of my two 3 lb daughters with their breathing devices and tubes. He held me as I watched my daughter turn blue and stop breathing in the NICU, while all the nurses ran to her side to revive her.

He has been my rock, my best friend and my soul mate. He is definitely my type.

What made you choose your partners, if they weren’t exactly what you had originally wanted?

Dear Soleil & Neve,

Your 4th month is coming to a close. You will be 5 months in a few days. Where has the time gone? I cannot imagine what my life was like before your arrival. Sometimes when I’m at work, deep in calls and paperwork (forgetting that I have a life outside of the office), I remember that I have the two of you at home- waiting for me. Then I am reminded of just how lucky I am to have had you, and just how far you have come in your few short months.

You two would not take no for an answer. When the fertility clinic had told me they were transferring two embryos the day of the transfer, I was excited and nervous. Would any implant? What if they both did? You two, the Dynamic Duo, fought hard, and both wanted to be here. So you both implanted. You grew in my belly, causing me much heartburn and discomfort. Then, my body almost gave out at 25 weeks- but you both kept of fighting, you kept on trucking.. holding out for over 5 more weeks (even despite my water breaking 9 days before you were born).

Then you kept fighting in the NICU.

Neve,

you are my sunshine. You brighten my day. I was originally worried about you since you didn’t make any eye contact with us for many months when you came home, worried that it may have been a permanent situation. But your gaze today amaze me. Your smiles light up my day. You smile ALL the time and laugh. When you smile- it’s this big smile, coming from the soul. Your smile leads me to smile. My face hurts from smiling. You have now started babbling even more so. You love your play mat. Whenever I put you under it, you get so excited and start to talk to the dangling objects above you. You still like to talk to us at 3am.

-You weigh 15 pounds

-Wear a size 2 diaper (but once this package is done we are moving you on to size 3)

-You started eating solids!!!!! You love peas and eat up the jar.

-You lost all your hair in March but have since started growing more.

-You love to watch TV

-You are very laid back. When I put you in the bathtub, you don’t cry. It shocks you, you give it a second to sink in to see if you like it, then you relax and pee into the tub.

Soleil,

My mini-me. Sometimes I wonder if you’re happy. You don’t smile so much, and you cry a lot. You have an old soul. I sense it. I feel it. Your eyes have so much knowledge behind them. You look at things as if you know what they are, like you’ve been here before. You are very mobile already. You have good motor control and hold your head up well.

-You weigh 15.4 pounds

- Size 2 diapers

-You are not into solids yet, but I wont give up!

-You cry quite often and easily- with tears!

- When I put you in the tub, you cry instantly, then you enjoy it.

-You love to put your fist in your mouth- and try to get it all in.

- You would rather sit up than lay down. When we lay you down, you try to move your top half up (like doing sit ups) .

My girls, you have started sleeping more at night- which in turn is awesome since me and Daddy get more sleep now and are not walking zombies. When I am on the subway on my way back home from work, I anticipate seeing your little faces upon my arrival- like a girl in love about to see her beau. I adore you, and because having you in my life has made me feel euphoric-I am dreaming of having more children, and adding to our family.

I love you both very much.

Your Mommy-In-Progress

Ok, let’s discuss shape wear. Yes, you know those wonderful sucker-inners.

During my pregnancy, and after one of the main pieces of advice I received was “Wear a girdle”! I didn’t originally, because I was still healing form the C-section (which was brutal), but I did eventually. I settled on this one:
Not me – meanwhile does this model look like she even needs one?

I hate shape wear, I do. I cant really get comfortable at all, and although my tummy isn’t dangling everywhere, I don’t know if it being sucked in is truly making my tummy smaller. I know that obviously, with time- your stomach does become smaller after a baby (or two) but does it have to do with wearing one of these contraptions? I feel naked without one when I get dressed, so I am usually always wearing one.

When I get home, the first thing I do is run to my bedroom to strip it off. GD the love/hate relationship I have with that thing.

Does anyone else wear one? If so, which one did you like? Do you feel like it has helped reduce your stomach?

This weekend was pretty exhausting. After the girls got their vaccines, Soleil was not herself. Neve isn’t as effected as her sister. Soleil just cries for hours, uncontrollably. I wonder how they will react next week when I get their ears pierced?Yesterday wasn’t as bad, but you know those days where you just kind of want to curl up in bed and sleep the day away? I realized quickly how impossible that is when you have twins. You just CANNOT stay in bed, no matter how tired you are. There is laundry to do (my hubby does the laundry while i fold and put away) house to clean etc. All the while, you have to entertain your kids.

I let them watch tv sometimes. They seem to love *the mickey mouse* clubhouse. But the truth be told, my husband was watching a show on how machines are made, and that mesmerized them as well… I think they like the moving pictures. But then I feel guilty after letting them watch tv. What kind of a bad mother I am for putting them in front of the tube? But sometimes, that’s the only thing I can do when they wont stop crying and I have a million things to get done. I don’t let them sit there all day, maybe 20 minutes. I like to put them on their play mat, swings etc. But they seem to be bored with them already. That is when we decided to assemble the jumper.

So after we got the green light from our pediatrician to let the girls use the jumper they received at my baby shower, we put them in. Neve was the first in. She kind of had no idea what was going on, and how exactly she was suspended in animation. I think they will start getting the hang of it pretty soon.

Neve:

(Notice the mounds of laundry on the couch in the back)

Neve watching Soleil in the jumer:

(try not to notice the tv stand by them with all the wires hanging out. I think we need to take care of that before they start crawling)