Gemini Girl

Today there will be a long post- hey, I’ve got nothing but time.

So I had two minor contractions yesterday but my Doctor said that since I didn’t feel them (they were picked up by the Doppler) they were probably Braxton Hicks. Of course every little ache and pain freaks me out and causes me to sweat and worry.

This morning, I awoke to my mother. She came to visit me and acted as if nothing happened last week. I remind you that she stormed out on Wednesday cursing me out and saying she would not return. This is after she spilled a cup of water on the table wetting my cell phone, blackberry and new laptop. Now instead of apologizing she blamed me for not having finished the water in my cup. Yes, I’m serious. That is how she has always been, since I was a child.

So anyway, she walks in and acts like nothing happened. She brought me new PJ’s, and food. She has also been knitting me baby blankets and showed me her first completed one. It was adorable. I shrugged off the last incident because what else was I to do?

When my mother was in Israel months ago- before my grandmother passed away, her and my aunt went to a medium. They had heard great things about her. They told the medium that their mother was sick but did not elaborate. The medium opened her deck of cards, asked for my grandmother’s name and immediately said that she had pancreatic cancer and would pass away soon. That was my grandmother’s ailment. She went on and said that she would pass away when there would be a pregnancy in the family and that pg would produce a girl (I’m the only pregnancy in the family).
So my mother suggested that maybe we should call the medium over the phone from the US. I’m up for anything. It doesn’t hurt. We called her and she told me to ask 3 questions, she asked for my birthday and my name and my mother’s name and said to call her back in a few minutes. I asked about my babies/current situation, my husband, and my work.

I called her back and she started listing my personality traits- which were all dead on, but of course I wasn’t convinced yet… that is until she said: “I see that this pregnancy was not natural- did you have invitro?”

Yes. She said that. My mouth dropped. I mean how would she come to that seeing as though I am only 26?

She said that a few weeks ago I was at risk of losing them but the danger is now over. She said that they will either be born either two weeks before December 19th or 2 weeks after. This means that I will at least get to 34 weeks. She also said that I will remain on hospital bed rest and that the birth would be a c-section. I asked if they would be healthy and she said yes. But then she said this:

“I know you said you are having two girls, but I see a boy”.

Whoa…. a boy?

I told her that couldn’t be right since I had a sonogram that confirmed two girls. She said that she sees a boy, but if there are two girls one will be very rowdy. She also said that motherhood would do such good for me and that I will be a great mother. It was nice to hear these things. These weeks in the hospital with a big question mark above my head have been driving me crazy.

A few nights ago I had a dream about said grandmother. I was in her house and she was cleaning (which is what she always did). Now, in my dream I asked myself why she was still in the house when her soul should have passed on. I made a mental note (in my dream) not to talk to her because I didn’t want to encourage her to stay.

When we were talking to the medium, my mother asked about my grandmother. The medium said that her soul has not yet passed on and she it still in her home- because she hasn’t fully grasped what had happened to her. The thing is, no one told her that she was dying. They felt that it was better she not know. The medium said her soul should be passing on within the next few months.
So I pretty much had chills, because she pretty much reiterated the dream that I had. Wow.

The medium said a lot of things about my husband that were dead on as well… so overall it was all great to hear. I mean I can take it with a grain of salt, but I am keeping it in my heart and hoping that it’s true. That’s all I have right now- hope.

Anyway my mother and I didn’t fight today- which is a huge step for us.

Later on after she left, my husband arrived and we had a nice 20 minutes cuddling before two of my friends showed up unexpectedly with none other than pizza. That was so nice of them! This whole day was actually really nice. I’m feeling relaxed… as if maybe after all it will be OK?

First of all: Thank You all so much for your advice and comments. Many of you help me in ways you never know.

Another day in the hospital.

The funniest/ scariest thing happened this morning.

Around 6am a nurse came into my room with a baby in it’s little rolling cart. Since she didn’t turn on the light, my room was completely dark. I was sleeping but I arose when she came in. I looked at the nurse and said that although the child was cute- it wasn’t my baby. She said “Well how do you know- it’s dark in here?” I answered that since I haven’t given birth yet she couldn’t possibly be mine. She said “Oh” and walked out with the baby cart.

OK now let me ask you this- if I had given birth to one baby and they would have brought that child into my room in the dark, how could I have known it was mine? Imagine I would have started breastfeeding?

So that was the scary part of it all.

Seeing that cute little baby made me sentimental but also jealous. I’m jealous of the women in the rooms by me that have their beautiful babies in their arms. I’m jealous that everything is now behind them and they have those crying little angels. Everything feels so up in the air with me. I don’t know when my babies will come into this world, I don’t know if they are healthy or not. So many questions. So many worries.

On a brighter note, I had my growth sonogram today.

Baby A (lazy baby like her daddy) weighs 2.3 pounds.

Baby B (mover and shaker like mommy) weighs in at 2.7 pounds.

Baby A seems more passive than her sister already- she’s even getting less food apparently. Of course I know that being passive doesn’t have anything to do with weight, but I’m not surprised.

The fluid in both are good and nothing has changed in my cervix. Again, no news is good news.

I’m now 27weeks and 3 days. I am blessed that I got here.

Its the little things that make us happy.

You know what makes me happy? These new red stretch marks on my belly. I had only a few white faint lines up until now. Last week I developed a few red stretch marks. This means that my belly is growing. This means that my tummy has grown since I got here- another two weeks in my belly. That is positive.

One of my doctors came in today and I am thankful when there really isn’t anything to say. Everything is still stable thank G-D. He said that we have mini goals:

The first: To reach 28 weeks
The second: 32 weeks
The third: 34 weeks

So I have to look at the goal ahead of me. If all goes well, I will be a mother within 7 weeks.
Being immobile makes me feel like a hen, sitting and waiting for her egg to hatch. If I was out and about not on bed rest ,the time would just pass by quickly.

I have a need to nest and cant do anything about it. My apt is still unorganized and in boxes. I was only in my new apt for 6 days before I had to be hospitalized. My husband doesn’t have time to organize as he comes directly to the hospital after school or work. But you know what- who cares? As long as my girls are in my tummy nothing else matters.

I have now been in the hospital for 10 days. Laying in bed all day really gives you time to think. Sometimes that’s good, sometimes it’s bad.

It’s strange how things can change in a drop of a hat. I mean up until oct 7th I was fine. I was even one of the lucky ones that didn’t have vomit induced morning sickness. Considering I am carrying twins – that’s rare.

I mean yeah once I hit 4 months I started feeling run down- but that’s normal. Who knew this was waiting on the horizon? I know that they stopped it in time and that things could have been so much worse- so believe me I am counting my blessings with each passing day.

The truth is, I really have nothing to complain about. My daughters are still safe and like I said, that’s all that matters. It’s strange how your priorities change once you become a mom. I don’t know if I’m considered a mom quite yet, but I already feel like one. I felt like one when the neonatal doctor walked in and had that terrifying conversation with me. I mean, I’m their mother- I have to protect them!

Every 8 hours they monitor their heartbeats and strap a contraction machine to me. Finding both their heartbeats is quite a feat. One of my daughters is vertex on the left side of my body, the other is vertex on the right side of my body. Now, every time the nurse straps on the wires, the daughter on my left (Baby A) stays still and doesn’t move. She isn’t bothered by the echos the machine makes. Her heartbeat is always stable because of this. Apparently she is the polar opposite of her sister.

My daughter to my right (Baby B) goes nuts when they put the machine on her side to track her. She moves and kicks and will not stay still- I guess the sound freaks her out. Not once has she stayed still!

Its so funny how they already have personalities. Isn’t that crazy? I mean they aren’t even out yet! Every time this happens- which is three times daily, I am in awe of this pattern. That is when I feel most like a mother. How can I not- I mean its not like they are little pods that stay still- they have personalities and they respond to outside stimuli.

I was reading O* magazine and came across an interesting article. The part that got to me was when a woman said “I don’t ask ‘why me’ when things happen. I say ‘why not me’?”

I can pity myself and ask why have things not come easily for me. Why at age 22 did I have to have a fallopian tube removed? Why at age 23 did I have to have an ovary removed? Why did I struggle with infertility at such a young age when everyone around me just sneezes and gets pregnant? Why did I have to go through IVF? Why am I at risk to lose these babies that we so longed for?

But I wont.

Everything that I have gone through in my life has only made me stronger. The struggle to get pregnant has only made me appreciate this pregnancy and these lives inside of me even more. I mean, there are newborn babies being abandoned in shoes boxes because they weren’t wanted. Those are the women I feel sorry for.

So yes, fertility is my vice, but what about all the wonderful things I do have? I have any amazing husband that I fall more in love with with each passing day. He was my childhood crush- we even have a photo of us together as children (he was 5, I was 3). I lucked out with this man and sometimes I feel as though I don’t deserve him.
I work for a company I love and I have great family and friends.

And as long as my babies are inside of me- they are safe. If laying in this hospital room for the next 6 weeks is what I need to do for my daughters, I have no problem with that. My husband is here every day, I am comfortable and hey I even have Internet access now.

I cant help of think of my grandmother who passed away in June. She spent her last month laying in the hospital. Wouldn’t it have been better for her to just go out and enjoy her garden on her final days instead of staring at the ceiling? This is the stuff I think about as I lay here. But you know what the comforting this is? When I was in labor and delivery that first day when everything was so scary and critical- I felt as though it would all be OK because my grandmother is watching over my daughters. That is what got me through and what continues to get me through these days.

Yesterday they thought that I might have been able to go home but first they needed to see a sono of the babies fluids and of my cervix.
The medical situation right now is that my cervix is very short. They say normally the cervix should be about 1.4 inches long. Mine is 1/2 an inch. They don’t want to send me home in case something does happen. So here’s to hoping they stay in. The doctor said I’m already at a better place today than I was last week. When I came in I was 25 weeks and 2 days. Now I am 26 and 5 days. But thank GD my cervix hasn’t changed since I came in that day. Anything else and it would have been a disaster.

Each day inside is a blessing especially in these critical weeks. I am blessed.

Where am I you may ask? I am in the hospital- and where I have to stay for the next 6 weeks.

You have no idea what I have been through.

Saturday 10/6 was my husband’s birthday. During the day we fixed up our apt a bit then went out with my parents for dinner at a Thai restaurant. That night I felt crampy but choked it up to the Thai food.

Sunday morning 10/7 (worst day of my life) I awoke and still had cramps. They didn’t hurt but a nagging sense told me to go get checked out. Since my doctor doesn’t work Sundays, there is always someone from his practice on call at the hospital. The doctor called me back and told me to come in as a precaution.

We drove in and waited for two hours for the doctor (all the while I was being monitored). None of the nurses let on that there was a problem so we thought that when the doctor returned from labor and delivery she would discharge me. When she finally came by she said I wasn’t going anywhere- apparently I was in pre-term labor, was contracting and had dilated 1.5 centimeters. It was as if I was in a nightmare. They rushed me to the labor and delivery emergency room and then everything became a haze. They hooked me up to a contraction machine and I did not stop contracting for several hours. I was also hooked up to an iv that was pumping magnesium at the highest level. They connected a catheter to me and would not allow me to get up. A neonatal doctor came by and spoke to us about what would happen if the babies were to be born at 25 weeks- not good. 40% viability and if they were viable, there health would be horrible. I could not stop crying. It was bad. It was horrible. At that moment I truly felt like a mother- I worried so much for my babies. They gave me a steroid shot to speed up lung development just in case they had to be born. I couldn’t sleep that night.

That morning the contractions had stopped although I was still immobile. I had stopped dilating as well- although a rescue cerclage was brought up. Thank GD I stabilized and was not in need of it. On Tuesday night they moved me to the maternity ward and showed me to my room. This is where I will be staying until I am at least 32 weeks.

I have not had any contractions since 10/7 and am on strict hospital bed rest- although they do allow me to go to the restroom and take a shower. I have a private room which is good and a private bathroom. The nurses come in a lot and put me on the contraction machine and heartbeat monitors every 8 hours for an hour at a time. They take my vitals and give me meds. I just thank GD that everything is stable.

My doctor said that he wants me here until I am 32 weeks which is about 6 weeks from now. Yeah, I am slowly going crazy here but its for a good cause. I watch television and read. My husband bought a laptop and it took a few days of troubleshooting the blue tooth software but we just got it to work so at least I have some sort of contact with the outside world.

My husband has been amazing. I have no words. He is here every day, brings me what I need and takes care of me. When I was confined to the bed he would help me use a bedpan and would then have to measure the amount of fluid that came out of me. He is amazing. I am in awe of his love every day.

So that’s it for now. Its just me and this hospital room- but I am thankful. I am thankful my daughters are still in -utero where they are safe, at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.