Gemini Girl

My girls turned 2 weeks old yesterday. I don’t know whether to say they are 32 weeks or 2 weeks old.

Neve was moved upstairs to the annex. That means she’s doing better than Soleil. Neve has also started feeding from a bottle, much to her chagrin. She hates it, but she’s doing it. The next steps for her are regulating her body temp outside the isolette and exclusive bottle feeding.

Soleil is still on and off the c-pap, her breathing isnt always wonderful. She is now off the phototherapy because her numbers went down… but the girl hates the cpap tubes in her nose. I don’t blame her. Her feedings are much better than Neve’s though

You know what I realized? I never believed that parent could love their children equally. I always thought you might favor one a bit more than the other. But I realized that I love them equally but differently. They both have their own magic to them, something so special.

My friend’s are throwing me a baby shower either next week or the week after. It will be nice to see some people that I have not seen in a while. Since I couldn’t have the shower during my pregnancy, we’ll have one now.

Oh, and I am now up 35 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. I hope the weight starts coming off……but all that matters is that my girls were a good weight at birth, my weight will come off eventually.

A step forward, a step back.

Soleil is back on phototherapy. I hate it. She is the one that is on and off c-pap, and now they are putting her back under the lights. I hate it. I hate that she has to suffer. Yesterday when they re-inserted the cpap into her nose, she was crying. She hates it. I was there and I calmed her down. Of course, I cried because she cried. It hurts to see your child uncomfortable or in pain. I’m crying now.

I know that all this is normal for preemies, it’s just hard to watch her take a step backwards. I am thankful that it is only this and not something worse, but its still hard to take. These are my baby girls. Their pain is my pain. I’m a mom, that’s it. I’m home now and the thought of her back under the lights with her eyes covered bothers me. She got to see the world for a bit, now that was taken away from her.

I am sorry- its just one of those days. I know I have to stay positive and look at the bright side of things.

so guess what we did today? we bought the girls cribs and dressers! it was black Friday, and my husband was off from school and work so we went to babiesru.s.

we didn’t think we were going to go all out, but we did. do you know how i felt walking into the clothing section, and actually being able to buy clothing for my little girls? it was an indescribable feeling.

we just took a cart and started dropping things in:

clothes
blankets
pacifiers
sheet sets
bottles

and then we went to the furniture section and purchased their things. i love that they have their own things.

yesterday soleil ate from a bottle for the first time! she was making a sucking noise with her mouth as if she was ready to be bottle fed and she did well! the nurses will only bottle feed her once a day so as to not wear her out (they don’t want her burning calories).

Neve was bottle fed today but only took in 1cc. At least she’s in the game as well.

I spoke to the nurse practitioner and she said that although soleil is a bit behind (with regards to breathing- she’s on and off the c-pap), neve is smaller and therefore they each have their own hurdles to overcome. she said that at 34 weeks they will try to put them in an open crib and see how they do. I cant wait to bring my girls home- you have no idea. Until then, I will organize my house and my thoughts and wait.

I seriously never knew how much love i had in my heart. Being away from them kills me. i know they need to be there so that they can get strong, but tell my heart that. I saw the nurse draw blood from soleil today and she let out a tiny, tired shriek and it hurt my heart so much.

we are fixing up our apt so that we will be ready for them to come home. the house feels empty- even though they have never been here (is that strange?).

i dont know when they will come home, but until then my heart will yearn for my girls.

here are some pictures from this morning- my parents are coming with us to see them tonight.

neve:

soleil:

I never knew how much love I had in my heart.

I love those little girls.

I held them for 30 minutes each today two different times for a total of an hour each. Neve opened only one eye when I spoke and held her. She knew I was there.

Then I held Soleil and she opened both eyes quite a few times when I spoke to her. I love holding them and talking to them. I know they know that I am their mommy. I mean, they have heard my voice for 30 weeks so now when I speak to them they can put a face with the voice. Of course poor mommy looks like she has been run over by a truck, but I am still their mommy that is here to love and protect them.

I cant wait to watch them grow with each day.

They took the breathing tube out of Soleil’s mouth today. They both have oxygen through tubes in their noses, but that’s a lot better than down their throats. It’s great to hear Soleil cry. Neve has a bit of jaundice and lays with her eyes covered in a light filled incubator for most of the day. They will try and feed Soleil today- I hope she does well.

My milk does not want to come in for some reason, although the lactation consultant said not to worry. She says to keep pumping. I rented a hospital type pump for the next three months that should be arriving today.

Physically I am feeling better with each day. It’s hard- but I am getting better for my daughters.

My family is already in love with the girls. My dad calls them chicklets.

I think I am going home on Saturday- i will feel as though I am being freed from jail- I wont know what to do with myself. I know that we will finally have a chance to fix up our apt and get their room ready. I don’t want to go home without them, but would be afraid to bring them home so small. I know that the NICU is the best place for them right now. I feel helpless that I cant do anything about this situation.

more details to come……..

It has been 1 week since my water broke.

I felt such terror that night. But my girls are still inside, swimming away.

I always thought that once your water breaks- thats it. Turns out, that is the situation in most cases, so I know that someone is watching over us. I know my husband’s mother, and my grandmother are buying us time. I just know it.

My doctors keep hoping that I get to the 32 weeks mark, but who knows what might happen. I am feeling less anxious since I hit the 30 week mark- only because I am no longer in the 20′s- yet still pray to get to 32.

32 weeks is 12 days away. I wonder what will happen.

I have been thinking a lot about the c-section and am scared. I know that I would much rather go through with one than natural childbirth. I mean, I have had 3 laparoscopies so I kind of know the healing process by now. I don’t think the fright hit me until I had a conversation with the anesthesiologists the night my water broke (when they thought I might deliver).. they said to expect feeling cold and shaking, quick heart rates, etc…. I think I would have been better off not knowing. The only thing that I do know is that once I have it done, then most of my fears can be put to rest. I know that it means that I will soon be out of the hospital and that my daughters are here- but even once they are out the fear begins (not knowing is they are healthy or not) until the doctors give me a report.

One of my doctors came in today- she is in the practice but I had not seen her during my hospital stay because she was on maternity leave. I like her she is really very nice and gentle. She said that statistically speaking, most women go into labor a week after their water breaks. i told her I don’t like hearing that. She then said “Well, statistically speaking a women who goes into pre-term labor with twins at 25 weeks should have delivered by now “- so not to go by statistics. I mean, every case is different, and I know that medical science cant explain many things or the workings of GD. So I pretty much place my faith in him.

The doctor also said that everyone is glad that I have reached 30 weeks… when most believed I wouldn’t.

They bring the sono machine to me every day to check fluid in Baby A (Neve) and to see their in-utero movements. Yesterday the doctor showed me that she was hiccuping even though I didn’t feel it. He said that their movement is good and that the fluid in neve is fine for now but that its constantly changing (every time I move,or she pees etc). I only get up to the bathroom if I have to go *badly* otherwise I go in a bedpan. Every time I get up fluid seeps out- gotta love gravity, so I only get up once a day. I cant shower, so my husband brings me soap, a bucket and towels and he washes me. He even cut my toenails, filed them and lotioned my feet. he even helped me shave down there.I guess that truly is love.

did I mention that a friend from work had purchased two car seats and a bouncer that I registered for? That is a lot of money! I cant believe she did that!

My husband took pictures of me two nights ago to document this time. I took one look at myself and was in extreme shock. I am HUGEEEEEEEEEEEE. I’m not just talking baby, I am talking face as well- not to mention my whole face looks so different as well. I look swollen and unrecognizable.

As I was on my computer last night I showed my nurse (one who I love) a pre-preg picture and she didnt believe that was me. I was offended! It did kind of hurt, but I do know that this is all for my babies- I am just hoping to be able to get back to my normal self. So- I will now share my pre-preggo pics and what I look like now- don’t be frightened!

My tummy looks like a cat clawed me all over. I am glad I have them- since they have only formed since I got here- which means my girls have gotten alot larger since I first got here.