Gemini Girl

My sister-in-law, the one I haven’t spoken to in a year, gave birth last night.

TWINS!

WHAT?!!?

They didn’t tell anyone!
It was natural!
They had a boy and a girl!
She had them at 38.5 weeks!

I know I should be happy, but feel somewhat defeated. I’m a bad person, I know.

I just kind of feel like….it took me ivf to get pregnant, I had twins, who were early and had to stay in the NICU…..

And they just happened to get pregnant, had a long and healthy pregnancy and had one of each.

Sore loser I am.

I guess it just pissed me off when my brother-in-law said “She had them at 38.5 weeks, but could have went longer- but the doctors didnt think it was a good idea”- as if he was somewhat implying something about me not being able to hold my girls in (of course, I could totally be making this up in my head)
I guess I feel like they “stole my thunder” because after all I have been through, twins are a blessing (and not common, or so I thought) and when we go to Israel next month, we wont be “the life of the party” or whatever. I am horrid. I feel bad for feeling this way.

Conversation:

Woman: So, were you surprised when you found out you were having twins?

Me: Yes.

Woman: Were you scared?

Me: No.

Woman: It’s so much fun to have twins. If I had twins I wouldn’t work. I would stay home and raise them.

I considered that a jab

Me: Well personally, if I stayed home all day I would end up crazy. Plus, if I stayed home and put all my effort into raising children, and not have a past time or job of my own, I would probably feel empty and lack meaning once my kids were grown and out of the house (What happened with my mother which I promised I would never do).

Why do I feel like I have to apologize for working? This is not the first time.

I have always wanted to be a working mother. Yes, it is hard for me with all my heart and soul to leave my daughters in the mornings and go to work. But I know that:

A) Financially, I have no choice.
B) I provide our medical insurance/ 401k etc
c) I want to have a social life.

I am in no way knocking S-A-H-M, I salute you! I just know that personally, I couldn’t do it.
I would love to stay home with my children for the first 3 years of their lives, and maybe even have another child- but that is impossible for me.

anyway, on an unrelated note- we finally have the girls social security numbers!!!!!

Now, the problem:

We need to get passports ASAP as our flight is in less than 4 weeks away. I went to the post office with all the filled out paperwork- but alas, they need my daughters to be there in person with me!

I guess that makes sense, but it’s a huge pain in the ass! I work mon-fri, so my only option is to do it on the weekend. I worry about doing it so late bec of our time constraints. I will expedite them, but that means they promise that we should have it within 4 weeks or less! Sigh. This whole process will cost us about $300.

Will keep you posted.

Not too interesting today, there’s always tomorrow.

BTW- Totally added my blogroll (for all of you who have been asking). I had one, but when I edited my layout, it somehow disappeared! Anyway, it is all there.

I leave you with the cutest pics of :

Soleil rubbing her head. This soothes her, I find this funny for two reasons:
1) When she was really small, I wouls caress her head and it would calm her and make her fall asleep. It seems like she can do it on her own now.
2) My father and his brothers do the same exact thing when they are resting! They put their hands on their heads- it’s inborn I tell you!

Neve on Tummy time. She hates it. She makes the funniest sounds when she is on her tummy. Soleil giving me the finger
Neve and her favorite toy:

Can you tell that Neve has begun teething?

So, as expected it poured yesterday!

The weather has been so beautiful the past two weeks here in NY, and of course the day of the walk it’s freezing, raining and grey. Since the walk was “Rain or Shine” , we got up early, dressed the girls warmly and made our way to the event. There were a lot of people, and I am sure if it was nice out, there would have been much more. We met up with our team and stood in the rain. This was the first time we broke out our rain shield for the girls stroller. We stood in the freezing cold and rain for an hour and then the walk began. We walked a bit but didn’t think it was smart to keep the girls out too long in the rain and cold.

There were so many people there wearing shirts that said “Walking for child’s name“. Little children held up wet signs that said “I’m a survivor”. I couldn’t help but cry. I was a mess. there were many twin, and triplet strollers on the scene. I think we were the only twin infants there though- I didn’t see anyone as young as my girls there (everyone must have kept their kids in because of the rain). It didn’t feel right not to go because of the rain. I was walking for my daughters, for other preemie children and for all the wonderful people who sponsored me. BTW- I managed to raise over $1,100.00. Thank you to all those who donated. You guys are the best!

I felt a deep connection with the rest of the parents there, something I have never felt before.. a type of solidarity. Like we have all been through this war- and it is never far from our hearts and thoughts. When the NY ambassador parents were relaying their story of how they lost one of their triplet daughters after being born premature.. I broke down. I cannot imagine having to go through something like that, losing a child. I think I now officially feel like a mother. I would give my life for my daughters.

The event started outside of a mall parking lot, so after we walked a bit, we took the girls to the mall. We sat there. had some lunch, walked around and just spent time together as a family. It was awesome.

Here are some pictures from the day:

Team photo:

Neve sleeping comfortably inside the stroller:

Starting Line:

The family:

Mall pics:

Time to go home:
Sleeping on the way home:

Money Raised
There was no way I could have predicted people’s generosity. So far I have helped raise over $1,000.00 for the MOD. I have never felt better. It feels good to help a cause, it really does.

Company
A few friends are coming over tonight to see the girls. I am in no mood for company especially after working the entire day, coming home at 6:45pm and then having to entertain. The girls are usually grumpy by 7pm anyway, and wont be their usually smiley selves. Plus they will need to go to sleep, and wont truly be able to with every one’s loud talking (my friends are VERY loud).

On top of that, my husband works tomorrow and therefore I am the one that has to wake up most of the night and early tomorrow morning (can you sense how excited I am to have friends over?). I hate that I feel this way, but it is true- things change when you have kids. I like my predictable days/nights.
My friends are all single and ready to mingle, and therefore have no idea. They were like “Just keep the babies up”… umm, it doesn’t work that way. Plus I totally wanted to veg out tonight and watch Lost (GD bless you DVR).

Grandpa
My father went away to Israel for 3 weeks and just got back on Tuesday. Since he didn’t find anything to buy the girls, he said he would take us out shopping on Saturday. Oohh.. shopping. This is a major effort on his end since the man is shall we say.. frugal? OK- he’s cheap. I’m sorry to say it, but he is. He wasn’t cheap while I was growing up, but I think his advanced age has made him this way. I don’t know if I have ever mentioned that I get along really well with my father. We are a like in a lot of ways, plus I can talk to him without fighting. This is a major plus. It makes me happy to see him so happy with his granddaughters. He loves them a lot.

Carriers
So we ventured out with the girls yesterday when I came home from work. It was really nice- they seems to enjoy it.

And yes, I brought along a camera although very inconvenient!

Daddy with Neve (she really is his clone)

Me & Soleil

Neve looking with wonder at a tree

Two years ago I read a book about mother and daughters and their relationships. It really opened my eyes to why daughter/ mothers act and respond to one another the way we do. The book is called ” You’re Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation”

After reading it, I got along with my mother for maybe two weeks before our relationship turned sour again. I lent the book to my former manager, and she lost it. She finally purchased another book for me (over a year later!)and gave it to me yesterday- just in time!

I started reading it again. If not for the relationship I have with my mother, then for the relationship I will have with my daughters. It really makes you understand why mothers say certain things and why daughters react the way they do. I really encourage every woman to buy it.

Moving on.. yesterday my boss was out of the office so I left work a bit early. It was a beautiful day here in New York, so we decided to take the baby carriers out of their boxes and walk with the girls. So much easier with carriers! My husband took Soleil and I took Neve. We were going to walk one or two blocks, but ended up walking all the way to my parents house. The girls were so captivated, staring at the trees and the people in an upright position. Soleil kept sticking her tongue out- its a new thing she does.

My husband and I were discussing last night that we each seemed to be more attached to a certain twin. I hate talking about it at all, because in no way do I want anyone to think that I love one of my daughters more than the other- because I don’t. I just seem to gravitate towards Neve. I don’t know if it is because she was the smaller baby (which many books on twins say happens when one twin is smaller), or because her temperament is easier. I just feel like Soleil is very high maintenance/ drama mama and nothing that I do or say calms her. But when her daddy picks her up, she instantly quiets down. When he comes home she smiles at him and flails her arms and legs- something she doesnt do with me. Neve does though.

So we each decided that we need to spend more time with the other twin. I feel guilty just writing it.

BTW- I managed to raise $500.00 from all my wonderful co-workers, and WONDERFUL/ AMAZING blog readers! You guys are so awesome. I have never felt more passionate about a cause before in my life. I feel a sense of accomplishment knowing that because I shyly sent out an email another $500 is added to the MOD research. I know that it is just a drop in a bucket, but it’s something. I am thankful for my daughters, the loves of my lives. I am thankful for the MOD because if it weren’t for the organization- who knows what would have been with my little girls.

If you haven’t yet contributed and would like to help the March of Dimes (me trying not to solicit but failing horribly) please click on the link to the right!

Do it for them:

OK, I did it. I got off my as.s and sent out an email to all my co-workers to sponsor me for the March of Dimes walk on Sunday. I hate soliciting people for anything, but this is a cause that is near and dear to me.

Within the first 2 minutes, I received a $50.oo donation! How awesome is that? My company has big bucks so I hope to raise some more money.

I actually went back and read posts that I wrote when I was on hospital bed rest and when the girls were first born. It took me back and brought up so many memories for me. I love having this blog… since I have no time at home to actually keep a hand written diary, this does the trick! I just hope I will one day remember to print these pages out for memory.

So I have decided that I officially need to get some new bras. There is nothing worse for me than bra shopping. But my “girls” are not what they used to be and gravity is not their friend.

BTW- If you consider donating/ sponsoring me- please click on the link on the right hand side of the page.

You guys rock!

*So far I have helped raise $310.00 how amazing are people!**

51. I have a love/ hate relationship with Nicole Richie.

52. I always doodle when I’m on the phone.

53. I don’t read many books. The ones I do read usually have to do with a subject that I am into at the moment; IF, Pregnancy, Twins, Babies. There are occasional books that I have come across that totally rocked: The red tent

54. I am a huge celebrity trash junkie. I am on Perez or Dlisted daily. OK, hourly.

55. As a child, I dreamt of being an actress. I truly believed that I could become a famous actress if I chose to. I envisioned my NYC apt, and how my life would be.

56. Sometimes as I am randomly walking down the street, I imagine running into my favorite singer of all time: Gary Barlow. I picture myself telling him just how much I love his music, and him being surprised that he has American fans. We proceed to run away together.

The reality is, if I saw him I would probably hyperventilate.

57. Speaking of which, I was a huge Fred Savage fan when I was in elementary school (when the wonder years first began). I loved him. One day while I was a senior in H.S, me and a few friends decided to catch a Conan taping. While we were on line, everyone in the audience wanted to know who were going to be the guests on his show that evening. When I heard Fred Savage, I wanted to die! Everyone else was disappointed.

58. We ended up sitting in the front row. Fred Savage was looking at me the entire time! My friends agreed. When the show was over, Fred was passing by me- I screamed his name, he stopped, came over and said “Yes?”. I stood there in silence. I didn’t know what to say to this former teen crush of mine! He looked at me like I was crazy, and left.

59. Speaking of Conan O’Br*ien, one day back in 2004 while watching one of his episodes, he had mentioned that he had just had a baby girl and named her Neve. I was painting with the tv on in the background, but when I heard the name Neve I instantly lifted my head up. That was a name I gravitated towards.

60. I love cartoons. My favorites are of course: The Simpsons, and Family Guy

61. I may sound weird, but I actually truly care for my blog friends- as if I knew them in real life.

62. You know who you are.

63. I told my mother last week that my brother has AS, and she took it surprisingly well (and didn’t call me a liar)

64. My favorite number is 64 (my bday). For some reason every phone number I ever had, included the numbers 64 (consecutively of course).

65 I don’t think I have truly dealt with my grandmother’s passing.

66. I know it will hit me like a ton of bricks when I go to Israel next month, and visit my grandparents empty house.

67. Whenever we had leftovers as a child, my grandmother would take it out to the alley by her house to feed to the stray cats. When I asked her why she would do that, she said that cats have souls too.

68. I was Mary Poppins in my 1st grade class production.

69. When my solo came up (You go fly a kite…) everyone in my class sang along with me, so it drowned me out. It made me sad.

70. I am by far, the messiest eater in the world. I get food everywhere. My husband says I need to wear a bib.

71. I found out on Friday that someone in my office is pregnant with twins. I proceeded to poke my head into her office and say “Did I hear you are having twins?”.

72. She asked for advice, and I gave her some. It’s nice to be able to be the one to give the advice.

73. I am not that involved in politics. I find it interesting to see the Democratic candidates duke it out, but ultimately, I think ANYONE will do a better job at running this country than our current president.

74. I started the South Be*ach Diet today and all I’m craving is carbs!

75. I don’t think I should have “eaten for three” when I was pregnant. I am definitely paying the price today.

76. If I won the lotto tomorrow, I would probably quit my job (if I won a substantial amount that is), stay home with my girls (of course, home would be much bigger!) and get to enjoy them. I truly wish I could spend more time with them. I’m afraid that they will resent me for working during their childhood.

*If you cant tell what the onesies say :

“Bad hair day” (like I said before, straight silky hair is not something anyone has in this family. I knew this before they were born, as these were purchased prior to their birth)

This is the Afro I had as a child. It couldn’t be tamed..