Gemini Girl

So the NICU had made several appointments for us once the girls were discharged. Today, I took them to the pediatric cardiologist at the hospital. Most preemies have tiny holes in the ventricles (between their lungs and hearts) -from what I understand (which is not much). Neve’s hole was pretty tiny today (Thank GD). The doctor said that she is almost certain that Neve’s hole will close by itself over the nextcouple of years, and if not- it’s so small that there is no need to worry. I guess that was the “good” news. Soleil’s hole is larger and needs to be monitored. The specialist said that if it doesn’t clear up by itself over the years, then we will have to take care of it. She said that surgery isn’t necessary- that there are other less invasive ways to deal with it. She wants to see them in a year from now. Great- how can I not worry?

I mean, on top of that when I took them for their eye appointments last week, the doctor said that Soleil has something on her right eye that he wants to monitor as well- so she has to go back at the end of feb for another appointment. I mean, I know I should be grateful that my daughters are fine otherwise (that we know of at this point anyway)- but I still worry.

I go back to work on Monday. I cant wait- but I fear the nights. What the heck are we going to go? How will we work their feedings? Soleil has been sleeping for a good 4-5 hours at night (at times), but Neve wakes up every 3. My husband and I have not come up with a solid plan as of yet, and time is running out. I received so many suggestions (thank you!) about what to do. It’s either breaking the night down in middle and each person has their shift, both of us waking up to feed them together (and if one wakes to feed, than to wake the other)… no idea what to do. Most women go back to work when their babies are 3 months old and pretty much sleeping well at night. I am not so lucky, considering my children were preemies and although they are about 2.5 months old, they are developmentally like newborns- thus the feedings every 3 hours.

On another note- I need advice. Soleil cries- a lot. I guess to us its a lot since Neve rarley cries. Now, if she is dry, fed and has no fever- what do we do? Can we let her cry it out? Is she still too small to let her self soothe? I have been reading a lot that says that they are still too small to cry it out, but I cannot run to comfort her at every moment. She loves to be held, and of course, I can understand that. But I dont want her to get used to being held on demand. What are some of your experiences?

Here are new pics of Neve & Soleil:

So my mom took Soleil for the night since my husband is working tomorrow morning and she knew that I would not get a wink of sleep with the two. Although I dont really get along too well with my mother, she has been really great helping out with the girls- I must admit. Sometimes I will call her at 7am after not having slept a wink all night and she will be in my apartment by 8am, sending me off to bed. She loves them so much and it is so good to know that she will be taking care of them when I go back to work on Feb 4th. I just cannot wiat until they sleep through the night.

So I went clothes shopping on friday. Let me tell you- not fun. I am large. Apparently I am larger than I thought. That makes me sad. I only found about 4 blouses for work. Not sure what to do. I cant wait to get into some sort of routine when I go back to work so that I can go back to my healthy habits and start dropping some weight. Ugh I hate the way I look now. Thank GD that I have time to worry about that- I mean as long as my girls are healthy- I am happy.

Bad night

My husband had the night shift from 2-7am and almost had a nervous breakdown- they both would not stop crying no matter what he did! He fed them and changed them. Took their temps…. Their nursery is right next to our bedroom and as I tried to sleep their screams just penetrated through the walls. I tried not to get up, since it was his turn- I had done my turn earlier- but they were both screaming bloody murder. I got up to see what was wrong and they were both lying next to him ( on the bed we have in the nursery) crying. I asked him if he had fed them and he went crazy! He shouted that of course he did but didnt know why they were crying. He also said he didnt want to wake me since it was his turn. I seriously doubt that he didnt want to wake me since he could have taken them to the living room so that I would not hear their screams (like I do when he sleeps so as to not wake him). Of course that meant that I got up before I was supposed to take care of them. My husband got mad at me and said he no longer wants to take care of them at night. Ha! Meanwhile it was his day off today so that is why we took turns at night. When he has to work I let him sleep at night. Some type of resolution needs to be made very soon since I am starting work in a week and a half. I think the lack of sleep is getting to us- we fight all the time over the girls.

Anyway, I fed them and changed them and put them in their beds now. They are still crying so really there is nothing more that I can do for them- sometimes babies need to cry. I mean- what else can I do? Maybe I need to up their formula? I dont know. When do you know its time to up the formula? All I do know is that I am dying to take a shower, I have two screaming babies and a husband who is on the verge of a breakdown. I am tired.

I need a shower and a nap. Today I was supposed to go buy new clothes for work since nothing fits my post pregnancy body. I need transitional clothes. It was supposed to be a me day- buying clothes, getting my hair done after forever…. we’ll see what happens. I keep going onto other twin mom’s blogs and go backwards to see if they went through what I did- and of course they did. i mean, when will they sleep for more than 3 hours? They are technically like newborns, but are over 2 months now. Do we go by gestational age or corrected? I dont know.

This has got to be the rudest most disgusting thing that I have seen. I want to knock out Will Ferrel’s teeth (it’s his production company)

The Perez Hilton Foundation on FunnyOrDie.com

I decided to change my layout- the pink one wasnt doing it for me anymore.

I have been in hiding the past few days. My girls have been keeping me up at night. There are good days and bad days. Tuesday night was a bad one. My husband had to wake up for work the following morning, so I took care of them by myself. It seems that the nights that I have to take care of them alone- one of them, or both- are very fussy. That particular night, Neve vomited twice, Soleil once.. they were fussy, crying…. I did not get one moments rest. I could not stop crying. I called my mother at 7am and begged her to come over so that I could sleep. She did. I just needed to sleep. The multiples part isnt what’s hard for me- its the lack of sleep. A person cannot function without it. I have NO IDEA what we’re going to do when I go back to work in two weeks. How will we manage when we both have to work?

I need some suggestion pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee!

Here are our schedules:
My husband wakes up for work at 4:45am and is usually home by 3:30pm.
I wake up at 6am am out of the house by 7am, and return home by 6:30pm-7:00pm. Any ideas how we could work their feedings? What are your suggestions ladies… I dont want us to be frazzled.

My husband is taking this upcoming school semester off. We figure that he will not be able to study with the lack of sleep and his grades will suffer. When the fall semester rolls around the girls will be a lot older, and HOPEFULLY sleeping better.

I cant wait to return to work. I know it wont be easy, but I want to getup in the mornings and have some sort of routine. I want to get dressed and interact with others. I also want to start dieting. Well, it’s not really dieting as a lifestyle. I was heavy for most of my life and lost a lot of weight 6 years ago. I had been maninting my weight beautifully until this pregnancy- now I am back to my previous weight and of course, the weight is dispersed in many places that were not previously heavy (like my stomach and behind). Its been hard for me to get into a good and healthy food routine since my days and nights all mesh into one another and I hardl have time to go grocery shopping. I know myself, I need structure in my day in order to stick to a healthy lifestyle. My mom has been kind enough to offer to cook for me when she is watching the girls. That will be a lot easier for me. I hate the body shape that is staring me in the mirror as of late. I dont know who she is and I dont like her. Dont get me wrong- I love the fact that this body produced my two beautiful girls. I just dont like looking like a mack truck.

I am just physically and mentally exhausted. Everyone says the first 3 months are the hardest. In my case it will be longer than that seeing as though the girls were in the NICU for so long and should have been born two days ago.

Right now it’s about 1am and my husband has been asleep since 6pm. I want him to sleep well so that I can sleep for a good 6 or 7 hours when I wake him up for his shift. My girls received their first immunization shots today and they have been very sleep and lathargic ever since. My house is quiet and still for once which is why I have had the time to write a post. I hope everyone is doing well- and please keep your advice coming!

Soleil is hysterical- she hates having a blanket on her so she does everything in her power to throw it off of her- and she wins!

So it’s national de-lurking week! I would love to know who reads my blog- so come out of hiding and say hi!

I haven’t had a chance to post in a while. My daughters both have a cold (which they got from me) and I am on no sleep. When I was pregnant and people told me that when the girls would be home I would have no time to shower- I didn’t believe them. They were all right.

My shirt has formula and vomit all over and I am so yucky all over.

I had a chance to entertain twice last week which was nice. On Friday we took Neve for a sweat test to rule out cystic fibrosis. She’s good. Then we took them to my job because I had to have my boss sign my leave paperwork so that I wont be fired for going back to work in February (instead of Jan). My boss said that if I needed more time off she would be cool about it- but I am dying to get back to work so I told her that I was good.

That night I had friends over for dinner at my house. The house was spotless and I made a wonderful meal. They did not stop raving about how put together and what a wonderful hostess I was for someone who just had twins. Meanwhile what they don’t know is that I sit at home with puke stained t-shirts. Of course this had to be followed by me rushing Neve to the ER at 3:30am because she had an insane amount of mucus coming out of her mouth and nose that my poor baby couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know what to do since this was our first cold with them.
They suctioned her and she did better. They also taught us how to suction her. Then Soleil got the cold as well. Not a wonderful week- thus the lack of posts.

I leave you with pictures of my girls.

The first is of Soleil sucking on Neve’s fingers because she’s hungry. The second is Neve sleeping peacefully. The third is Soleil eating her bottle. My friend let me borrow her bott*le bundle. It holds the bottle up for the baby so that you don’t have to- it’s amazing! The last if of the two at the doctors office.

If I were still pregnant, my due date would be a week and a half away. Is it sad to mourn my early delivery? It all happened so quickly. In May I had the transfer and in November they were born. I can just imagine how huge I would be if they were still inside of me. They would probably be the size and weight that they are now. Of course, sans all the hardship.

I miss being pregnant. I miss the feeling of a life growing inside of me. In my case, two lives. I didn’t get to have my moment in the sun for long. I loved being the “pregnant woman with twins”. The awe or surprise on people’s faces when they heard I was having two. But once I stepped foot into that hospital at 25 weeks, I became just another pregnant woman. I sat in my hospital bed in the maternity ward while I heard babies screaming all around. I didn’t know if I would have my babies or if they would be healthy. It killed me hearing those cries. I missed my baby shower- I missed the last few uncomfortable weeks.

Then they were born and the uncertainty killed me. Would they be all right? What are the long term effects? Who knows.

I do know that I was robbed of breastfeeding. Since they were too weak, they could not suck. I tried to breastfeed at home but to no avail. I am pretty much dried up. I did pump as much as I could when they were in the NICU and ran the bottles over to them so that thy would ave the necessary nutrients.

So I have made a sad decision I will stop pumping. My girls are taking about 4 ounces now, and I can hardly produce 1 ounce in a session. I wish I could give them that, but I must admit defeat. My husband thinks I’m not trying hard enough, but who has the time to sit and pump for 30 minutes every 3 hours and only produce 1 ounce?
I will talk to the doctor about medication to dry it up.

Yesterday we took the girls to the doctor. Neve weighs 6.8 pounds, while Soleil weighs 7.4. It’s great to know that they are growing- I guess were doing something right.

Ive become quite the domestic- cooking and cleaning. As we speak there are chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven. I cant wait to return to work. I mean, I will miss them dearly- but I like waking up and getting dolled up and interacting with others. My boss gave me the thumbs up to return to work the first week of feb and said that if I needed more time that would be ok. But I want to return the first week of feb!

My husband and I are also on not much sleep and we are together 24-7 (since he took off two weeks from work). We are so snippy with one another its scary. We have never been this way with one another before- but I hear that this is normal esp in the first year of parenthood. We need to get back into our old routines as well.

And you know what- I don’t feel like a mother yet. I thought I would once they returned home, but I don’t. I feel like a machine. We are just going through the motions- feeding, changing, bathing them. When will the true bonding kick in- when they look at you and you can tell they know that you are mommy?

All in all I am glad that my little girls are home. I just wish I had some more sleep!

Here are my little ladies as they are right now:

The past few days have been quite a daze. The days mesh together to create one long day- esp when you sleep when you can. Not quite sure what day of the week it is or date. I need to look at the calendar for that!

Its been great having my husband home the past week and a half. We tried waking up every time the girls did- each taking duty over one- but that did not work. We were zombies. So we now do 4 hour shifts each and let the other sleep in our bedroom in our king sized bed, uninterrupted unless we really need the other’s help.

Having twins is very very hard and there is no manual. When we had Neve it seemed like a piece of cake- 2 adults, one child. Now we each have one and their needs need to be met asap. Everyone says the first 3 months are the hardest, so we are keeping hope alive knowing that this is the hardest part of the process. Wednesday night at 2:30am, I had my first crying fit. My husband was sleeping and I tired to manage both girls, but they wanted to eat at the same time. Ok, I somehow managed. They pooped at the same time, so I changed them and managed. But Neve did not want to stop eating. I fed her, and 30 minutes later she wanted more. this continued for 2.5 hours until Soleil woke up and cried to be fed as well. I walked into my sleeping husband and handed him our daughters- I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was on no sleep and not being able to fulfill their needs killed me. I cried on the bed while my husband started feeding them. He was completely supportive. I proceeded to go to bed for a few hours and slept it off.

I have noticed how many people have been commenting about how great it is that my husband helps with the girls. They compliment him all the time. This bothers me. I mean, why is it a surprise or a plus when a husband “helps” with the kids. I feel that a marriage is 50-50 and I expect my man to help.

The other day I was at my best friend’s parents house. We took the girls, since her family is like my own. So when it was time to leave, my husband got up and loaded the girls into their car seats. My friend’s husband and her brother sat there and said “Wow, he helps a lot”. This made me so mad! So of course, I had to answer “I wouldn’t have married him otherwise”. These men hardly ever help their wives with the kids. Maybe they think that they don’t have to since they work and their wives are stay at home moms- but that is still no excuse! These men must think that I am lazy and not a “good wife”. Its not as though we are living in the 50′s- its a new age. Men should help and share responsibilities. I mean, women now work out of the home as well. We cant do it all alone- just like our mothers did. Every time I was at my grandparent’s house (in ISRAEL) growing up and until today, we would have huge family dinners. The women would slave all day in the kitchen, while the men sat around. Then after dinner we women would be expected to clean up while the men wouldn’t lift a finger. They would go sit outside on the lawn with their after dinner coffee- which we made of course. I hated it! As a teen I always spoke up about this inequality, but no one cared to listen. You cant change the system. My grandmother (may GD rest her soul) lived to serve her husband and family. She never ever complained and loved doing things for others. I don’t know how she did it. I don’t.

This past Saturday- Sabbath, my husband and father went to temple and named our daughters. This is a religious ceremony. They pretty much go and announce their names- and it is officially their names in GD’s eyes. It was nice that they went and did this. I wish I could have been there as well, but women don’t usually join in (another sexist part of religion).

Today we are taking Soleil for a pre scheduled head ultrasound that the NICU had scheduled prior to being released. You know I worry so much about Neve. She is so quiet and in her thoughts. She only cried when she’s hungry- unlike Soleil. She doesn’t make too much eye contact and I know that it’s because she’s a preemie and it takes time. But I still worry to no end. I pray that everything is ok with her developmentally- but of course, you never know until the day comes.

I saw a wonderful movie last night that I highly recommend- The Namesake. It’s out on DVD now and its a wonderful story about the Indian/American culture and it can pretty much relate to anyone who has roots in other parts of the world.
So that’s pretty much it- but I do want to congratulate K at roleplayingwithkids. She is now pregnant with her second set of twins! We all admire you K!