Alright here goes. This one goes out to my mother aka “Mother Dearest”.
My mother and I have never actually gotten along. Don’t get me wrong she is a great woman but we are so different. It’s as if we weren’t made from the same material, as if I had never come out of her.
My mother always dreamed of a “perfect daughter”. To her that consisted of a sweet, quiet delicate, frilly girl. I was none of those. I came out roaring. I was a tomboy of sorts and was overly opinionated. I needed answers to just about anything and I questioned authority constantly. I would run around all day- my hair all afrizz getting dirty and playing with the boys. I had my girly side too though. I played with barbies, always wore beautiful girl clothes…..but I was a disappointment to my mother. My older brother who is 3 1/2 years older than me was the quiet one. He would stay in his room and read , never caused any trouble, and no matter what he did- he was right. Always. My mother adored him- and does until this day (it doesn’t matter to her that he never went to college, is 30 and still living at home- oh and he’s unemployed).
She always made me feel as though I wasn’t the daughter she wanted and would say things like “You should have been born a boy”. Yes- she actually said that- often. As a child I had a speech impediment, if you can call it that. I would not be able to pronounce “th”. Instead I would pronounce it “f”. For example, I would say “Mofer” (mother), “Fafer” (father). She would ask me why I couldn’t speak normally like everyone else. That truly helps the confidence of a child.
I’m not saying she was all bad- she had her great moments as well. She always gave us love and warmth, always kissing and hugging us. She would say wonderful things about me to all her friends and encouraged me when I wanted to be an actress at the age of 10 (by taking me to acting school every Sunday morning) and art classes. She bought me whatever I wanted- and as a child that’s great…. but she was lacking in common sense when it comes to the psychology of a child.
My mother was a dainty woman and still is. All her friends and family ADORE her. That’s because the fangs don’t come out to them. So I was always viewed as a problem child because I didn’t get along with “Mother Teressa”- I mean how could anyone not get along with her? Little did they know she did nothing for my confidence and didn’t like when I pointed out how unfairly she treated me- compared to my brother.
Until this day, no matter what I do, it’s just never good enough for this woman. I graduated college, got married (this made her proud because none of her friend’s daughters who are around my age are married yet), have a good job, and am making her a grandmother. I am the one who always does things for her…. my brother never wants to and she never asks him.
She was never an independent woman: she dropped out of high school in the 11th grade, married at 22 to a man who was 12 years her senior (my father-mind you -was twice divorced), and was whisked away to a different country (USA). She has never dealt with the finances, and never knew how much money my father was making. She wasn’t in control of anything- and she loved that ignorance.
I am the complete opposite. I am independent. I received an education. I can take care of myself and my family. I always saw her as weak and said that I will NEVER be like her. And you know what, I’m not. I say that with pride. That is why I said that I never had a yearning to be a stay at home mom. I want to make the money and I want to have a career. She stayed at home for 12 years and then staretd working part- time. I know that she did this for us, but it made her miserable. Because of this, she was unhappy and lashed out at us.
I try to take away the good things from her but leave about 80% of her behind when I become a mother (GD willing). I get so scared that I will turn into her.. that I will damage my children. I think all women feel that way before they have children. I believe that I will be a good mother though- because of it. I will nurture my children’s individuality and not try to box them up and make them into what I want them to be. After all, we bring them into this world- but once they are here- they are their own person.
I’m just venting because of a fight I just had with her. I had asked her specifically to not let anyone know that I am having twins. I kind of want to keep that under my hat. She should respect that. I mean- I have a right to go around telling people what I want because it’s my pregnancy. She says OK… but then I am encountered by her friends and family that say “congrats on the twins- your mom told me”. This gets me steaming mad. When I confront her about it she plays dumb and says “Oh, did I tell them that?” and then she gets angry and says that I’m stressing her out.
My husband says that the solution is just to not share anything personal with her. She is my mother. How do I not share anything personal with her? I mean when I went through the IVF she took care of me. She has her moments. If I don’t share with her- it comes back to bite me in the ass… she says that I am a bad daughter. When I do share, it’s on world news tonight… it’s always a lose-lose situation.
So yeah, that’s my vent.
Oh plus I need to know if this is common:
I have been dizzy on and off since yesterday. It comes and goes. Has this happened to you? If so… what will help?
thanks!
