Why is it that people that you love the most can hurt you the most?
I was just thinking about my Sister- In-Law. I have been close to her since me and B started dating 5 years ago.
She is married to my hubby’s older brother. They had been going through a very rough year.
SIL found out he was cheating on her. The affair was really bad because it was not just physical. He was in love with another woman. M was going to leave him but didn’t. She moved to her parents house and BIL came and said that he wanted to work on their marriage.
My husband’s family was so angry with him since she is such a great woman. How could he just break up their family (they have a 4 year old son).
I had helped her throughout. She felt as though she couldn’t talk to her family about it. I was her friend throughout.
They began to reconcile and called in April to ask if they could come stay by us for 2.5 weeks since they found really cheap tickets to new york- mind you they live in Israel. They had never been here before- and we had even payed for them to get Travel Visa’s for the trip months before.
Me and husband discussed this. It was not a good time. I was going through IVF.
She knew.
But I said that if this was her only time to vacation and get away after the long ordeal she’s been through- how could I say no? I should have said no.
They arrived and thought that we could take vacation and be with them. Obviously we couldn’t.They gave us a weeks notice before they arrived and I was going through IVF! The retrieval and transfer etc…. I couldn’t get up from bed. She knew this b4 they arrived.
She and her husband did not get along. He didn’t want to go out much (whats the point of vacationing if you don’t go out?) all he wanted to do was go to stores and buy motorcycle parts and outfits. SIL was missing home. She started acting aloof and sad. I tried to talk to her but she seemed unsympathetic. This was unlike her. My BIL would make a mess and not clean up after himself. How could he do this? He knew what I was going through! Not only did they arrive, they brought my 4 year old nephew who made a lot of noise and ran around the house. When we asked them to try and quiet him down they said w”What can we do- children are children”.
Finally the last straw.
The day before they left I was feeling better ( a week after transfer) and we were going to treat them to dinner. SIL wanted PIZZA. That’s all she wanted. We searched restaurants in our area that were kosher (that’s all she eats) and that had food for us ( we wanted to eat!), and pizza for her. It was late and we couldn’t find anything that had both. We decided on a pasta place. We were about to walk in, when she looked over and saw a pizza joint across the street. She wanted us to all go there. We said that we would sit with her while she ate her pizza, and then go to the restaurant across the street. She said “NO- I don’t want to eat alone!” Seriously like a child.
We tried to convince her but she said that she lost her appetite.
We all sat down and she looked at the menu. She was mad- she asked why the menu was not written in Hebrew. What a stupid question! You are in AMERICA. She said that since it was a kosher restaurant they should have it written in Hebrew as well. That stupid comment- I let slide.
Then we all ordered while she sat with folded arms. She is 29.
We all ate and my 4 year old nephew looks at his mother and says “Mommy, why aren’t you eating?”
She looked at him and said that since no one cared what she wanted- she wasn’t eating. She went on to say that now she knows our true colors.
OUR TRUE COLORS!
I hate bringing up what I do for others. But here goes.
WE always buy clothes for her son. ALWAYS. Every time we visit Israel we come with bags and bags of clothes, shoes and toys- since they are not in the best place financially. Not only do we buy for him, we buy for them as well. When she had mentioned that her digital camera had broken, and she asked how much a new one would cost in the US- I went out and bought one for her as a gift. I am by no means well off. We have been living paycheck to paycheck since we got married (up until this new job) but we wanted to help out our family. We also payed for their travel visas as I had mentioned above.
But besides that- I was her shoulder to cry on when she was going through the long ordeal with my BIL.
I went against common sense and let them come to my home during one of the hardest most difficult times in my life- to make HER happy.
As we left the restaurant we said that we would all go sit with her at the pizza place- have coffee while she had pizza. She refused, said we could go and asked for the car keys. That was it.
I looked at her and said “why are you acting like a child- you will not sit in the car, come and eat”- she looked at me, said she could do what she wanted and stormed off.
This happened the night before they left.
That night as we were saying goodbye to them (we had to be at work in the morning and wouldn’t see them again)- she didn’t say goodbye to me or thank me for anything.
That was it.
The last time we spoke. She knows that I got my pregnancy result a long time ago but hasn’t called to find out. My grandmother passed away- and no call from her (she knows since my father-in-law and everyone in my husband’s family knows that she passed away).
I am so hurt by her. But of course, it’s always those that you love that hurt you the most.
Kirsten said
Oh my gosh! I can’t believe she would act that way…but most of all, I cannot believe she hasn’t even called to congratulate you on the pregnancy or anything. It’s crazy how self-centered some people can be. Sad, really. I just keep thinking that, one day, they are going to wake up and realize what they have missed out on by treating people the way they do. My SIL has built a wall between us since day 1 and I’m finally to the point of giving up. Maybe one day she’ll come around but I’m not holding my breath.
Sorry you had to put up with that, especially during such an emotional time anyway with the transfer and everything. It must have been hard to have guests during all that. I’ve found that, while family is still SO important to me, I have some friends that I consider close enough to be family and I know they genuinely care about me and I about them and that is all that matters!
K J and the kids said
Great video.
I’m sorry your sil is acting like this. I have a feeling that she is still not recovered from the incident with the bil. I think her self worth has taken a nose dive and sits about sea level. Which would explain her odd and what seems like childish behavior. You never seem to recognize WHAT you are doing, or WHO you are hurting. It all seems selfish, but I have a feeling that, because you are the bigger person, if you reach out to her….she will come back. You will find that friendship that you once had. I think she still desperately needs that shoulder to cry on.
People who are hurting seem to push EVERYONE away.
I hope you find it in your heart to forgive and forget.
Nearlydawn said
You know of course that the only reason it hurts at all is because you care. Maybe, just maybe, she thought you would reach out to her. I didn’t say you should have though – I think she should have appologized before she left even.
However, she has always had you there to lean on and I don’t know her, but I’m guessing she isn’t so good at coping with life, and probably responds like a child a lot.
So, if you still care about her you might have to be the grown-up in the group and call her. You can tell her that you are still pissed, if you want, but you most likely won’t hear from her unless you call. She’s being the “spoiled brat didn’t get the dream life” princess.
You have to decide if you want to play this game by her rules. If you don’t, you are going to have to write her off.
Sorry for the assvice, but there it is…
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