Gemini Girl

So it’s like this….

When I returned to work last week, my boss had mentioned that we had a new division at work. She casually mentioned that I should maybe get involved. Now, in my mind that meant maybe segwaying into a new division where I can finally have a REAL job (as opposed to being the EVP’s assistant). When I had interviewed for the position that I am currently in, I made it clear that being an assistant was temporary, and my boss loved it since she doesn’t like the type of assistants that have no other aspirations. Perfect.

So this morning when I came into work, I came across an email from the vp of that new division. She is based in Atlanta but will be in NYC next week. She wanted to find some time with my boss, and some time with me. Great I thought, maybe this could lead to something. When I asked my boss about it, she said that I may be able to help them out or put together media packets for them, etc… I had asked her how that would effect my current position, and she said it wouldn’t (that I could maybe do it in my downtime). Ok, so what I get from that is…. MORE WORK, SAME PAY, SAME POSITION.

Hmm… I mean, maybe she is trying to see how I would do in another area… and then might be able to promote me when positions become available for that division (currently only two people are in the group). I’m not crazy about that division, not exactly what I want to do, but maybe it is a platform where I can prove myself. I just don’t know if now is the time for me to take on more work- you know? I just came back from maternity leave and I get no sleep….but of course, you cannot say that to a EVP of a very powerful media company.

On a mommy note, my sweet Soleil cried non-stop last night from about 7pm-5am (with a few breaks in between) nothing could comfort her. Turns out I may have to switch her iron based formula neo.sure to the regular kind. She is stooling in a very painful way- and her stools are extremely hard (never seen such a thing!). So the Doctor said to switch out the formula and we’ll see what happens. It’s difficult when you try everything and cannot console your child. I want to make it stop, but I also cannot stand her screaming! She just cried non stop for hours!!!!!! I truly hope this formula does the trick- if not, I am investing in ear plugs (bad mommy!)

*By the way, how do you do a blogroll? I have been asked several times why I dont have one- I just dont know how to do it!

oh- and pardon my spelling. It has never been something that I am good at. My brother says I spell like a second grader, he’s right.

Ok- we have come to some type of sleeping arrangement!

My husband comes home about 2-3pm. My mom said that she doesnt mind letting him sleep for 2 hours, before she goes home.

I get home at about 6:30pm. I will sleep from 7pm-11pm, while hubby watches them. Then I wake up from 11pm-3am while he sleeps. He then awakes at 3am, and lets me sleep until 5am right before he leaves for work. That way, we each have about 6 hours of sleep a night- although it isnt in a row. Who cares, at least we can finally function! We tried this out last night and it was fine!

I think we will be able to somewhat manage this way.

I love being back at work. I love getting dressed and interacting with people. It does hurt me to leave them for almost 12 hours a day, but what can I do?

Everyone has asked me if I was able to take off more time from work. I cant really. My maternity leave ended in January, and my boss was kind enough to let me have another 4 weeks. I cant push my luck. I love this company, and I need to show that this job is important to me.

So all in all, I am glad that we have some sort of sanity.

Can I tell you something truly amazing?

January of last year, redbook had a series on infertility diarys. At the time, I too was struggling with if, and when I read the articles, I would cry. I decided to write a letter to them to thank them for putting those stories out. Well, they published my letter in the next issue. This past sunday while I was at my hairdresser, guess which magazine issue was out? Yup..

I opened it up, read my letter and started to cry. I have come a long way and I thank GD for my daughters every day.

BTW- No one ever told me your feet change during pregnancy. I was a 7 1/2 shoe size, now I am about an 8 or 8 1/2. Almost all of my shoes do not fit!

Oh, and another thing… did you hear jennifer lopez is pregnant with twins? It’s so funny how her dad confirmed it, and said “well, twins run in my family”… umm, anyone who has twins knows that it has nothing to do with a woman’s paternal side (wether she has fraternal twins or not). I mean, why cant they just admit that they had ivf? Why is it so taboo?

I had quite the nervous breakdown today coming home from my first day back at work. On Sunday night, me and my husband each took one girl and had her the whole night. The problem was, my daughter only slept one hour. Which meant, I went to work on one hour’s sleep. I had never been more exhausted in my life. My head was pounding and my body started to shake. On the train on my way back home I just broke down and started crying- in front of everyone… I didn’t care. The lack of sleep is simply taking its toll. There’s no way around that. None.

I called my husband from the subway and he came to pick me up from the station. My mom was still at my house watching my girls. She had let my husband sleep in a bit when he got home from work. When I stepped foot into my house, I just lost it. I started bawling uncontrollably. My head was killing, I felt sick to my stomach… My mom said that she would sleep over and help us out tonight. I slept for 4 hours, and then got up at 11pm. My husband was supposed to be on duty until 12 and then wake my mom up (she had only slept for 2 hours). I told him to head to bed, while I took care of the girls until 3 am- that is when I am going to wake my mom up. She really has been great with this entire thing.

But the thing is, we cannot both work full time, and have no sleep. It just does not work. We will try to get my husband’s 20 yr old sister to come from Israel for 2 months to help us out at night- and pay her. Not sure if she will come, since she just recently got her first boyfriend- and no one wants to leave their first loves. If she doesn’t, we are pretty screwed bec we can’t actually afford an agency night nurse and pay my mom…. I am at a loss for words. I do not want to quit my job- its at my dream company. Granted, I am only the assistant to the VP, but she is super cool and always looks to promote her assistants. So even if I go to work and use my entire paycheck to pay for nannies.. I refuse to quit my job. I loved being among adults today. To have conversations, to get dressed up…. to leave the vomit stained shirts behind. I love my girls, but I also need to get out of the house…

My girls also seem to have their days and nights mixed up. They sleep wonderfully during the day and are daemons at night. We tried to get them on the same schedule, waking one up when her sister wants to feed- but the sleepy one refuses to eat or open her eyes when we try…. I am not sure what we are doing or what we will do. Today at work, I ran into a co-worker who had her son in October. We were both the office pregnant ladies. She gave me a big hug when she saw me…. and her son is now 4 months old. She said he has been sleeping through the night for 2 months now… Will my girls ever sleep through the night? it feels like its so far away. It feels long overdue since they are technically just about 3 months old… although because they were born at 10 week are pretty much like 2 weekers.

I am rambling, I know. I am just so tired.